The RN: Talk Dirty to ... WTF? Seriously?

Okay, I'm not a prude, but good lord what has happened to respect lately?

I was a little under the weather last week and feeling a bit mopey. But I pulled up my big girl pants and went out with friends on Friday night. One of my friends was having Happy Hour, which of course lasted more like 8 hours.

So I was out having fun with friends after a long week of work and not feeling great. It was a nice evening out, pretty calm for our crowd and just what I needed:

Approaching "Whooooa Girl"

One text message in a relatively short conversation later this was me:

"McKayla is not impressed."

So what kind of conversation could my night turn so bad? This kind:

Yes, that's so bad I don't even want to tell you who it is.

After having a conversation at work about this today. I am changing my line. This one crosses the line from slut to whore. Don't make me feel like a whore. I am NOT at your beck and call. I am my own person and will not allow myself to be treated like this. End. Of. Story.

The RN: In the Eye of the Beholdee

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. - The Duchess (Margaret Wolfe Hungerford)

Sometimes you get compliment that's not actually a compliant at the time. At another time or in a different place it would be a compliment, but right just then it's not. For me this usually happens at work or school (back in the day). Work and school are places where I need to be taken seriously as an engineer. We've talked about this before: I'm not a total frump, like some girls who are engineers, but I'm not model either.

This is not me.	More my style.	Not me either.

I've been told I'm not good terrible at taking compliments, which is totally true. They kind of embarrass me. Usually because I sort of disagree with them; I'm not that awesome. But that is another topic. I like to look ... nice (not hot or sexy, but nice) for work. I don't mind general comments on how I look at work - those are nice. Some examples of things I like to hear:

• You look <really> nice today.
• Your outfit is great today.
• I like your outfit today.
• I don't know what you did different, but you look great.
• That skirt is really good on you.
• You look really professional today.
• I like your hair up like that.

A few comments that are borderline to get at work (these can be okay, depending on who's around and who's giving them):

• You look hot today.
• I really like what that skirt is doing for you.
• I've been trying to read your shirt all day.

Some compliments I'd rather not get at work:

• That skirt makes me crazy.
• You look ... wow!
• I like the way you move.
• You look good enough to eat.

My issue with the second (sort of) and third (totally) sets of comments is they are (can be) sexual in nature. Now if I was out for the night, or even out with friends, I would have no less of a problem with any of these compliments. But when I'm at work, these aren't compliments. These comments sexualize women at work. In a professional office the last thing I want is to be sexualized, especially because I work with engineers.

Stereotypes aside, I know a lot of engineers that have trouble talking with girls, let alone working along side girls. I literally need for these guys to not think of me as a "datable girl"; I need them to think of me as that engineer down the hall.

Oh, you're not that guy? Cool, but don't say anything in front of those guys that will change the way they look at me. That's right, I have to worry about what the other people in the room are hearing when you "compliment" me. It's not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to say, but I need to work with guys who can work with me. If they hear your compliment and start sexualizing me, they may start sexualizing me. Trust me when I say trying to work with someone who can't stop thinking about you in that way is very awkward and difficult.

I work hard to find a line between nice looking, professional, and conservative. Yes I know I dress pretty conservative at work - that's on purpose. Please don't take it away from me with your well meant compliments.

Otherwise my work environment could turn into this, or this, or worse this.

If you think harassment doesn't take place anymore, I'm telling you are wrong. I have experienced it first hand. Have you ever had a professor ask you to sit on his lap? How about having a manager kiss you? Maybe have a co-worker offer to rip your clothes off you, you know, if you're into that kind of thing? What about a security guard that won't let you through the checkpoint you have to go through daily until he's done flirting with you? I have had all of those things happen to me.

I think one of the most unintentionally offensive things I've ever had said to me was, "If I had a pussy, I'd spend all day sticking stuff in it." Wow, really?!? Actually, if you did have one you would treat it like any girl treats hers. Because only then would you truly understand what we have to go through.

My vagina is not an amusement park!

Also, you have plenty of holes in your body; do spend all day sticking things in those holes? No? You don't? Then why should one more hole be any different?

Sometimes the compliment isn't a compliment in the eye of the beholdee.

The RN: Brain Candy

I was having an argument discussion with a coworker the other week. About ... well technically porn I guess. We were discussing the reading habits of modern women. His sister-in-law had borrowed his eReader and left a bunch of "crap" on it. So, of course, my first question was, "Wait, what did she leave on there? Do you still have a list? I want to know which ones she likes." His response was, "It's all crap."

Duh. I know; that's why we like it. Then I mentioned I liked to call those books Brain Candy - and this is when the argument started. His argument was there's no thinking involved, it can't be "brain" anything. Um, I think you're missing the point. The whole reason it's Brain Candy is exactly because I don't have to think.

Do boys think when they are enjoying Eye Candy? Then why would girls be thinking when they are enjoying Brain Candy?

Eye Candy:

Brain Candy:

Any questions?

The RN: Expectations

It seems like there are so many expectations around us everyday. And many of them revolve around dating and finding "the one". Lately it seems like a lot of my expectations are ... wrong? ... not quite right? ... off?

First, I expect most guys I know aren't assholes. However, it seems like the asshole hat has been going around lately. There's my so-called-friends hitting on me in the most awkward ways. My friends are just that - friends, not friends with benefits. Just plain, old friends. PJ Guy keeps sending me the most random emails. Like I need advice on how to run my life. Or my interests line up with his in anything more than in general ways.

