The RN: The Awkward "Friend"

I'm one of those girls who has a lot of guy friends. I'm an engineer; most engineers are guys. I spent a lot of time with guys, many of them are engineers. I'm used to awkward. I'm used to dealing with people who don't have any clue (remember Late Guy?). But I am starting to notice a ... disturbing? ... new category of awkward.

I repeat this is does NOT make me happy.

This new category of Awkward Friends is define by a guy who has been your friend for however long, and is totally fine or maybe a little to touchy-feely, stands a little too close, but in general is a "good" friend. Until he finds out you're no longer with your ex.

Then things begin to change, slowly at first, and then they progress to just awkward. I have two stand out examples. Many Some guys flirt with getting into this category but then notice the awkwardness and move back to friends. Thank goodness!

The first and more obvious (in so many ways) is one my friends from Grad School. We spent a bit of time hanging out together while I was at school. And we've kept in touch here and there over the years. He was always a bit on the creepy side ("You're one of 5 girls I'd consider marrying."), but taken in context it wasn't ever overbearing or much worse than the other crap awkward guys pull.

After I broke up with The Ex, he got creepy really fast. Here's some randomish things he's commented on my Facebook pictures:

• Rawr.
• Love the form fitting outfit. And the form it fits.
• More tongue, please. (To be fair I was sticking my out in this one.)
• Royal purple suits you.
• I'm going to run my fingers through those gorgeous locks the next time we meet.
• I am so glad you grew your hair out again. You know what I'm going to do with it the next time I see you, yes?
• This one prompted my mom to comment, "Ok, [guy], you're scaring me. Tell me you mean braids . . .!"
• Also, this is motivation to never see him in person again. And ... EEEEWWWWW!

So I pretty much stopped talking to him ... and mostly blocked him on Facebook, but you know since we used to be friends he still has all kinds of contact info for me. Blocking him entirely would create quite a bit of drama.

The other guy is an old, "manager type" friend from work about 8 years ago. He travels to near where I live now with some frequency and we used to meet up for dinner and chatting. I was on the "we are friends, we don't see each any more really let's grab dinner" page. Apparently he was not. About 2 years ago he decided it was okay to send me satin pajamas from Victoria's Secret as a Christmas present. Which I sent back with a short note:

"I cannot except this present. It is inappropriate in the context of our friendship."

Last week after working on keeping distance for almost 2 years, I agreed to have dinner with him again on Wednesday. Dinner wasn't bad, we caught up, and things seemed normal. So we went across the way to "get a beer" and things were still fine, but he started to get a little touchy-feely - nothing too bad. Most of it could be considered "gentlemanly".

And then he texted me on Thursday about going to lunch on Friday. Um, no. I barely have time to see my friends living here as it is. You don't get 2 times in one week. The Peach told me I was over reacting. I told her I probably was, but then I don't what I did to encourage the pajamas in the first place and I wanted to stay as far away from that as I possibly could. But agreed to let it go.

Then on Friday he started texting from the airport about some chick hitting on him there. And about how he decided to hide in the bathroom. And then HE KEPT TEXTING ME FROM THE BATHROOM and telling me about it. UGH! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS! So I stopped responding and he only sent like 6 more texts.

I guess we're back to the part about how I'm too nice to guys ...

The DLS: Hope Springs...A Trap

This morning while putting pen to paper for my own peace of mind - a thing I do to sort out the whirling dervish in my head - I curiously found myself writing a blog-like entry instead...I debated voicing these thoughts semi-publicly given their subject matter. Perhaps this is more human nature than a secret, but in some ways I am deeply private and it takes a certain courage to say: Dirty Little Secret #6: Sometimes I have pretty dark/deep/self-deprecating thoughts. Things so easy to think yet hard to say aloud for fear they might become real. The words of that voice in your head - let's call it Iago - that makes you doubt yourself...and others. Usually I am good at telling Iago to "fuck off," but sometimes I lose that battle and give in to all the "truths" it tells me.

I have been alone for a LOOONNNGGGG time, and (spoiler alert: until recently) I haven't met someone even slightly inspiring in the LOOOOOOONGEST time. Normally, this bothers me little or not at all, but every once in a while, I have some spark that triggers an internal meltdown, releasing all the unspeakable things. For one, I miss My Ex, or at least I miss the idea of us - the laughter, good plans, great sex. He was in some ways my greatest joy, yet the catalyst of some of my deepest sorrows - we don't work, we won't work. Yet, I haven't felt things like I did with him...probably ever since. I rarely meet people who make me look twice, and I KNOW when someone is special;.it's a palpable gut feeling, but that still doesn't mean things will work out. Men roll off me like water off a duck...

