The RN: Shower Talk

I recently had a conversation about showering with some friends. I know I had the same conversation about 1000 years ago with The DLS and The SD. What started the conversation was the impression when girls say they're going to rinse off, we didn't actually mean shower. We just sort of stood there in the shower and then turned it off and got out, no soap involved.

Of course, it took a little while for DLS and I to stop laughing. We then explained girls have different terms for showering based on context. If you are talking to a girl about her showering you can find clues about how she wants you to think about her.

DLS and I agreed (along with most girls I've talked to about this) you never tell a guy you're going to go "take a shower" unless you want him to think about you naked. There's probably exceptions for brothers and fathers here, but I'm not 100% on that being true all the time. My best guess as to why this happens is because showering is the term men use. They think about themselves in the shower and how good the water feels on their nakedness and then they think of you in the shower being naked. Possibly thinking of soap or shampoo dripping down your body. P.S. You're welcome for the imagery.

When I say "take a shower," this is what I assume you're thinking.

When we don't want you think about us naked, we use one of two(ish) terms to give you an idea of how long we are going to be. The first is usually "I have to wash my hair" or maybe "I need to shave my legs." These are designed to make men think about the boring, long task of washing hair; the socially acceptable blow off of "having to wash my hair"; the giant pile of bottles they know women have in their showers; and/or hairy legs. None of which are sexy, most of which make men roll their eyes. Now they're thinking of "women's beauty chores" and not your naked body, viola!

Much better, if you aren't interested, for him to think of these.

The other thing(s) we say is we're "going to go rinse off," or, I've also heard, "I'm going to run through the shower." This means we're going to wash our bodies and probably our face, but not wash our hair and not shave our legs. This is the fastest version of showering that women do. It usually takes between 5 and 10 minutes and is basically what guys do in their normal routine, minus the wiping shampoo over the top of their heads. This wording is meant to make you think we'll right back and nothing serious is happening. Apparently, it also has the side effect of making guys wonder how you shower without using soap.

Just a quick rinse.

I definitely like to use soap in my showers. I don't think I'm up for trying any of this no soap stuff. I must admit to being a little intrigued about this whole body regulation theory though.

The RN: Do I Have To?

I'm exhausted. I've had way too much adult stuff to deal with the last couple of months.

But first, let's start with a little immaturity. I celebrated my birthday at the beginning of August and it was a drunken-tomfoolery of fun. A bunch of us got together and celebrated like I was turning 21 at one of the clubs downtown. I'd tell you more, but I drank myself into oblivion in true twenty-something-I'm-too-young-to-care style.

And for the totally unfun, adult stuff. As I tried to donate blood, I got deferred twice because of low iron. With a significant drop in iron count between the first and second times. Which mean I might becoming anemic and should probably see a doctor to make sure I'm not having any other issues. But I really don't want to :(

In early July, The Dirty Little Secret had a house warming party for the condo she moved into a while (4 years?) ago. I had a rough night at the party. I realized I a few unresolved issues, in a way that made me the drama of the party :(

This is going to take too long, let me sum up. Here's a list of things I've had to deal with in last few months that make me wish I didn't have to deal with adult things:

• I changed jobs. This isn't a bad thing, but it was big for me.
• I had my car stolen.
• I found out I might becoming anemic.
• I spent hours at friend's party crying in a bedroom.
• I had to go to court as a witness, because my car was stolen.
• I realized I have a lot of unresolved issues with The Ex.
• I hired a lawyer to hopefully get me off the title of The Ex's house.
• I started going to therapy, because lots of issues.
• I had to stop completely stop talking to one of my friends because our "friendship" was causing me way too much stress.
• I am looking into buying a house.

I would like to go take a nap now.

A nice long nap, preferably in a bed instead of on a desk.

The Rn: Vegas Baby

Las Vegas, Baby!

A couple of weekends ago, a bunch of us went to Las Vegas to celebrate a pair of birthdays. The DLS and her college roommate (DCF) have birthdays about 4 weeks apart and this year was the big 3-0. So clearly a Vegas trip was in order. In all, we had up to 11 people out partying.

My sister (RNSis) and I arrived on Thursday night since we know a bunch of people in Vegas. On Thursday night and Friday, we hung out with a couple of our college friends one of who had to work through most of the festivities (RNCF2) and one who joined us for some of the fun (RNCF1) even though she's pregnant - yeah, my friends are that awesome.

Somehow on Thursday night, while visiting RNCF2 at her job, I got talked into riding a mechanical bull. On a Thursday. At like midnight (or 3am my time zone). While I was the DD. And yet no one was surprised I did it. Hm, not too worried about that. The resulting bruise was less than pleasant, but, meh, it was just a bruise.