I do not want to be your extra-marital affair! Ew! Just stop! I had to block PJ Guy on Google Chat even though I'm on there less than once a week. Every time I logged in he pounces on me with some random topic I was supposed to care about. And he still sends me emails with lists of links. Like I have time to read all that crap. I actually do have life and I don't need your advice on what I should be doing with my life. All under the guise of "I thought you might be interested in ..." Why?!? Why did you think I'd be interested in the stuff you are? Also, hello! Passive-aggressive much? I am perfectly capable of living my own life. I can make my own choices, even you don't think they are the right ones. It's my life - I get to make the choices. And I choose not to spend any time with you. I do not want to be involved with this:

I have enough drama in my life as it is. I don't really think I need to mention how my expectations for my recent dates have been off. Gems is well Gems. He's texted a few more times with things like: "Drinking?" and "Are you alive?" Well, yes, I am, but as far you are concerned maybe not. At least I have started to expect him to behave like that.

CT on the other hand, has always been ... well, nice to me. Until last week. I know it's just a small thing, but I really wasn't expecting it from him. We were texting last Thursday and he was trying to convince me to go over there. But thing is, I was tired, hungry, and I had laundry to do. Which I told him, then he came back with "You can do your laundry an hour later." Well, yes, I can, but I'm pretty sure it won't just be an hour. Plus I was hungry and he doesn't have food I can eat. (Long story, short: he's basically a vegetarian and I'm allergic to most vegetables.) We went back and forth a few more times and then, BAM!, he hits me with, "You don't need everything you own for [tomorrow] just one outfit. You are a drama queen." Apparently this is me:

As I was telling a few people (The Slow Dancer, The Dirty Little Secret, and The Window Shopper to name a few), they all burst out laughing. Because here's the thing: I'm not actually a Drama Queen. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of drama - we all do. But in general I don't make more out of a situation than needs to be made. Yeah, I'm still a little miffed about this one. It actually really hurt my feelings that my having a life and things to do other than going over to his place was enough to insight name calling. Also he never comes to me, so I'm always the one who has to spend the time to get to him.

And I got in a fight with The Ex last week too. He was being a jerk. Sending me pictures of movies he knows scare me. In the middle of the night. After I told him I was trying to go to sleep. Like I said a jerk. I told him to knock it off or I'd stop talking to him. Then, when I stopped talking to him because he didn't stop, he comes back with, "Wow! You weren't kidding about not talking to me anymore." Well no shit! That's what I said. So I responded with, "We're not dating anymore - I don't have to put up with [you] being mean." Then, of course, he starts texting me pictures of the dog I had to leave with him. So course I looked and had to start talking to him again. Sigh. He really does know me that well.

Then there's this: I don't where I'm going in life anymore. The PoolBoy and I were talking about buying houses and growing up (like we both aren't in our mid 30s). I realized I don't know what I want out of life or a relationship anymore. Do I want to spend my life alone or in short term relationships? No. But I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I know I can't keep living like I do now, I'll wear myself out. But will I be in a serious relationship? Will I be married? Will I still be hanging out with people younger than me acting like I'm their age? I just don't know. When I was younger, I thought I'd be married and maybe have kids by now - see how things change? at one point I thought I wanted kids, now I don't even want a dog because it would disrupt my life too much. I have no idea what I want out of life right now. So, how am I supposed to get there if I don't know where there is?

Excellent question; I have no answer ... for now.

The RN: Creepers

I seemed to have entered the creep zone somehow. I touched on some of it in my last blog with some of creepy behavior from some of my so-called friends. It seems like the last couple of months have had a high creep factor.

First Gems - still being creepy. The one and two word text messages continue. My lack of response also continues. I mean really? You can't put together more than a few words? The clear lack of effort and continued expectation that I should respond by putting out are tiring. I mean really, put a little effort into it. Or not. If you don't, I won't.

Next Pajama Guy - you met him last blog as the second example of the Awkward Friend. After that ridiculousness in the airport, he continued to text me craziness for the next week. I think the most annoying was the "Chirp-chirp" texts he sent in the mornings. Which were poorly timed "wake-up calls" usually arriving after I'd already gone to work. Here's what he thought would be a good idea to send me:

• Tuesday's Wake-Up Texts
• Chirp-chirp
• Welcome a New Day with a smile on your lips and Good Thoughts in your Heart. Have a great day!
• Wednesday's Wake-Up Texts
• Chirp-chirp
• Breath
• Let go
• And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. Good morning.

Not super creepy in the content, but really I don't even talk/text/chat with my best friends on daily basis. Why would I want to talk to him on a daily basis?!? And these are clearly more than someone who is a work friend should be sending. It wasn't as much what he was sending as it was that he was sending daily texts every morning. I felt like a toy he had found at the back of his closet and wanted to play with again. 

Except I'm not a toy, and he doesn't ever get to play with me. 

1. I don't mess around with people from work. Period. 
2. Ew, no! He's not my type.
3. Double, triple, ick - he's married ... with kids!
4. Even the thought of it makes my head hurt worse than a saw in my skull.

Since, I found myself surrounded by creeps, I decided to slow down my dating again. I know, I know, I haven't really been doing any lately. But, as I've said before, I'm tired of the short, short game. This did, however, still leave me the opportunity for a first date. He was a friend of an old friend of The Dirty Little Secret.

We had actually met last November, and he had commented on wanting to take me out. But he didn't follow through. So when we ran into each other again a few days ago I gave him a second chance, and a lot of flack about not following though last time. This time we did manage to go out on our first date and then ... nothing. I thought it went pretty well, but he never called or texted. I texted him a couple times, but to no response.