Recently a blip popped up on RADAR I thought was busted from the last crash and burn in my love/social life. I hardly noticed the blip, but then it was right in the center screen, blinking bright green, impossible to ignore. Outside factors and complications aside, the more I learned about him the more I wanted to ask and know. And the chemistry is/was off the charts - head spinning, can't think straight let alone at all, giddy "love" drunkenness - yet he hasn't really followed through...like most men I've encountered for the last couple years. And this spark, this ember, this hope I didn't want was brought to life to die, in all likelihood, before even being fully born.

It doesn't seem fair - I know, I know, life by default isn't, but still - I was fine on my own, this is always when guys pop up, and now I just can't help wonder "what if?" One can argue "If it's meant to be, it'll work out," and this is my overall philosophy - when I can push Iago aside - but it's hard to have one night, a glimpse and then nothing...well, a few text convos and likely empty promises, so next to nothing. I think of things I would have done differently - orgasm? yes, please; stay the night? absolutely. I wonder if he's just that busy, if I did something wrong or if there really IS something inherently wrong with me..."unlovable" whispers Iago.  A thought that haunts me from time to time, an Achilles heel of pain.

One of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, captures the essence perfectly: "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." Or in other words: Hope is a tease...a trap. Mainly because we need hope to be able to dare to risk all and do great things, to hang in when times are tough or we're stuck in life's doldrums. I know many of my single friends share similar frustrations and sentiments - The Window Shopper and I have discussed this in-depth on more than one occasion, in fact she wrote about it eloquently, yet briefly in her personal blog. The crazy, weird, maybe even obvious thing is, they're fabulous. WE'RE fabulous, flaws and all. We're single because we know it's worth waiting for our "lobsters." We're not waiting for someone(s) to complete us, we're learning to be whole ourselves first and hoping - there's that nasty word again - that we'll find someone(s) to join us on our grand adventures. Like romping around with complete abandon on a playground in near total darkness after dancing like a fool all night at the beach bar. I hope I never outgrow that lust for life...

Deep thoughts, 
By The DLS

The RN: Must be a Full Moon

"This month's full moon, which rises on Tuesday (Aug. 20), is not just a Blue Moon — it's also the Full Sturgeon Moon, the Full Red Moon, the Green Corn Moon and the Grain Moon."
   - The Huffington Post

My only thought when reading the post was, "Well at least I was right it being a full moon this week." Here is it only Wednesday and I have had three (yes three) guys message me about hooking up. Maybe I do need fewer hookups. I barely have time for the rest of my life without spending the night elsewhere during the week.

My horoscope had this to say this morning, "Any romantic involvements you currently have will have an intensity right now that can either be positive or negative." So it seems like at three of my involvements have intensified. The jury's still out on whether this a good thing or a bad one.

And just in case you were wondering, nope, haven't gone over to anyone's house. Although I'm tempted, this week is just a little too busy. So far ...

The RN: Turning the Page

So, we're right at one year since this whole crazy book club started. I think I am in a totally different place than I was when we started this. It seems like a year isn't very long to have changed from scared of dating to ... bored? with dating. From this:

To this:

In just one short year, I'm on a totally different page. I have to admit I am no longer scared of dating, but I do still seem to have an issue with being able to get out of the "relationship" when I want :(

Although my attitude has changed quite a bit, and I have moved on to a completely different page, I still think I might be bad at dating. I still have reservations about getting into things and I still worry too much about disappointing the guys when they want something different than I do. I think I might still have some issues to work through. Although I'm doing much better than I was last year.

This year the anniversary of breaking up with The Ex went by before I had even noticed. The Ex and I are actually still friends and were teasing each other about it:

The RN: Hey! Why didn't you text me Happy Birthday [the other day]?
The Ex: Happy belated anniversary
And Birthday
The RN: Lol, okay you're forgiven.
...
The RN: But only because that was an AWESOME response.
The first one.

Incase you were wondering our anniversary and my birthday were one day apart. This year I wasn't upset about how long we had been broken up, I wan't upset it would have been 15 years, and I wasn't upset by turning 35 (dang still sounds old).

So ... Gems started talking to me again this week. So far nothing major just some chit chat, but I have decided, while I don't mind talking to him, I'm not "going out" with him again. Or whatever the hell it is we were doing where he thought he should get laid, but wouldn't call it a date.