On Friday morning, I was digging through my suitcase getting ready to go hang out, when I noticed I may not have done a stellar packing job. And by that I mean I packed 4 bras and 0 pairs of underwear for the weekend. Um, that's not really going to work. Quickly, we added Victoria's Secret to the day's shopping list. Then RNCF2, RNCF1, RNSis, and I all went and got mani-pedis, because we decided to spoil ourselves. Then we grabbed lunch with the addition of RNCF1's dad - because he's awesome. Then we went shopping. Let's hear it for Victoria's Secret's Semi Annual Sale; I was able to grab all the underwear I needed out of the clearance bin.

$4 a piece? Yes, please!

Next, I had to wash all the undies in the sink, because eew! gross! those were in the clearance bin. Fortunately, TWS's hotel-mate X had randomly grabbed some laundry soap at CVS on the way from the airport. Of course, I was on a time crunch. So undies washed, then me washed ... and shampooed ... and shaved. Because we were headed out to Sapphire for some fun.

Hello there.

Well only the girls, the two husbands went to go gamble while we were busy ogling. We had a blast. We also quickly realized who really spends a lot of money in these places, and let me tell you we weren't it. Apparently, there is a certain ... portion? ... of the population willing to pay large sums of money for male attention. If I wanted a guy to grind on me and grab me, I'd go to a (night) club or get back on OKC. Regardless, TWS and I conspired to get the DLS up on stage with cutest stripper for public lap dance. Don't regret it for a second.

The next day a few of us went to Sephora, and I got talked into buying more makeup. I mean I did want some lipstick, since we sort of skipped that in the first round, but then I got talked into some more eye shadow too. Which, of course, I have used since Vegas, so I shouldn't be complaining about because it's awesome. And I love the lipstick too. As TWS would put it, "Le sigh."

Then we went to an awesome steak house for the big birthday dinner. Great food. Better company. A little drama. Sounds about right.

Then we went to the club for bottle service. It was fun, really fun. Especially watching my sister go out for the first time since she had her first kid. Yeah, that's right, there are normal, child-bearing people in my family; I'm just not one of them. Plus after hanging with her husband all of last summer, it was time to put her through the wringer.

Family torture device.

I made out with a French guy at the club. Who was pleasantly aggressive; if not the best kisser. I may not be big on makeup, but I am pretty sure his goal was to eat all the lipstick off my face. Still, it was nice to have some harmless fun. After a bit of drama (don't slap people in the club; it's not nice) and a bit of miscommunication, X, TWS, RNSis, and I left the club and decided to play in the Casino for a bit. Nothing serious just a few nickel slots to entertain ourselves. Shortly there after we were joined by Lily just hanging out having some fun, still in our club dresses.

And that's how we meet the Canadians. That and the declared craziest line of the weekend, "We're from Michigan; we fuck Canadians all the time." Well, okay then, just like that 4 (of 8 we later found out) Canadians were down without hanging out most the night, like it wasn't already 5am. Gotta love Vegas time. Even though none of us are from MI. A few grew up there, but not all of us.

Something like this, I guess.

A few of those Canadians even got lucky over the course of the weekend. Alas, this was not my year; things didn't quite line up for me to hookup with anyone this time around. I was on the hookup bandwagon last year. Pretty sure I never caught that guy's real name; sorry Mom.

And that pretty much sums up the trip. Most of the drama got worked out before we left, the rest of it got cleared up over the next couple days. Well, except for the part where TWS's ride home from the airport ditched her there. Fortunately, my flight wasn't landing too much later than hers and her place is on my way home from the airport.

It was almost a drama free weekend ... almost.

The DLS: Hope Springs...A Trap

This morning while putting pen to paper for my own peace of mind - a thing I do to sort out the whirling dervish in my head - I curiously found myself writing a blog-like entry instead...I debated voicing these thoughts semi-publicly given their subject matter. Perhaps this is more human nature than a secret, but in some ways I am deeply private and it takes a certain courage to say: Dirty Little Secret #6: Sometimes I have pretty dark/deep/self-deprecating thoughts. Things so easy to think yet hard to say aloud for fear they might become real. The words of that voice in your head - let's call it Iago - that makes you doubt yourself...and others. Usually I am good at telling Iago to "fuck off," but sometimes I lose that battle and give in to all the "truths" it tells me.