I don't know how exactly that makes me feel. Part of me wants to think there's hope since I thought the date went well. The rest of me is sad the first thing that felt like it might have a chance to be something more than a short game fell off after one date. I can't really complain about him not responding since that's what I'm doing with Gems and Pajama Guy. But I do abide by the Double Text Rule. I sent one text two days later and one text a week after the date. With no response, I know better than to send another.

Sigh. Oh well.

The RN: The Awkward "Friend"

I'm one of those girls who has a lot of guy friends. I'm an engineer; most engineers are guys. I spent a lot of time with guys, many of them are engineers. I'm used to awkward. I'm used to dealing with people who don't have any clue (remember Late Guy?). But I am starting to notice a ... disturbing? ... new category of awkward.

I repeat this is does NOT make me happy.

This new category of Awkward Friends is define by a guy who has been your friend for however long, and is totally fine or maybe a little to touchy-feely, stands a little too close, but in general is a "good" friend. Until he finds out you're no longer with your ex.

Then things begin to change, slowly at first, and then they progress to just awkward. I have two stand out examples. Many Some guys flirt with getting into this category but then notice the awkwardness and move back to friends. Thank goodness!

The first and more obvious (in so many ways) is one my friends from Grad School. We spent a bit of time hanging out together while I was at school. And we've kept in touch here and there over the years. He was always a bit on the creepy side ("You're one of 5 girls I'd consider marrying."), but taken in context it wasn't ever overbearing or much worse than the other crap awkward guys pull.

After I broke up with The Ex, he got creepy really fast. Here's some randomish things he's commented on my Facebook pictures:

• Rawr.
• Love the form fitting outfit. And the form it fits.
• More tongue, please. (To be fair I was sticking my out in this one.)
• Royal purple suits you.
• I'm going to run my fingers through those gorgeous locks the next time we meet.
• I am so glad you grew your hair out again. You know what I'm going to do with it the next time I see you, yes?
• This one prompted my mom to comment, "Ok, [guy], you're scaring me. Tell me you mean braids . . .!"
• Also, this is motivation to never see him in person again. And ... EEEEWWWWW!

So I pretty much stopped talking to him ... and mostly blocked him on Facebook, but you know since we used to be friends he still has all kinds of contact info for me. Blocking him entirely would create quite a bit of drama.

The other guy is an old, "manager type" friend from work about 8 years ago. He travels to near where I live now with some frequency and we used to meet up for dinner and chatting. I was on the "we are friends, we don't see each any more really let's grab dinner" page. Apparently he was not. About 2 years ago he decided it was okay to send me satin pajamas from Victoria's Secret as a Christmas present. Which I sent back with a short note:

"I cannot except this present. It is inappropriate in the context of our friendship."

Last week after working on keeping distance for almost 2 years, I agreed to have dinner with him again on Wednesday. Dinner wasn't bad, we caught up, and things seemed normal. So we went across the way to "get a beer" and things were still fine, but he started to get a little touchy-feely - nothing too bad. Most of it could be considered "gentlemanly".

And then he texted me on Thursday about going to lunch on Friday. Um, no. I barely have time to see my friends living here as it is. You don't get 2 times in one week. The Peach told me I was over reacting. I told her I probably was, but then I don't what I did to encourage the pajamas in the first place and I wanted to stay as far away from that as I possibly could. But agreed to let it go.

Then on Friday he started texting from the airport about some chick hitting on him there. And about how he decided to hide in the bathroom. And then HE KEPT TEXTING ME FROM THE BATHROOM and telling me about it. UGH! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS! So I stopped responding and he only sent like 6 more texts.

I guess we're back to the part about how I'm too nice to guys ...

The DLS: Hope Springs...A Trap

This morning while putting pen to paper for my own peace of mind - a thing I do to sort out the whirling dervish in my head - I curiously found myself writing a blog-like entry instead...I debated voicing these thoughts semi-publicly given their subject matter. Perhaps this is more human nature than a secret, but in some ways I am deeply private and it takes a certain courage to say: Dirty Little Secret #6: Sometimes I have pretty dark/deep/self-deprecating thoughts. Things so easy to think yet hard to say aloud for fear they might become real. The words of that voice in your head - let's call it Iago - that makes you doubt yourself...and others. Usually I am good at telling Iago to "fuck off," but sometimes I lose that battle and give in to all the "truths" it tells me.

I have been alone for a LOOONNNGGGG time, and (spoiler alert: until recently) I haven't met someone even slightly inspiring in the LOOOOOOONGEST time. Normally, this bothers me little or not at all, but every once in a while, I have some spark that triggers an internal meltdown, releasing all the unspeakable things. For one, I miss My Ex, or at least I miss the idea of us - the laughter, good plans, great sex. He was in some ways my greatest joy, yet the catalyst of some of my deepest sorrows - we don't work, we won't work. Yet, I haven't felt things like I did with him...probably ever since. I rarely meet people who make me look twice, and I KNOW when someone is special;.it's a palpable gut feeling, but that still doesn't mean things will work out. Men roll off me like water off a duck...

Recently a blip popped up on RADAR I thought was busted from the last crash and burn in my love/social life. I hardly noticed the blip, but then it was right in the center screen, blinking bright green, impossible to ignore. Outside factors and complications aside, the more I learned about him the more I wanted to ask and know. And the chemistry is/was off the charts - head spinning, can't think straight let alone at all, giddy "love" drunkenness - yet he hasn't really followed through...like most men I've encountered for the last couple years. And this spark, this ember, this hope I didn't want was brought to life to die, in all likelihood, before even being fully born.