I am coming to a place where I'm ready to turn the page on dating. I'm not ready for anything serious, but I think I'm also done with the hook-up stage. Not that I'm ditching my current hook-ups, but I think I'm looking for something more than: "Hey, whatcha up to tonight?"

A year later and I'm still ... starting at single.

The RN: A Conundrum?

This month has been really busy for me, but not for me dating. Mostly what made it busy was me going on vacation and meeting my sister and a college friend for about week. For a self-proclaimed city girl, I do enjoy the "country" apparently. Well I like it a lot more now that my cell gets a little bit of a signal while I'm out there. The mountains of Colorado are amazing and I never regret it when I make it out there. I guess I might be starting to get a little home sick for the West.

And now for the dating talk.

The weekend before I left, I met CT at the beach for a nice night since he had an ocean-front hotel room for the night. He's definitely the guy I have been "seeing" the longest. Here's the thing about CT: I know exactly where I stand with him. We see each other when one of us is in the mood, there's no unknown expectations, and I don't have to argue with him about using condoms. It's refreshing. He's fucking seeing other people, I'm fucking seeing other people, and we're both okay with it. There's no weirdness, there's no pressure, we don't have to talk to each other all the time, and we're not bringing our hearts to the table. This is what I want, just more of them so I don't get too attached, like this:

Don't laugh I've met at least one of these girls. They are CREEPY! And I don't want to be one. EVER!

So I thought Gems might become one of these; however, he seems to be lining up to be more like Baseball Guy. You remember him, right? Overly demanding on my time, a little to the creepy side, and just generally annoying. Yeah, that one. Gems is more and more like him - only Gems doesn't want to use to condoms on top of it all. At least condoms weren't an issue with Baseball Guy. Today's (which is a Monday in case you wondering and don't want to figure it out) conversation with Gems went something like this:

Gems: Hey

The Rn: Hey

How was your weekend?

<... boring stuff ...>

Gems: So what does your week look like?

The RN: Gym tonight with The Dirty Little Secret

Chiropractor on Tuesday

Swimming with The Slow Dancer on Wednesday
Dinner with The Peach on Thursday
And my bro-in-law gets to town again on Friday morning
Gems: And your bro-in-law is here all weekend?
The RN: Yep
Gems closes the chat window.

So I think he might be a little mad at me. My only thought was ... so what? He was is a pain in the ass. Kind of like this:

Sartre: "Hell is other people."

I'm basically thinking, does this mean I don't have to cut him? I do a little happy dance, then realize this probably isn't the end. Pout :(

So, the Conundrum. Let's start with how to ask the question without sounding like a bitch conceded. Hm, maybe I'll just ask it. I've already said I'm not a knock out, but I don't really have any trouble finding people who want to sleep with me, so why would I put in a ton effort to keep one around who is annoying the crap out of me?

I keep coming back to: maybe The Window Shopper is right - I am just too nice to guys. Gems is the first guy where I have no qualms about possibly hurting his feelings. After the crap with not responding to my text for 7 hours and then getting pissy about me missing the BBQ, I really just don't care. Which probably evidence enough I should stop talking to him.

Especially when you meet him in a bar.

The RN: R E S P E C T

I want to talk about respect in a "relationship". Okay, so maybe relationship is too strong of a word for the dating that I have been doing.

First there should be some. Gems has been getting my nerves lately and I feel a little disrespected.

I'm not asking for that much. At least I don't think I am. Okay, so we clearly not in an actual relationship (which is fine with me). But then you ask me to dinner and you pay, and then you pay for drinks afterwards. Where you tell me that this not a date, but then you try to get to me to go back to your place. That basically sounds exactly like a date to me. We went out some where, you paid, and you want to get ... intimate. I'm pretty sure if the possibility of sex is on the table it counts as a date. Unless we're friend with benefits, which we aren't. Even hookups where you go to dinner first count as dates in my book.

This leaves me in a place where I have no idea where I stand. If you admit that we're dating then I'm okay, but if we're not dating, then WTF are we doing? Because you are clearly trying to get me into bed, so we're not just friends. So, friends with benefits? But we're not really friends yet either so FWB seems like it's not quite right. Yeah, no idea where I stand other than you want to sleep with me.