I have been alone for a LOOONNNGGGG time, and (spoiler alert: until recently) I haven't met someone even slightly inspiring in the LOOOOOOONGEST time. Normally, this bothers me little or not at all, but every once in a while, I have some spark that triggers an internal meltdown, releasing all the unspeakable things. For one, I miss My Ex, or at least I miss the idea of us - the laughter, good plans, great sex. He was in some ways my greatest joy, yet the catalyst of some of my deepest sorrows - we don't work, we won't work. Yet, I haven't felt things like I did with him...probably ever since. I rarely meet people who make me look twice, and I KNOW when someone is special;.it's a palpable gut feeling, but that still doesn't mean things will work out. Men roll off me like water off a duck...

Recently a blip popped up on RADAR I thought was busted from the last crash and burn in my love/social life. I hardly noticed the blip, but then it was right in the center screen, blinking bright green, impossible to ignore. Outside factors and complications aside, the more I learned about him the more I wanted to ask and know. And the chemistry is/was off the charts - head spinning, can't think straight let alone at all, giddy "love" drunkenness - yet he hasn't really followed through...like most men I've encountered for the last couple years. And this spark, this ember, this hope I didn't want was brought to life to die, in all likelihood, before even being fully born.

It doesn't seem fair - I know, I know, life by default isn't, but still - I was fine on my own, this is always when guys pop up, and now I just can't help wonder "what if?" One can argue "If it's meant to be, it'll work out," and this is my overall philosophy - when I can push Iago aside - but it's hard to have one night, a glimpse and then nothing...well, a few text convos and likely empty promises, so next to nothing. I think of things I would have done differently - orgasm? yes, please; stay the night? absolutely. I wonder if he's just that busy, if I did something wrong or if there really IS something inherently wrong with me..."unlovable" whispers Iago.  A thought that haunts me from time to time, an Achilles heel of pain.

One of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, captures the essence perfectly: "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." Or in other words: Hope is a tease...a trap. Mainly because we need hope to be able to dare to risk all and do great things, to hang in when times are tough or we're stuck in life's doldrums. I know many of my single friends share similar frustrations and sentiments - The Window Shopper and I have discussed this in-depth on more than one occasion, in fact she wrote about it eloquently, yet briefly in her personal blog. The crazy, weird, maybe even obvious thing is, they're fabulous. WE'RE fabulous, flaws and all. We're single because we know it's worth waiting for our "lobsters." We're not waiting for someone(s) to complete us, we're learning to be whole ourselves first and hoping - there's that nasty word again - that we'll find someone(s) to join us on our grand adventures. Like romping around with complete abandon on a playground in near total darkness after dancing like a fool all night at the beach bar. I hope I never outgrow that lust for life...

Deep thoughts, 
By The DLS

The DLS: Back to the Future

Well kids, it's been loooonnng time, but I'm back...for now.  As I've said many times, I'm consistently inconsistent. This might make me seem irresponsible (I'm not), but really life's better if I go with my own flow. In this instance, my flow took me away from online dating (was I ever really IN it?) and back to meeting people in bars and via sports. Apparently, as the RN hinted called out point-blank, I am someone who gets a decent amount of glances, first and otherwise, and I do better being able to read people's energy in-person. In keeping with the trend, I present Dirty Little Secret #5: Online dating is NOT for me.

I could exhaust you with a list of all the reasons why online dating terrifies/annoys me, but I'll sum it up thusly: Online people have strange/uncomfortable tactics (IMHO), and even if I do find a guy who seems like a fit (HA! I don't), I do not follow through with anyone online. EVER. I will never poo-poo those who choose to date online; I know several people, including a close uncle, who have met their spouses online. It CAN happen. It just won't for me, so I will instead continue to do what comes naturally and show up in-person ready to play...

And now for something completely different: A "quick" catch-up on my guy-related antics of the last 8+ months.

Come late October, VS was a bust. He lied...without good reason, and I caught him in it (thanks, Facebook!). Around that time, My Ex came back...twice, for dubious reasons at best. The first I went along with because I had an itch to scratch, but the second required me to put my foot down. HARD. He sought my comfort THE night of a break-up with his semi-established girlfriend (they got back together in a heartbeat). After almost 3 years of back-and-forth nonsense, I finally had enough and roared made my feelings known, clarifying I am not a toy, security blanket or drug for self-esteem boosts. He is not welcome in my life if he cannot respect me. I got a surprising and heartfelt (for him) apology, and we went our separate ways...ish. Moral of those stories: Men get greedy for attention and will do whatever it takes to keep it/feel good.

After the first round of shenanigans with My Ex, I willingly got tangled up with another ex-type thing from November through March. We'll call him BackStabber or BS because he dated a friend of mine behind my back during her break up with a guy friend of mine - yeah, it's THAT complicated, but to forgive is divine. I don't regret my time with BS, but it eventually required an exit...again. Gory details aside, I ended up wearing my yoga pants for a jacket (I had been kept in the cold) and crying on Metro, while strangers tried to comfort me and I had no fucks to give. Made me think of the Subway Wars HIMYM episode. Moral of that story: Don't take anything to a guy's house that you can't stand to leave behind.