It doesn't seem fair - I know, I know, life by default isn't, but still - I was fine on my own, this is always when guys pop up, and now I just can't help wonder "what if?" One can argue "If it's meant to be, it'll work out," and this is my overall philosophy - when I can push Iago aside - but it's hard to have one night, a glimpse and then nothing...well, a few text convos and likely empty promises, so next to nothing. I think of things I would have done differently - orgasm? yes, please; stay the night? absolutely. I wonder if he's just that busy, if I did something wrong or if there really IS something inherently wrong with me..."unlovable" whispers Iago.  A thought that haunts me from time to time, an Achilles heel of pain.

One of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, captures the essence perfectly: "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." Or in other words: Hope is a tease...a trap. Mainly because we need hope to be able to dare to risk all and do great things, to hang in when times are tough or we're stuck in life's doldrums. I know many of my single friends share similar frustrations and sentiments - The Window Shopper and I have discussed this in-depth on more than one occasion, in fact she wrote about it eloquently, yet briefly in her personal blog. The crazy, weird, maybe even obvious thing is, they're fabulous. WE'RE fabulous, flaws and all. We're single because we know it's worth waiting for our "lobsters." We're not waiting for someone(s) to complete us, we're learning to be whole ourselves first and hoping - there's that nasty word again - that we'll find someone(s) to join us on our grand adventures. Like romping around with complete abandon on a playground in near total darkness after dancing like a fool all night at the beach bar. I hope I never outgrow that lust for life...

Deep thoughts, 
By The DLS

The RN: Must be a Full Moon

"This month's full moon, which rises on Tuesday (Aug. 20), is not just a Blue Moon — it's also the Full Sturgeon Moon, the Full Red Moon, the Green Corn Moon and the Grain Moon."
   - The Huffington Post

My only thought when reading the post was, "Well at least I was right it being a full moon this week." Here is it only Wednesday and I have had three (yes three) guys message me about hooking up. Maybe I do need fewer hookups. I barely have time for the rest of my life without spending the night elsewhere during the week.

My horoscope had this to say this morning, "Any romantic involvements you currently have will have an intensity right now that can either be positive or negative." So it seems like at three of my involvements have intensified. The jury's still out on whether this a good thing or a bad one.

And just in case you were wondering, nope, haven't gone over to anyone's house. Although I'm tempted, this week is just a little too busy. So far ...

The RN: Turning the Page

So, we're right at one year since this whole crazy book club started. I think I am in a totally different place than I was when we started this. It seems like a year isn't very long to have changed from scared of dating to ... bored? with dating. From this:

To this:

In just one short year, I'm on a totally different page. I have to admit I am no longer scared of dating, but I do still seem to have an issue with being able to get out of the "relationship" when I want :(

Although my attitude has changed quite a bit, and I have moved on to a completely different page, I still think I might be bad at dating. I still have reservations about getting into things and I still worry too much about disappointing the guys when they want something different than I do. I think I might still have some issues to work through. Although I'm doing much better than I was last year.

This year the anniversary of breaking up with The Ex went by before I had even noticed. The Ex and I are actually still friends and were teasing each other about it:

The RN: Hey! Why didn't you text me Happy Birthday [the other day]?
The Ex: Happy belated anniversary
And Birthday
The RN: Lol, okay you're forgiven.
...
The RN: But only because that was an AWESOME response.
The first one.

Incase you were wondering our anniversary and my birthday were one day apart. This year I wasn't upset about how long we had been broken up, I wan't upset it would have been 15 years, and I wasn't upset by turning 35 (dang still sounds old).

So ... Gems started talking to me again this week. So far nothing major just some chit chat, but I have decided, while I don't mind talking to him, I'm not "going out" with him again. Or whatever the hell it is we were doing where he thought he should get laid, but wouldn't call it a date.

I am coming to a place where I'm ready to turn the page on dating. I'm not ready for anything serious, but I think I'm also done with the hook-up stage. Not that I'm ditching my current hook-ups, but I think I'm looking for something more than: "Hey, whatcha up to tonight?"

A year later and I'm still ... starting at single.

The RN: A Conundrum?

This month has been really busy for me, but not for me dating. Mostly what made it busy was me going on vacation and meeting my sister and a college friend for about week. For a self-proclaimed city girl, I do enjoy the "country" apparently. Well I like it a lot more now that my cell gets a little bit of a signal while I'm out there. The mountains of Colorado are amazing and I never regret it when I make it out there. I guess I might be starting to get a little home sick for the West.

And now for the dating talk.

The weekend before I left, I met CT at the beach for a nice night since he had an ocean-front hotel room for the night. He's definitely the guy I have been "seeing" the longest. Here's the thing about CT: I know exactly where I stand with him. We see each other when one of us is in the mood, there's no unknown expectations, and I don't have to argue with him about using condoms. It's refreshing. He's fucking seeing other people, I'm fucking seeing other people, and we're both okay with it. There's no weirdness, there's no pressure, we don't have to talk to each other all the time, and we're not bringing our hearts to the table. This is what I want, just more of them so I don't get too attached, like this:

Don't laugh I've met at least one of these girls. They are CREEPY! And I don't want to be one. EVER!

