(We don't know where we'll end up ... but we're all starting at single.)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Window Shopper here, President and staple hopeless romantic of the bunch. I'm here to introduce our Book Club...which isn't really a book club at all. You see, a couple of weeks ago, my friends and I were sitting around on a typical hungover Sunday after a typical night out in DC when someone had their OkCupid account open. I have never done online dating and said as recently as last month that I "never" would; honestly it didn't interest me and it is not the story I want. However, scrolling through my friends' accounts, everyone seemed to get a kick out of what I had to say about them all - grammatical errors and uni-brows included. Judgement-free judgement, so sue me. On my girlfriend's list of matches, a guy had this list of the "10 Most Terrible Chicks on OkCupid" and with all this adding up, I made the proclamation, that we all needed to sign up for dating accounts and start a bi-monthly "book club", wherein we sit around and talk about the most ridiculous thing to come out of OkCupid that week.

And so, apprehensive or already a member, we all typed away to join, reactivate or continue an online dating membership. Our first meeting was this past Sunday, wherein we realized that this may be as much about what's not out there, as it is about the weird ins and outs and women vs. men and do's and don't's and WTF's of dating.

We all single. And we're all here to tell you about it. We hope you'll we'll laugh and learn.

Magically, we ended up with five six girls and five guys (21 to 35) all of different "personalities", according to the OkCupid "Dating Persona Test" - which we all realized is terrifyingly accurate. Who knew flossing had anything to do with love?! These personas will be our handles as well as our introductions. Here we go:

The Sonnet (Female, 21, Straight, BS - New to Online Dating)
Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

The Maid of Honor (Female, 25, Straight, BS - Veteran Online Dater)
Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch" and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

The Slow Dancer (Male, 27, Straight, BS - New to Online Dating)
Steady, reliable, and cradling tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer. 
Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.
While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

The Boy Next Door (Male, 27, Straight, MS - New to Online Dating)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.
We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.
More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering back rubs to kids and what not.

The Dirty Little Secret (Female, 28, Straight, MS - Experienced Online Dater)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word "€œfinger"€. You are the Dirty Little Secret. 
Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it's almost unheard of. So congratulations. You've had plenty of adventures, but you've remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you. 
You seek pleasure, but you're not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don't like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment. 
You enjoy making people happy, and it's inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You're not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

The Window Shopper (Female, 28, Straight, MA - New to Online Dating)
Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. 
You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

The Playboy (Male, 30, Gay, BA - Veteran)
Clean. Smooth. Successful. You're The Playboy.

You're spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too.

It's obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you're after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you're straight up with potential partners. And if a guy you want isn't into something casual, it's no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with him. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare.

If you're feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there's a possibility of rejection.

The Poolboy (Male, 32, Straight, MA - Veteran)
Friendly and eager. You are The Pool Boy.

A teen at heart, you anxiously move about your daily tasks, hoping, praying for a good, instant lay. You're carefree, enthusiastic, and rarely discouraged. Love is cool, but it's not for you right now. You know what is? Crotches.

You're a fun person in both big and small groups, and your friends trust and love you. Inside you, meanwhile, your lust is only growing. Imagine your beating heart sprouting pubic hair. Exactly. Try shaving that.

If you're not scoring enough - which you aren't - €”you should adopt new strategies. Lower your standards. Be aggressive. Pool Boys are often submissive and hope (desperately) sex will find them. Realize that passiveness will not hook the horny girls you desire. A bolder approach and sheer repetition will.

The Nurse (Female, 34, Straight, MS - New to Online Dating)
Friendly and eager. Sexy in white. You are The Nurse.
Like your male counterpart, The Poolboy, you're a fun and goofy, but giving, friend. You believe that life and love should be taken with a grain of salt. We'll bet you smile a lot, which people find contagious.
If only they knew the reason...the fact is, you spend WAY more time fantasizing than the average girl. While your friends lean desperately towards love, you're chemically biased towards anti-love: sex. You'd never date someone you didn't find immediately kissable.
To maximize satisfaction, you should find someone carefree and sexual, just like you. Avoid Brutal types at all costs. A final bit of advice: experience doesn't matter. You didn't qualify as a Master, and your perfect match need not either.

The Peach (Female, 34, Straight, MS - Veteran)
Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.
For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a [guy] who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying [him].
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.
The Gentleman (Male, 35, Straight, MA - Veteran)
Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman.
For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you're their man. You're sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you're experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you're classic "€œmarrying material," a prize in the eyes of many.
It's possible that behind it all, you're a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you're fundamentally sex-driven. You're a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you're like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time.

Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. She is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced.

Welcome to our blog. We don't know we're we'll end up - or who we'll end up with - but we're all starting at single.

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