Of late, I'm back to picking up guys accidentally while playing sports: soccer and volleyball (come July) both with TWS. Unfortunately, I also picked up unwanted attention from guys I consider just friends, receiving such random gems as "I have a crazy idea, let's go take a bath :sticks out/wiggles tongue:" and "don't friend-zone me, I'm a slow-roller" :facepalm: The guys I like have mostly been too young, which is not like me at all. I know nothing real will come of any of it, and surprisingly, I'm okay with that. Moral of this (unfinished) story: Appreciate what you have with someone for what it is and for however long you have it.

Pfew...that was a long one (hehe TWSS).

~The DLS

The RN: The Makeup Experiment

So, a couple of weeks ago,  The Window Shopper and The Dirty Little Secret took me to buy some makeup. Then last weekend  The Window Shopper and I finally got around to the makeup lesson, after a crazy, fun, last-minute shopping spree. She showed me a couple basic ways to put on the makeup we bought. One for work and daytime, and one for clubs and nighttime. Then she made me put it on both ways to try it out. Most of the night I walked around looking something like this:

Only I think I had even more on the night half than the picture. Also, I learned pretty quickly that eyeliner and I are going to be fighting for a while, but I did commit to wearing makeup all week. Definitely can see part of why most girls take so long to get ready.

On Monday, putting on the makeup seemed to take forever, but I think I got the daytime look pretty close to what I did during the lesson. I'm not sure I know what I was expecting, but I know I wasn't expecting so many people to notice. It started as soon as I walked into work. The front desk guy asked if I got my eyebrows done. Seriously, who would have thought a guy would notice eyebrows?!?

At least 10 people commented on it on Monday. I think that means it's noticeable :(

Tuesday was a little smoother and it went on faster. A few more people noticed it and commented on it looking nice. Traitors. All of them. Wednesday was more of the same as Monday and Tuesday. I was beginning to think I was going to have to admit defeat.

And then a funny thing happen on Thursday. People started tweaking their comments a little bit. Instead of, "Wow, you look great." I started getting, "You know that makeup looks really nice, but you don't need to wear it." I must have heard that from 5 people on Thursday. Hm...

For the first 4 days, I avoided trying eyeliner. On the fifth day I wasn't supposed to have to go work (but I did have to go in anyway - damn job). So since I didn't go in until the afternoon, I decided to give eyeliner a try. It turned out okay, but I was still having issues getting it on straight. I guess I'll to keep practicing.

On Saturday, I got up at 5am and ran a 10 Miler race with The Window Shopper, The Dirty Little Secret, and The Slow Dancer. I clearly refused to wear makeup just to run a race. However, later in the afternoon The Pool Boy's Local Alumni Chapter was hosting a bar crawl, so I did some more practice with the eyeliner and managed to make my makeup look like his school colors. Which made The Dirty Little Secret a little jealous since she's an actual alumni as well and totally forgot to do school colors for her makeup. Counting that as a win :)

Then on Sunday afternoon The Window Shopper, The Dirty Little Secret, and I went out again - yeah we spend a lot of time together, deal with it. I decide since it was Sunday afternoon I could do whatever I wanted with my makeup and deliberately used stuff from the makeup bag that I hadn't used before. I'm not convinced the look worked, but whatever it was Sunday.

So after a week of wearing makeup I have come to the following conclusions: 1) that it involves a lot of face soap, 2) that it takes a lot of time, 3) that I really don't need it, 4) it has more impact when used infrequently, 5) there's no way I'm committing to doing this everyday, and 6) I'll wear it on days I'm in the mood, but I probably won't wear as much or wear it as often as some people would expect.

The RN: Catching Up - Jerry Maguire Style

Last we talked about dating I was seeing 3 guys: CT, BG, and Late Guy. We'll get to that in a minute. So according to The Window Shopper, The Dirty Little Secret, The Peach, The Slow Dancer, The Playboy, and possibly some other, non-blogging friends perhaps I was being a little bitchy, you know from like December to mid-March. At one point, The Peach said, "What the hell is wrong with you? You are way bitchier than normal!" Um, so, I was a little moody, perhaps not quite a stand-up-for-the-little-guy-all-inspiring-rampage a la Jerry Macguire, but still very noticeable to my friends. I'm currently chalking it up to needing more Vitamin D and a bad case of the winter blues.