So I thought Gems might become one of these; however, he seems to be lining up to be more like Baseball Guy. You remember him, right? Overly demanding on my time, a little to the creepy side, and just generally annoying. Yeah, that one. Gems is more and more like him - only Gems doesn't want to use to condoms on top of it all. At least condoms weren't an issue with Baseball Guy. Today's (which is a Monday in case you wondering and don't want to figure it out) conversation with Gems went something like this:

Gems: Hey

The Rn: Hey

How was your weekend?

<... boring stuff ...>

Gems: So what does your week look like?

The RN: Gym tonight with The Dirty Little Secret

Chiropractor on Tuesday

Swimming with The Slow Dancer on Wednesday
Dinner with The Peach on Thursday
And my bro-in-law gets to town again on Friday morning
Gems: And your bro-in-law is here all weekend?
The RN: Yep
Gems closes the chat window.

So I think he might be a little mad at me. My only thought was ... so what? He was is a pain in the ass. Kind of like this:

Sartre: "Hell is other people."

I'm basically thinking, does this mean I don't have to cut him? I do a little happy dance, then realize this probably isn't the end. Pout :(

So, the Conundrum. Let's start with how to ask the question without sounding like a bitch conceded. Hm, maybe I'll just ask it. I've already said I'm not a knock out, but I don't really have any trouble finding people who want to sleep with me, so why would I put in a ton effort to keep one around who is annoying the crap out of me?

I keep coming back to: maybe The Window Shopper is right - I am just too nice to guys. Gems is the first guy where I have no qualms about possibly hurting his feelings. After the crap with not responding to my text for 7 hours and then getting pissy about me missing the BBQ, I really just don't care. Which probably evidence enough I should stop talking to him.

Especially when you meet him in a bar.

The RN: R E S P E C T

I want to talk about respect in a "relationship". Okay, so maybe relationship is too strong of a word for the dating that I have been doing.

First there should be some. Gems has been getting my nerves lately and I feel a little disrespected.

I'm not asking for that much. At least I don't think I am. Okay, so we clearly not in an actual relationship (which is fine with me). But then you ask me to dinner and you pay, and then you pay for drinks afterwards. Where you tell me that this not a date, but then you try to get to me to go back to your place. That basically sounds exactly like a date to me. We went out some where, you paid, and you want to get ... intimate. I'm pretty sure if the possibility of sex is on the table it counts as a date. Unless we're friend with benefits, which we aren't. Even hookups where you go to dinner first count as dates in my book.

This leaves me in a place where I have no idea where I stand. If you admit that we're dating then I'm okay, but if we're not dating, then WTF are we doing? Because you are clearly trying to get me into bed, so we're not just friends. So, friends with benefits? But we're not really friends yet either so FWB seems like it's not quite right. Yeah, no idea where I stand other than you want to sleep with me.

So, Gems sort of invited me to BBQ at the pool at his apartment complex a couple of weekends ago. Only all he said was, "a bunch of us are getting together on Saturday you should stop by." So, I went running on Saturday morning like I normally do. I had a great run and then after my shower, the day went down hill. I texted Gems to start a quick convo so I could see when the BBQ was and I put on a bikini after my shower:

Then while I was waiting to see when the BBQ was, my ex started texting and then I had to call him about the house. It's a whole thing - I don't really want to talk about it. My ex and I get along pretty well actually, but we're still exes and I didn't really want to spend 2 hours of my Saturday talking to him while I was theoretically supposed to be at a pool party. Gems, meanwhile, had not texted back. It took Gems over 7 hours to finally respond...

So, I realize that I sent a chit-chatty text, but it was relevant to the last he text sent me. All I wanted was a response to let me know that he was paying attention. Seriously, one word would have been enough. My real concern was if he couldn't take two seconds to respond to my "how was the bar last night?" text, then how was I going to get into the party? Just show up at his complex and hope I find the pool and then find his group? That's not my style, but between the lack of response and the call with the ex hitting me a little hard - it put me in a funk.

I mean who invites someone to a party and then doesn't follow through? So, after I realized I wasn't going to the party, I had to take off my bikini :(

Then I did what any self respecting girl would do: I put on a dress that may have been a little too short, looked great on me, and I went out with my roommate, The PoolBoy. He ditched the crowd he had run into at the bar crawl and I talked him into meeting me at a bar near our place and still on his crawl so he could still get his bar crawl deal. I accidentally warned off the first guy in the bar to hit on me. Yes, someone actually approached me in a bar and I messed it up. Did you miss the post about me not being good at this? I thought he said "friend", but then later I realized he'd said "boyfriend". Oh well.

The PoolBoy and I met up with some other friends and headed over to a Karaoke bar down the street. Then several hours later, Gems finally text me back. I was a little drunk and a little pissed, but I managed to not be a total bitch. But all the same I felt pretty disrespected.

On the topic of respect, let's talk about condoms. Every time someone asks to not use them or assumes that it's fine because "we both have good jobs" or whatever other excuse, I also feel disrespected. Especially if you don't ask me anything about birth control or diseases. How do you know if I'm on birth control? What if I do have an STD? What if you have an STD? You didn't even try to ask. I'm dating a bunch of guys right now. I assume you're dating other girls. Don't treat me like a slut, just because I said yes doesn't mean you don't have to treat me with respect.

Until we are in an exclusive, long-term relationship you need to use a condom! To assume otherwise is dangerous. What if I am a slut that's trying to trap you into getting me pregnant? You don't know me that well. I'm not saying I jump right into sex, but I'm not waiting that long either.