So, Gems sort of invited me to BBQ at the pool at his apartment complex a couple of weekends ago. Only all he said was, "a bunch of us are getting together on Saturday you should stop by." So, I went running on Saturday morning like I normally do. I had a great run and then after my shower, the day went down hill. I texted Gems to start a quick convo so I could see when the BBQ was and I put on a bikini after my shower:

Then while I was waiting to see when the BBQ was, my ex started texting and then I had to call him about the house. It's a whole thing - I don't really want to talk about it. My ex and I get along pretty well actually, but we're still exes and I didn't really want to spend 2 hours of my Saturday talking to him while I was theoretically supposed to be at a pool party. Gems, meanwhile, had not texted back. It took Gems over 7 hours to finally respond...

So, I realize that I sent a chit-chatty text, but it was relevant to the last he text sent me. All I wanted was a response to let me know that he was paying attention. Seriously, one word would have been enough. My real concern was if he couldn't take two seconds to respond to my "how was the bar last night?" text, then how was I going to get into the party? Just show up at his complex and hope I find the pool and then find his group? That's not my style, but between the lack of response and the call with the ex hitting me a little hard - it put me in a funk.

I mean who invites someone to a party and then doesn't follow through? So, after I realized I wasn't going to the party, I had to take off my bikini :(

Then I did what any self respecting girl would do: I put on a dress that may have been a little too short, looked great on me, and I went out with my roommate, The PoolBoy. He ditched the crowd he had run into at the bar crawl and I talked him into meeting me at a bar near our place and still on his crawl so he could still get his bar crawl deal. I accidentally warned off the first guy in the bar to hit on me. Yes, someone actually approached me in a bar and I messed it up. Did you miss the post about me not being good at this? I thought he said "friend", but then later I realized he'd said "boyfriend". Oh well.

The PoolBoy and I met up with some other friends and headed over to a Karaoke bar down the street. Then several hours later, Gems finally text me back. I was a little drunk and a little pissed, but I managed to not be a total bitch. But all the same I felt pretty disrespected.

On the topic of respect, let's talk about condoms. Every time someone asks to not use them or assumes that it's fine because "we both have good jobs" or whatever other excuse, I also feel disrespected. Especially if you don't ask me anything about birth control or diseases. How do you know if I'm on birth control? What if I do have an STD? What if you have an STD? You didn't even try to ask. I'm dating a bunch of guys right now. I assume you're dating other girls. Don't treat me like a slut, just because I said yes doesn't mean you don't have to treat me with respect.

Until we are in an exclusive, long-term relationship you need to use a condom! To assume otherwise is dangerous. What if I am a slut that's trying to trap you into getting me pregnant? You don't know me that well. I'm not saying I jump right into sex, but I'm not waiting that long either.

The RN: The Chaos of Life

So, June turned out to be a busy month. I have been running around like a crazy most of the month. It started with my laptop taking a fantastic spiral of doom into destruction. It died piece by piece over the course of about 10 days, until it ended like this:

Which, some what surprisingly, still sort of works, but really doesn't display anything so that makes it a bit hard to use. I guess 5 years is a long life for laptop and the hinges etc. start to give out. Anyway, just as I about to head to Apple to buy a new one, someone reminded me Apple's Worldwide Developers Conference was taking place the next week. Damn it! Clearly I had to wait to see if they would announce a new Air, which they did. Then I had to wait some more for it become available, because what else would have been point of waiting? And may I just say, the new Gen 4 is WAY better than the destructed Gen 1, even before it started going all wonky.

Maybe you forgot, but I'm a huge nerd. I cannot even begin to tell you how not having a laptop for two weeks effected me. I have not been laptop-less since 1999. It was so painful. I have to stop talking about it now, or I'll get all upset again.

So, moving on to happier topics ... or not. The next craziness in June, was my last grandparent passed away. Which is sad, but we weren't close and grandpa was almost 99 when he passed. He'd had a long and happy life. We can add flying halfway across the country to a funeral to the list of crap I had to deal with in June. I did get to see a few cousins that I hadn't seen in over a decade, so there were a few good parts to the trip. Also, I was disappointed to learn that non 24x7 Taco Bells exist. Yes, I'm officially a city girl (sorry Dad, deal with it).

Right now I'm mostly trying to catch up with my life again. I feel about 5 weeks behind. So that's what I've been up to this month. Oh wait, this is supposed to be a blog about dating. Yeah, I didn't really do a lot of dating this month. Mostly hung out with my friends, although I did learn getting literally swept off your feet can be ... less than romantic. While an amusing show of strength, might be better done when everyone's not drunk and I'm not wearing a short skirt. Although most of the passersby on the street seemed to find it amusing. At least I wearing boy-shorts underwear.