CT and Late Guy largely missed this phase because, well CT was in CT and Late Guy was on a lot of business travel and was basically MIA. Don't get me wrong, I was annoyed at both of them, but since they weren't Johnny-on-the-Spot they missed the storm. Lucky them, apparently. BG wasn't quite so lucky and he became a casualty of the bitchiness.

He didn't really do anything wrong per se, but I was short tempered and cranky. Basically it boiled down to he was only getting it from me and I wasn't only getting it from him. Not only was I up front about not looking for anything serious, but I was also up front about me seeing other guys. Which he claimed he didn't have a problem with. However, I felt like I spent a lot of time soothing his ego. Which, frankly, got old really fast. If you can't handle it then fine, but don't pretend you can and then get all whiny - it's not attractive.

The last time we saw each other was ... in January. He kept pressuring me to see him, you know, because he wanted to get laid. I was working crazy hours, was exhausted, and in a generally bad mood. So, he wanted to come over one night and I didn't really want him to, but agreed to it anyway after he promised to bring me food. Hey, a girl's gotta eat. And then he kept petting me while I was trying to eat. Like. I. Was. A. Cat. Not kidding! My roommates have nicknamed him The Petter. It felt a little like this:

Only I think that cat is actually enjoying the petting. I wasn't. It was in the LIVING ROOM and my roommates were there and we were trying to watch a movie. Dear Lord! Also, I was exhausted and cranky. He was following me around quite a bit and sort surprise kissed me (did I mention tired and cranky?). Then of all the things to say after surprise kissing me, "Your mouth is spicy." No shit, Sherlock. I had Drunken Noodles for dinner, remember you brought it to me? (Also, seriously? Just kissing me after I had some kind-of-spicy food is too spicy for you? Really?!?!?) And then he tried to take care of me like I was a little kid, just because I was tired. That was the final straw - patience completely and totally lost. BG gets cut.

Yeah. I. Did. Done.

So, it's February, CT and Late Guy are both still managing to hang in there. And I started taking Vitamin D on a daily basis so my mood was getting better. I went on a ski trip to Snow Shoe - awesome place by the way. And after we got back, The Window Shopper and I went out for Valentine's Day in our annual tradition of seeing a non-romantic movie and getting some food. CT and Late Guy both managed to sneak through that holiday without messing up, although Late Guy came close.

That brings me to my dilemma with our so-called Late Guy. I think I'm pretty open minded and fair when comes to giving "you" a chance. I'm an engineer; I'm a nerd; I'm used to your ... eccentricities. For the most part. I didn't judge you by your pictures - remember I didn't look at them until after I read your profile. I really am trying to give you a fair shot, I promise. So, as Jerry Maguire would say, "Help me help you." Give me a chance to give you a chance.

Late Guy and I went on our first date in mid September. So technically we have been seeing each other for like 7 months. It hasn't gotten past kissing. "WHAT!?!?" you ask. Yeah, I KNOW. But here's the thing: he's awkward. Like really awkward. So, awkward my engineer friends are cringing at the stuff he does. First, it took him 5 dates to kiss me, that's a little slow. And there is this dichotomy to him. He seems very shy in person and then sends me crazy emails about fetishes and texts that are just weird.  Here's a smattering of texts I think are off. Now keep in mind in person we've only kissed:

• Rofl, well some night maybe I can warm you up.
• So I forgot today is steak and a bj day! (men's Valentines). But since we didn't [do] anything for lady v day, I'll not inquire for today haha
• So hey sexy, wanna go out next week?
• I'd certainly like to watch you try on clothes, or just take them off
• So, what would you like to do for our next date, besides have a lot of amazing sex?
• Hey sexy, what are you wearing for the fine weather
• I don't want to have sex with you, happy April's fools 8-p

Oh, and my favorite, he invited me to attend an out-of-town wedding with him. Like a 4-hours-out-of-town wedding. Like an overnight-stay-will-be-involved-out-of-town wedding. When I tried to politely decline via text a day later, his response was, "It's because I'm getting laid off huh?" Um, no, I had no idea you were getting laid off, great way to bring it up though. NOT!

So, even with these texts he hasn't been able to move passed kissing. I find that frustrating. Make a move or don't, but stop having guts only when we're not together. I feel like I'm in a ping pong match of intentions. I have no idea what to expect next. Mostly, I think he's about to get relegated to the "friend zone" because, while I like talking to him in general, this back and forth on the topic of making out is making me a little crazy.

I just want him to give me a chance to give him a chance. Stop meeting out places, I've had you drop me off. Pick me up more than once. When you drop me off, walk me to my door. I may be a 21st Century women, but don't make me feel like a slut. If you walk me to my door I might invite you in, but I'm not inviting you in from the car you haven't parked. That's too big of step, it makes me feel like you're not interested in taking the time on me. I'm not 17 anymore, making out in a car holds very little interest for me, especially if my bedroom is just over there. This is NOT happening:

If you want something to happen, get me into a situation where I can give you a chance without feeling like I have to convince you. Again, don't make me feel like a slut, I will just move on to someone who doesn't. Several guys have gotten way farther with me with what seems like a lot less effort - because I could say yes without feeling like I had to make the first move. Don't invite yourself into my bed, entice me into yours. Help me help you.

The DLS: Traveling Ghosts

Given some recent events and the Halloween season, I feel it's appropriate time to air this one.  Dirty Little Secret #4: We all have a past: ghosts & their subsequent baggage that haunt us. One of my favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother aka HIMYM, did a wonderful job a few seasons back of addressing how sometimes we're blind to the baggage we still carry. In fact, this very episode brought My Ex back to me one time, showing the power of HIMYM's silly but relatable message.

I tend to be pretty aware of my ghosts - I've had to travel a rough but ultimately rewarding emotional landscape through the years - but even I get surprised on occasion by the little bigger than you think things that linger long after their time. Over the last two years especially, stemming from second real break-up with My Ex, I've really worked to put a lot of my ghosts to bed.  But in that relationship, a new one popped up: the Specter of Silence (SS). Silence can be healing and helpful, but it can also be used as a manipulative weapon.  I experienced a lot of the latter.

A few weeks ago, I accidentally questioned VS's intentions in a roundabout way.  To be fair, I am a direct (to a fault) person and it can get me into hot water. I was shocked when I realized how much of that question came from my past and apologized/explained. VS put me face-to-face with a new one: Selectively Silent Specter (SSS).  At first I panicked - I felt slammed back into my past with ferocious intensity - but after some time and some good advice from friends, something changed. I let go of that crippling fear induced by the SSS and in doing so, VS and I actually began talking again.

I'm not saying I've completely banished my fear of silence as a weapon, but I realized I have power and a choice.  I can spend time being angry/fearful about what's wrong or I can accept and appreciate what's right. After all, men have past ghosts, too...

~The DLS

The RN: Not enough Time by a Half

Seeing as it's been a while since anyone has posted, I thought I'd give you all a quick non-dating related update. Several of us, about half, recently ran in a Half Marathon. So half of us have been busy training for a Half and haven't had a lot of extra time. Either for dating or for blogging.

Runner	Time
The Dirty Little Secret	1:58:21
The Peach1	2:11:34
The Window Shopper2	2:25:37
The Slow Dancer3	2:33:11
The Nurse	3:09:28

And if that wasn't enough, The Playboy and The Dirty Little Secret are relaying in another Half which The Window Shopper and I are running in next month. Hopefully, I can get my time under 3 hours before the next one. Yep, we are all pretty much crazy.

And some of us are crazier than normal. Here's a list of preexisting injuries that some people ran through:

1. The Peach ran with her foot broken in two places from the Tuesday before.
2. The Window Shopper ran with a sprained ankle from the weekend before.
3. The Slow Dancer ran with Runner's Knee in both knees.

And yet some how they all finished before I did. At least I'm only half crazy.

The DLS: Putting the Ass in Classless

Without much preface, Dirty Little Secret#3: I do NOT like assholes. Sure, maybe this doesn't seem like a legitimate secret, one could argue "who does?", and I would point to anyone associated with the Jersey Shore, where douche and asshole lines blur without excuse.  I have dated plenty of douches in my day, but not straight up assholes. Thanks to OKC, I recently had an up-close and personal (ok, still online...) encounter with one of the Grade A variety. 

After a LOOONNG but successful day herding cats at work I received the below:

Ok, so clearly this guy is embittered and rightly single at the ripe old age of 39. Just ignore him, right? Well, I might have agreed until The Nurse received this roughly a day later and shared it with The Window Shopper and me via group text:

"OMG!!! This is the guy who wrote me crap!" Now the old me would have completely eviscerated this chump with no compassion or remorse, but I've been growing the past few years, so I instead wrote this pointed gem:

Oh, and in case you're curious, I DID report him because, let's be honest, he deserves to be exposed for what he is: an asshole.

~The DLS

The DLS: Secrets, Secrets...

I have to admit, I quite like the idea of revealing "secrets" as my posts. We'll have to see as I continue how feasible (hello, engineer here, people) it is. 

As I admitted in my introduction, I'm inconsistent with, well, a lot of things, but in this case posts, thus, why it's been three weeks (whoops!). So bear with me if this is overly long. Dirty Little Secret #2: I believe in chances, often giving too many. Just ask me about My Ex - interestingly enough, he came back to me three weeks ago spouting some craziness to get...well :cough cough: ahem - but if you want to see me stay smiling vs. developing a perplexed/annoyed look, don't. Let the dead horse just stay unkicked, but broken, bloodied and...still dead.

Four weekends ago, a lot of the gang on here and I went on a trip to Dewey Beach, DE, full of typical DB goodness: sun & fun, orange/grapefruit crushes, Grotto Pizza, swasteyfaced time, and random people. Particular emphasis on  random people for me this time.

After a last-minute bar change decision, we went to go meet up with another close friend who had not come with us. This bit of randomness was enough to change my chances :wink, wink: for the night.  Upon getting to the bar, my red-headed bestie immediately got picked off for a free drink (yay!) and I went to find our group only to get nailed in the arm/boob by some guy who offered to buy me an apology drink (bigger yay!). This guy was not the winner for the night, though, next thing I know I'm getting passed off to another good-looking guy, a DE native, we'll call him: Viener (sic) Schnitzel a.k.a. VS to appease The Window Shopper.

Fast forward past lots of talking and a VERY interesting dance floor experience, VS wanted me to come back to his condo and tried to bribe me with waffles. Yeaaahhh no, our hotel was RIGHT. THERE. So I brought him back (nookie-free, as I'm a lady), I NEVER do this, thus Chance #1.

He gets my number in the morning and actually texts almost immediately. I had fully expected to close the hotel room door and never say a word after, so after a recovery brunch TWS, my red-headed bestie and I went to meet up with VS and his friend: Chance #2. By the end of the day, I didn't want to leave, I was probably already a little twitterpated then.

VS texts me for two weeks straight until we have a minor tiff over a not-funny joke - oh boy, don't get me started on textual relationship difficulties. We talked it over but things had shifted, making me unhappy/uneasy. After a draining weekend with my family back home, I had had enough of feeling like I did with the Dreaded Ex. I said "this isn't going to work...," I need more. The next day I realized I'm probably taking out some of my familial frustrations on him and apologize: Chance #3.

Days pass and he keeps blowing off texting, calling and planning to visit, like he'd offered multiple times. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE(!) I finally get fed up and said the invitation was going to be rescinded in 24 hours. VS leaves me hanging until the next morning when he drops his TIGTW bomb: it's the distance. My jaw and stomach drop to the floor and I respond, quite articulately at that, he says he wants to talk that night. Another call I had no idea if I would receive: he texted AND called. How should respond? My first thought was "eff off for messing with me," but he opens with this heart-felt story and it changes my track. We trade off discussing wants/needs/concerns, I basically say "I can't promise you a 'real' relationship (read: easy/in-the-same-city)...but I can promise to try." I tell him to sleep on it and take as much time as he needs to process: Chance #4. The next day he asked for my address...

Two days post-talk he shocked me by thanking me for "reigniting a spark" with my refreshingly, atypical female response. It's nearly impossible not to like someone who likes you for your personality enough to say so and reminds you that he's thinking of you even when he can't be there.

Maybe online dating isn't my thing, then again, maybe I should get back to it to hedge my bets - hint: I lose A LOT. Maybe, I finally got a chance...

~The DLS

Introducing: The Dirty Little Secret

Hi all! The DLS here and I am probably overdue on this, LE SIGH. Perhaps that's the first of my "dirty little secrets" to dish: I'm consistently inconsistent. If you like unpredictable, I'm your girl, and my experience with OKC and the persona quiz captures that sentiment perfectly.

I joined OKC almost 2.5 years ago, right before my last serious relationship, before a lot of heartbreak, tears, and growth. To be fair, I cannot say I have ever done it with any consistency (ha!) and in fact, I deactivated once, then came back to support a girlfriend only to ignore it for a year. So despite achieving online dating level "experienced", I'm a relative novice when it actually comes to moving forward from online to in-person. But I digress (another "secret"?)...

Apparently, I took the persona quiz way back when and was The Sonnet. Imagine my delightful surprise when upon retaking it recently I was dubbed "The Dirty Little Secret" or the "finger" of the dating world! Now on first thought, I not sure I'd want to be associated with an appendage, especially in a romantic/sexual sense, but "innocent but fundamentally sexual" just fit. Reading my description, I felt as if I was overhearing a best friend talking about me, uncomfortable at first, but then settled, like putting on your favorite tee and yoga pants to curl up on the couch after a long day.

I am not sure what I want out of this project - more aptly, what I want to admit I want - for now I'll say, I want love but I want my "freedom". My mate will ultimately have to get that. I do know this much: I am The DLS and proud of it.

Smooches,
The DLS

P.S. More secrets to come...

Introductions

Window Shopper here, President and staple hopeless romantic of the bunch. I'm here to introduce our Book Club...which isn't really a book club at all. You see, a couple of weeks ago, my friends and I were sitting around on a typical hungover Sunday after a typical night out in DC when someone had their OkCupid account open. I have never done online dating and said as recently as last month that I "never" would; honestly it didn't interest me and it is not the story I want. However, scrolling through my friends' accounts, everyone seemed to get a kick out of what I had to say about them all - grammatical errors and uni-brows included. Judgement-free judgement, so sue me. On my girlfriend's list of matches, a guy had this list of the "10 Most Terrible Chicks on OkCupid" and with all this adding up, I made the proclamation, that we all needed to sign up for dating accounts and start a bi-monthly "book club", wherein we sit around and talk about the most ridiculous thing to come out of OkCupid that week.

And so, apprehensive or already a member, we all typed away to join, reactivate or continue an online dating membership. Our first meeting was this past Sunday, wherein we realized that this may be as much about what's not out there, as it is about the weird ins and outs and women vs. men and do's and don't's and WTF's of dating.

We all single. And we're all here to tell you about it. We hope you'll we'll laugh and learn.

Magically, we ended up with five six girls and five guys (21 to 35) all of different "personalities", according to the OkCupid "Dating Persona Test" - which we all realized is terrifyingly accurate. Who knew flossing had anything to do with love?! These personas will be our handles as well as our introductions. Here we go:

The Sonnet (Female, 21, Straight, BS - New to Online Dating)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

The Maid of Honor (Female, 25, Straight, BS - Veteran Online Dater)

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch" and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

The Slow Dancer (Male, 27, Straight, BS - New to Online Dating)

Steady, reliable, and cradling tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer. 

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

The Boy Next Door (Male, 27, Straight, MS - New to Online Dating)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering back rubs to kids and what not.

The Dirty Little Secret (Female, 28, Straight, MS - Experienced Online Dater)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word "€œfinger"€. You are the Dirty Little Secret. 

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it's almost unheard of. So congratulations. You've had plenty of adventures, but you've remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you. 

You seek pleasure, but you're not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don't like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment. 

You enjoy making people happy, and it's inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You're not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

The Window Shopper (Female, 28, Straight, MA - New to Online Dating)

 

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. 

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

The Playboy (Male, 30, Gay, BA - Veteran)

Clean. Smooth. Successful. You're The Playboy.

You're spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too.

It's obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you're after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you're straight up with potential partners. And if a guy you want isn't into something casual, it's no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with him. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare.

If you're feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there's a possibility of rejection.

The Poolboy (Male, 32, Straight, MA - Veteran)

Friendly and eager. You are The Pool Boy.

A teen at heart, you anxiously move about your daily tasks, hoping, praying for a good, instant lay. You're carefree, enthusiastic, and rarely discouraged. Love is cool, but it's not for you right now. You know what is? Crotches.

You're a fun person in both big and small groups, and your friends trust and love you. Inside you, meanwhile, your lust is only growing. Imagine your beating heart sprouting pubic hair. Exactly. Try shaving that.

If you're not scoring enough - which you aren't - €”you should adopt new strategies. Lower your standards. Be aggressive. Pool Boys are often submissive and hope (desperately) sex will find them. Realize that passiveness will not hook the horny girls you desire. A bolder approach and sheer repetition will.

The Nurse (Female, 34, Straight, MS - New to Online Dating)

Friendly and eager. Sexy in white. You are The Nurse.

Like your male counterpart, The Poolboy, you're a fun and goofy, but giving, friend. You believe that life and love should be taken with a grain of salt. We'll bet you smile a lot, which people find contagious.

If only they knew the reason...the fact is, you spend WAY more time fantasizing than the average girl. While your friends lean desperately towards love, you're chemically biased towards anti-love: sex. You'd never date someone you didn't find immediately kissable.

To maximize satisfaction, you should find someone carefree and sexual, just like you. Avoid Brutal types at all costs. A final bit of advice: experience doesn't matter. You didn't qualify as a Master, and your perfect match need not either.

The Peach (Female, 34, Straight, MS - Veteran)

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a [guy] who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying [him].

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

The Gentleman (Male, 35, Straight, MA - Veteran)

Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman.

For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you're their man. You're sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you're experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you're classic "€œmarrying material," a prize in the eyes of many.

It's possible that behind it all, you're a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you're fundamentally sex-driven. You're a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you're like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time.

Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. She is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced.

Welcome to our blog. We don't know we're we'll end up - or who we'll end up with - but we're all starting at single.