The RN: The Chaos of Life

So, June turned out to be a busy month. I have been running around like a crazy most of the month. It started with my laptop taking a fantastic spiral of doom into destruction. It died piece by piece over the course of about 10 days, until it ended like this:

Which, some what surprisingly, still sort of works, but really doesn't display anything so that makes it a bit hard to use. I guess 5 years is a long life for laptop and the hinges etc. start to give out. Anyway, just as I about to head to Apple to buy a new one, someone reminded me Apple's Worldwide Developers Conference was taking place the next week. Damn it! Clearly I had to wait to see if they would announce a new Air, which they did. Then I had to wait some more for it become available, because what else would have been point of waiting? And may I just say, the new Gen 4 is WAY better than the destructed Gen 1, even before it started going all wonky.

Maybe you forgot, but I'm a huge nerd. I cannot even begin to tell you how not having a laptop for two weeks effected me. I have not been laptop-less since 1999. It was so painful. I have to stop talking about it now, or I'll get all upset again.

So, moving on to happier topics ... or not. The next craziness in June, was my last grandparent passed away. Which is sad, but we weren't close and grandpa was almost 99 when he passed. He'd had a long and happy life. We can add flying halfway across the country to a funeral to the list of crap I had to deal with in June. I did get to see a few cousins that I hadn't seen in over a decade, so there were a few good parts to the trip. Also, I was disappointed to learn that non 24x7 Taco Bells exist. Yes, I'm officially a city girl (sorry Dad, deal with it).

Right now I'm mostly trying to catch up with my life again. I feel about 5 weeks behind. So that's what I've been up to this month. Oh wait, this is supposed to be a blog about dating. Yeah, I didn't really do a lot of dating this month. Mostly hung out with my friends, although I did learn getting literally swept off your feet can be ... less than romantic. While an amusing show of strength, might be better done when everyone's not drunk and I'm not wearing a short skirt. Although most of the passersby on the street seemed to find it amusing. At least I wearing boy-shorts underwear.

The DLS: Back to the Future

Well kids, it's been loooonnng time, but I'm back...for now.  As I've said many times, I'm consistently inconsistent. This might make me seem irresponsible (I'm not), but really life's better if I go with my own flow. In this instance, my flow took me away from online dating (was I ever really IN it?) and back to meeting people in bars and via sports. Apparently, as the RN hinted called out point-blank, I am someone who gets a decent amount of glances, first and otherwise, and I do better being able to read people's energy in-person. In keeping with the trend, I present Dirty Little Secret #5: Online dating is NOT for me.

I could exhaust you with a list of all the reasons why online dating terrifies/annoys me, but I'll sum it up thusly: Online people have strange/uncomfortable tactics (IMHO), and even if I do find a guy who seems like a fit (HA! I don't), I do not follow through with anyone online. EVER. I will never poo-poo those who choose to date online; I know several people, including a close uncle, who have met their spouses online. It CAN happen. It just won't for me, so I will instead continue to do what comes naturally and show up in-person ready to play...

And now for something completely different: A "quick" catch-up on my guy-related antics of the last 8+ months.

Come late October, VS was a bust. He lied...without good reason, and I caught him in it (thanks, Facebook!). Around that time, My Ex came back...twice, for dubious reasons at best. The first I went along with because I had an itch to scratch, but the second required me to put my foot down. HARD. He sought my comfort THE night of a break-up with his semi-established girlfriend (they got back together in a heartbeat). After almost 3 years of back-and-forth nonsense, I finally had enough and roared made my feelings known, clarifying I am not a toy, security blanket or drug for self-esteem boosts. He is not welcome in my life if he cannot respect me. I got a surprising and heartfelt (for him) apology, and we went our separate ways...ish. Moral of those stories: Men get greedy for attention and will do whatever it takes to keep it/feel good.

After the first round of shenanigans with My Ex, I willingly got tangled up with another ex-type thing from November through March. We'll call him BackStabber or BS because he dated a friend of mine behind my back during her break up with a guy friend of mine - yeah, it's THAT complicated, but to forgive is divine. I don't regret my time with BS, but it eventually required an exit...again. Gory details aside, I ended up wearing my yoga pants for a jacket (I had been kept in the cold) and crying on Metro, while strangers tried to comfort me and I had no fucks to give. Made me think of the Subway Wars HIMYM episode. Moral of that story: Don't take anything to a guy's house that you can't stand to leave behind.

Of late, I'm back to picking up guys accidentally while playing sports: soccer and volleyball (come July) both with TWS. Unfortunately, I also picked up unwanted attention from guys I consider just friends, receiving such random gems as "I have a crazy idea, let's go take a bath :sticks out/wiggles tongue:" and "don't friend-zone me, I'm a slow-roller" :facepalm: The guys I like have mostly been too young, which is not like me at all. I know nothing real will come of any of it, and surprisingly, I'm okay with that. Moral of this (unfinished) story: Appreciate what you have with someone for what it is and for however long you have it.

Pfew...that was a long one (hehe TWSS).

~The DLS

The RN: Gem Star?

I have started back up with the online dating, but I'm taking it much slower this time around. For one, I don't want to spend all that time online reading crappy profiles. And for two, I think I might be getting pickier. Possibly not picky enough though.

So far I haven't responded to any messages on OKC, but I have read all my new messages. So far nothing has struck my fancy. Some guys still have super lame messages:

• "God, you're beautiful"
• Thanks, but what does this tell me about you?
• "You seem fun"
• Again, thanks, but not enough for me to check out your profile.

Also, what happened to the punctuation at the end of sentences? Even if there is only one. Also the single worst username for a dating account? "Currylingus" Just stop there: NO!

I seem to be going through an "out with the old, in with new" phase. After all the dating last fall, the only ones left are CT and a few friends with benefits. And lately CT has been getting on my nerves. Not sure how much longer that is going to last. Fortunately for him, he doesn't bother to talk to me that often so I keep forgetting I'm annoyed.

On to the new, the other day I mentioned I met a guy at a bar. That's kind of unusual for me. Both for the reasons mentioned in the blog, and well because I'm a bit shy and don't strike up conversations with strangers easily. But since The Dirty Little Secret was there to break the ice and the guys engaged us in actual conversation, starting somehow by giving us gem names.

These kind of gems.	Not this kind of Jem.

So Gems (yep, that what I chose for his nick name) is getting his chance. Some people are already telling me I'm being too nice to him and I should drop him. But here's thing, it's in my nature to give second chances. I do need to work on making sure I don't feel taken advantage of or let things go to long because I'm uncomfortable "breaking up" with guys.

Gems and I have been on like .75 dates. We went on a sort of date a couple of weeks ago, but then ended up at a local bar hanging out with his friends. And then on Sunday my friend and I went to the bar he was at with his friends and we hung out for a while. Our next date had better be somewhere that his buddies aren't hanging out. I do like him and I think he's cute, maybe I just need a new guy to talk to for awhile.

The RN: Second Glances

This was originally going to be part of the last post, but that one got way too long and I had to cut it off - oh the <whatever word you're supposed to use instead of irony>.

Disclaimer: I do not have a self-esteem issue; I'm just realistic.

I'm not a first glance. Guys don't notice me from across the room. (No comments from anyone on how this might change if I wore more makeup, this means you The Window Shopper, The Dirty Little Secret, my sister, my mom, my best friend from 8th grade.) I don't usually get catcalls. I have had some ... less than ... stellar? ... things said to me:

• "Not to be rude, you're pretty, but my ex was like beauty queen beautiful."
• "For some reason <our friend> is attracted to [The RN]."
• "You're cute, I guess."
• "Are you sure you should eat that?"
• "Hey, I'm <John>. Can you introduce me to your friend? She's really hot."

Basically, this is not me:

I'm okay with this; it's not really who am I anyway. I like to describe myself as being on the pretty side of plain. I do cute better than beautiful. This is not to say I think poorly of myself. In fact, most days I think I'm pretty awesome. But, I'm much closer to this:

This is generally where the argument starts. People think just because I don't think I'm "hot", "gorgeous", or "beautiful" I don't value myself. That's 100% not true. 

I am, however, the kind of girl who usually only gets noticed on the second glance. By this I mean, guys tend not to notice me for my looks. This is not to say they don't find me attractive; it's just not what starts the conversation. Once guys get to know me, or at least start talking to me, then they start looking a little closer and decide I'm pretty, or whatever terminology they want to use. Negative connotations aside, I do better with my personality than my looks. And really we can't all be above average in attractiveness, there has to be average looking people too.

Here's a perfect example from last weekend. The Dirty Little Secret, The Poolboy, and I were out at a local bar on Friday night. None of us were really in the mood for a long night out, but we wanted to do something besides sit around at home. Also, I had a 5K on Saturday morning so I wasn't up for too much. Nevertheless, while we were hanging out several guys hit on The Dirty Little Secret. The first guy was awful. I am still rolling my eye over his attempts. 

A little later in the night, this really drunk guy started hitting on her and his friends came over to try to save the situation (or just to keep their friend from getting thrown out). So there were like 4 or 5 guys talking to The Dirty Little Secret and me. Another one of our friends we ran into at the bar was talking to The Poolboy, so he was talking to him, but still keeping an eye out - he really is a good guy. While these guys were talking to us, one of them mentioned he was in computers. So immediately I was much  more interested in talking to him. A couple of minutes later, I asked him what kind of computers and the conversation took off from there.

This is exactly what I mean. None of these guys started by hitting on me. In fact even the guy I was talking to, and eventually went out on a date with, didn't start by talking to me. I wasn't the one drawing the attention; I rarely am. Apparently, I have more inner beauty than outer beauty - I'm a second glance girl.

The RN: Second Chances

After writing about Late Guy, I realized I needed to do something about how irritated I was at him. Was this falling apart? Did we just have different things in mind? Would he ever have the nerve to get past kissing? And did I even want to get past kissing?

I have realized I have always been on the fence about Late Guy. I like him, but I'm starting to see  I don't like him that way. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, let me tell you about the last few weeks.

After the last dating post (as opposed to makeup post), I was annoyed because Late Guy seemed unable to moved past kissing. And because we were usually making out in cars. Go read the intro again, I'm not a teenager - making out in cars does not appeal to me! So I decided to give him one more second chance to see how things went.

I had told him I could go out on a Thursday night, but then The Peach said the only night we could get together for dinner was Thursday. So, for her, I shuffled Late Guy to Friday night. Of course, he was ecstatic to have a Friday night. Listen, I like to save my weekends for my friends. I have lots of friends and I don't need more things clogging up my weekends. This already gives you an idea of where Late Guy ranks on the list. As a note, CT a) has gotten me for a entire week before and b) has totally gotten Friday nights since he moved here.

Anyway Late Guy finally planned a good date and had a plan to get us closer. After we did some golf thing where you hit balls off the second story of building into a netted area full of holes; don't ask me what it was, but it was surprisingly fun. Then he took me to see Evil Dead. Points for him for having a plan to get me to touch him. Points away from him for complaining that a) my grip was hurting his hand and b) my other hand kind of hurt his bicep when I got even more freaked out. Hey, horror films aren't good for my blood pressure. Oh, and I scream out loud during them. Duh, what were you expecting? That was sort of his plan.

Only he didn't quite get that right either. It wasn't bad, but even guys at work who were routing for Late Guy were like, "WTF? That's not how to do it!" So Late Guy's perhaps a little taller than me, by, like, over a foot. Yeah, he's 14 inches taller than me. Which made it a little less awkward when he just held my hand instead of actually put his arm around me; I could literally hide behind his arm. Still, he could have taken better advantage. Holding hands only gives him the option of "accidentally" brushing my boob instead of pulling the dangling hand maneuver. You know something this:

Source: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/boob%20grab

But maybe with a little more class. Regardless, he didn't even try to put his arm around me. So awkward. And who complains about girl grabbing on to them in scary movie? Whatever, I can't even get worked up over it because at least he was trying. At the "end" of the night, he drove me back to my car (seriously, pick a girl up) and we were kissing in his car, shocking I know.

And I thought to myself, "If you grab anything, fuck, if you even try to grab anything, you can have another chance. If this ends in kissing in a car again, I'm done." Then just as I'm about to give up completely ... he actually made a move! So, I gave him his second chance. And things ... progressed, but not as far as he probably would have liked. And now, I think it might have been better if he had just chickened out or if I had the guts to end it before this date. Not that I regret doing anything with him, except, well, it seems to have given him the idea that we are somehow in "a real relationship". Ugh.

So, the straw that finally broke the camel's back for Late Guy was a concert. He jumped right in the other day with "So, what are you doing.labor day weekend?" Um, WHAT!?!?! That is 5 MONTHS from now. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

There are so many things wrong with that as an opening line to a conversation.

• Why on God's green earth do people think it's okay to not use capital letters?
• I usually forgive the beginning of sentences, but the "labor day" thing really annoyed me.
• It's also possible that I'm just nit picking because I'm tired of this guy.
• Why are you using a period for a space in the middle that sentence?
• Learn to use your phone!
• This is not a start to conversation unless you are extremely familiar with each other!
• Even an awkward "Hey sexy" would have been better.
• Did I not just say something last week about not being ready for serious?
• Yes, I realize I didn't say it in the context of the two of us, but the none the less it was said. Out loud. Directly to him.
• Seriously, why do you think we are at the advanced planning stage?

Then it just keeps getting better. Normally I visit family on Labor Day. They all live more than 2000 miles away and Labor Day is usually a four day weekend for me. So that means I can cross time zones and have a few real days with family without having to use any vacation at work. I told Late Guy I usually visit family, but didn't completely shut him down. He then invites me to a 2 day concert in another state for Saturday and Sunday. This completely ruins any chance I would be able to see my family if I went to the concert.

So right away I'm annoyed. First, can't this guy come up with anything to do that doesn't involve me riding in a car to another state with him? But again, I give him (yet another) second chance and ask about the concert. He gave me the wrong name so when I try to look it up I can't find anything about it. Then it takes him a couple hours to get me a link to the concert. When I finally get the link, there's only 2 bands I've heard of, well one more if you count one song I downloaded because my friends were singing it. Of the two I'm familiar with, I really only like one and then not even that much. Also, this is the only act he chose to make fun of while inviting me to the concert.

At this point I'm almost starting to feel bad for him; I mean how much can he mess up one invite? The bands seem to be just off mainstream Top 40 to me. Here's thing though, I don't listen to Top 40. I mean I've heard some of the songs - it's not like I live in a cave. But it's not what I choose to listen to. Also Late Guy never asked me what I liked to listen to, he just assumed I like Top 40. That annoys me to no end. I don't mind Top 40, but it's not who I am. On my dating profile it said, "Music: I plead the fifth." This should be an indication I don't listen to Top 40. My music collection is pretty eclectic, but to give you a good of what I like to listen to, my most played song on my iPod (by about 25%) is a Patty Loveless song from 1991.

After all of that ruckus, he asks me what I think about going to this concert. I tell him I can't go, I'm visiting family. Then the real kicker, he asks me why I can't go. Didn't I just give you a nice safe reason? But no, he wants to know if it's because I don't think we'll be seeing each other in September. Well of course that's the reason! Don't you see how much of struggle this whole thing has been? Wait, you don't because I'm not the one making it awkward. Damn it. So I don't really want to say it's because there's no chance this is lasting that long, and I chicken out and say it's not really my kind of music. Which is 100% true, but it's also the safe answer.

So, I'm not really sure how I'm planning on getting out of this "relationship" (gag me with a spoon). But it seems pretty clear he wants things that I'm completely not interested in having right now. And that means I have to "break up" with him. I hate doing that.

While I'm talking to The Window Shopper about this whole thing and the following exchange takes place while discussing me having to end it with Late Guy:

TWS: guuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl
run away
The RN makes scruntchy face.
TWS: LOL
The RN: yeah this is way starting to sound like serious dating :(
TWS: oh ya think?
lol
gimme his number.
i'll tell him what's what
The RN: lol
TWS: run. away
The RN: yeah, getting there
why is that so hard for me?
it's like disappointing them is more important than what I want
TWS: stop
stop whatever you are saying and reread this
it's like disappointing them is more important than what I want
The RN: I know
I don't understand why I do that to myself
am I just too nice to guys?
TWS: yes

There you have it. I know exactly what I want to do, but I am too worried about hurting his feelings to really want to do anything about it. Yep this is me: