Introducing: The Playboy

Hello world. I'm a brother, guncle, GBF, bestie, and most recently have been dubbed "The Playboy". I must say "The Playboy" seems kind of fitting given that I'm the only gay male of the group. I don't know if I would consider myself a playboy these days, but if you knew me 10-12 year ago, I was definitely living the life of a twenty-something gay playboy.

Now for some back story...I was born on the west coast (too young to remember). I spent my adolescent and young adult years in South Carolina with a few stops in North Carolina and Georgia during my pre-pubescent years. I spent my pre-high school years as the "teacher's pet" and the "cool white boy nerd" that everybody liked. I was fortunate to not be that nerd that everyone picked on. I had an afro and spectacles which I ditched the first chance I got freshman year. Freshman year was also the year that I gained resounding popularity through sports, ROTC, and numerous other student organizations. Insert long list of pre-baccalaureate accomplishments. 

A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. If you must know his name was Dean and we had gone to school together since 5th grade. It wasn't until high school that I began to realize that there were certain "feelings" there, although, I did not know what the were at the time. He was a football player and ironically enough, I was a cheerleader. Every girl wanted to date him and every guy wanted to be him. One summer day during cheerleading practice, he ran into our practice session - shirt off and dripping with sweat. Even though I spent all four years of high school dating girls, breaking hearts, stealing girls from their boyfriends, etc.; that will always be the moment I knew I was gay.

College was a time of exploration, experimentation, random hookups, and the occasional threesome. During my freshman year I struggled with my identity. Online chat was a great way to connect with others like myself and "test the waters". I came out to my family and friends during my Sophomore year and the rest is history. I joined the local LGBT group on campus to meet friends and my social life took off. I also became a Resident Advisor in hopes that I would make a difference by mentoring others like myself who aspired to do great things academically.

Coming out was not as hard as most people think it to be given that I grew up in the south. I kind of lucked out in the family department. They are my biggest supporters and encourage me to be the best me I can be. My mother and sister of course replied, "Duh...it's about time." I always felt comfortable introducing my boyfriends to the family. I know for most of you that's a huge step, but for me it's more of formality. My family is an integral part of my life and I need to know that potential husbands can charm their socks off!

Dating in a large,transient city like DC is intimidating. Add in the fact that I'm a gay male and it's like hormone overload. Everyone wants to have fun and not be tied down. Don't get me wrong, I like to act on my urges. However, there comes a point when it all gets old. I've slept with people not knowing their name. I've danced and drank until my heart's content. I went to Southern Decadence in New Orleans, twice. For those of you who don't know, Southern Decadence is basically a gay Mardi Gras combined with every white party, red party, or any other circuit party you can think of. It's 3 days of alcohol, dancing, casual sex, and debauchery. I threw in some touristy things as well! Nowadays it's all about connecting with people and hopefully meeting someone that is worthy of spending and sharing my life with.

My last few relationships took a devastating toll on my life. In the last 4 years, I've attempted suicide 3 times with the latest attempt landing me in the hospital and subsequently the psychiatric ward. Like a lot of you, I suffer from a lack of self-esteem. For me, hearing the words, "you did nothing wrong," is gut-wrenching. I couldn't see how someone could say that I did nothing wrong and leave you without an explanation. I've spent every month since then successfully focusing on my career, education, friendships, family, happiness, developing plans for my future, and learning how to take things as they come. I'm finally in a that place where when I meet the ideal partner will seamlessly fit into my life and I, his.

A Weird Thing Happened

Okay guys, so a weird thing happened.

Yesterday date one, henceforth known as RH, sent me a text. Later in the day I texted him back and he called me - using some excuse as to why, yet keeping it brief. I believe within the exchange he called me "babe" and definitely within the exchange set up another date. Okay, fine.

But here's the weird part. I signed onto OkC today and found that he had looked at my profile again mid-afternoon yesterday. I only know this because his name was listed in my "recent visitors", but not his face. Why not his face? Because apparently he deleted his profile. What. the. fuck.

Now I am over-analyzing that OkC has served its purpose for him as bait and here I am a helpless hapless fish out of water (man, that line would be so much better if we used Plenty of Fish). And having only discovered this deletion after I agreed to see him again next week, I am afraid I'm going to end up disappeared. I don't want to disappear.

So it begs the question: How common is it for someone you meet to hide or deactivate their account after meeting you? Just coincidence? Should I be afraid? Or am I oh-so-clearly over-reacting? (Cause that's weird, right?)

Guys. Guys! LISTEN. If you can't find me after next week, you know who took me. Please come find me.

xoxo, The Window Shopper

Introducing: The Pool Boy

Hi There,

I am the pool boy, but I am also well seasoned so I am also the wizard. This game of online dating is a trip isn't it? If there is one constant in this adventure, it is that nothing stays the same. We change as we meet and venture new emotions with new people, and everyone else is doing the same thing. We are victims and opportunists of our past and we are all wondering what the future will bring.  If you are starting at single, I invite you to join the rest of us, and take a shot at this online dating thing. To hell with opinions, to hell with stereotypes, and to hell with waiting for what you want to come to you. I cordially invite you to live life on purpose and go out there and find what you want.

This is my introduction so I will not delve too deep in this go around. As the pool boy, I am a tentative dater. As my description says, I let the opportunities come to me, I value what others think, and I play by the rules. If I tried harder, maybe I would find what I am really looking for, but for some reason the motivation never comes. As for online dating, I know what I am doing and I rely on my high level of empathy to tell me what is going on in these online dating situations. I will share what has worked, and what hasn't. I will tell you how I have failed miserably, and how I have shown promise. I cannot tell you how I have succeeded because I too am starting at single.

In 2005 I was living in Minneapolis, and I was on match.com in its infancy. The interface was not too good, and the photo limit was like 3, and the file size was like 60K. Needless to say, what you saw in the pictures was not really what showed up to meet you. I was at a happy hour with a bunch of colleagues at an Irish Pub called The Local. This girl showed up, and all kidding and shallowness aside, she was a far better fit for an offensive lineman than I was. I was shocked, because that was not what her profile showed at all. As I play by the rules, I excused myself from my wide-eyed set of colleagues and offered her a drink. I told her that it was nice of  her to meet me, but that I was not interested. She left with her friends and that was the last I ever saw of her.

My first and foremost point is, you can be no one other than yourself. No one else in the universe was picked to be you, but you. So be you, and stand proud. Sure, we all have things we want to work on, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But if there is one thing I have learned over the years, its that you truly have no idea what you really want. You have to experience to know it. An online profile exists merely to allow one to decide if who and what they are viewing possesses traits that are a deal breaker or not. So when you write your profile, be yourself. Only the true you will be able to insight true passion in anyone else, and only you will be able to reach a state where you are satisfied by what you have found in someone else. Everything else may create something that lasts awhile, but it will not sustain you for life. Trust yourself, whether or not you can put it into words, you know what you want.

More to come my friends. Stay tuned, and welcome  to Starting at Single.

PoolBoyWizard

Introducing: The Sonnet

Hello!
Sonnet here. As defined by my name I am kind of a bitch who has way too high of standards for men. Sorry I'm not sorry. Why shouldn't I have high standards? I'm not trying to go out with some creature or douche bag. I thought the guys on online dating would be different. I don't know why? Maybe because they are on the site for a purpose. The question is what is that purpose. Considering I originally joined to laugh at random guys and potentially get a free dinner or two, my logic might not have been the best. I am pretty doubtful about these online guys. Are they really any different than that douche bag guy at the bar who wants to take me home to his bed (if I am lucky enough to make it there :-/)? I am approaching this entire process apprehensively, but none the less open.

My OKCupid experience so far has been interesting. I have received numerous messages ranging from "hey sweetie" to long, drawn out messages opening with a really bad joke. I particularly enjoy the old men who write messages or the young guys who just look like they are old men.

A few messages that I particularly enjoyed: 

1. "You are beautiful. I bet you hear that a lot. If not they are assholes." - um okay no you are an asshole. What does this guy expect me to say back?

2. "I see that you like food. I love to cook. I will make you a delicious array of wild animals to show you how 'wild' I am about you" - Bahahahahahaha for real?

3. "Hi, I was looking at your profile when my roommate walked in. She said if I didnt message you she would. I'm pretty sure she's into guys so It was probably an empty threat. But my mom typically has good advice so I thought I would say hi." - Oh my GOD

I am (of course because I am a Sonnet blah blah blah) being very selective about which (if any) messages I respond to. At first I was getting really pissed off at these guys messaging me. I only responded to one person and that was only because he asked me a question related to golf and I felt obligated to help the guy out. Recently my experience has improved. I actually found a guy who seems pretty amazing - I am questioning if he is actually real or if he's fake. I'll see how it goes and of course I will keep you posted =)

So ... my realization from my first month on OKCupid is that online dating really isn't much different then regular dating. The only plus is I don't have to physically run and hide to get away from these guys. I assume there are at least a few normal people out there or maybe not and I am delusional in my own world. Either way I will see what type of excitement month two brings. Cross your fingers it's not a disaster.

Sonnet out.

Shopping. But First, An Explanation.

Week 2 has passed. And it's been an accumulating-ly interesting experience. I'll tell you all about it, including - shockingly - my first (online) date, but first: an explanation.

The Window Shopper persona does describe me well. I am a hopeless romantic and I do believe in fate. I think that the universe will send you on your way and into love when it is ready - not when you are - and thus, online dating might just be a lesson in futility for those who take it too seriously. That might seem cynical to some, but it is simply my personal belief that we are all Fate's bitches. And when the time is right, *he will find me and no amount of looking will take me to him. *He, of course, being my "soul mate". (Yes, I believe in that too.)

With that said, I have made my way to love - or rather the Universe has sent it to me - three times in my life. I was 17 the first time I fell in love: It was fast and ferocious and ended in absolute heartbreak in mere months, when he went back to his ex (who he described to me as psycho) and proposed her four months later. (They divorced after a few years.) About eight months later, I began to date the next man I loved. We dated for nearly three years - till it ended with my total devastation...continued on a bit later (if you know what I mean) and ended when I was the devastator. About a year after our official break up I started to date the man I now refer to as The Ex. We were together for five years; we lived together for three. (Six months of which we were broken up: I do not suggest this scenario.)

I think it is safe to surmise that I am, in fact, in love with love.

Love became a habit I had to break. I made a conscious decision that the time after The Ex would be spent alone, dating and gathering all these stories and experiences of which to share with my eventual children. In that time, I have never online dated - not because I judge it, per say - because I don't believe that it is the story that I want to have. What if oops! I did find my mate online - because the Universe is also a silly bitch, along with being controlling and stubborn - and then what a story that wouldn't be. So, then, I find it surprising that I went on my first online date last night.

Two months ago I told my mother that I would never online date and if she found me doing so to shoot me (or something just as melodramatic and if it happened, I would be 35 and seeking a sperm). Then, a month ago, when we decided to do the "Book Club", I declared on my (personal) blog "I have no intentions on going on any dates" and was simply there to watch from the observation deck of dating. So I find it strange that after a little over a week online, I agreed to a date. And after two weeks online, I went on the date. And, even more surprisingly, on the heels of week three, I actually enjoyed the date. It started with apple pie and hot toddies (I wasn't feeling well, but don't like to break commitments) and ended with a kiss. A good one. Go figure.

I'm supposed to have another first date next week. And I begin to wonder how a person who takes love so seriously, can actually like a guy and just keep moving (or date more than one). Maybe I can't: A quagmire indeed.

Nursing: the First Two Weeks

The first couple of weeks of online dating have been pretty interesting. I am a nerd and freely admit so on my profile. Apparently, some guys on OKC have no idea what to talk about when speaking with girls. As a female engineer I thought I had been exposed to guys who can't interact with girls, and believe me I have. However, it's been quite a while since I was on the "girl" end of the equation. I'm usually the engineer they can ask about those mythical, magical creatures called girls.

Here are some of things I have heard or been accused of since I joined:

• I must be a fake profile, "I am interested and I do have a pic but because of the number of fakes, I have to make sure. Let me know if you are real and I will send you a pic."
• Uh, thanks? I guess? I never did get to see a pic - not that I asked.
• Another take on the fake profile, "Yeah, this cannot be a real profile. You must be some 400 lbs. dude living in his mom's basement and laughing his ass off at all the responses you are getting."
• Giving this guy a chance because he's pretty funny.
• I've had a long conversation about the Oxford Comma.
• No seriously that was his opening line (eye rolling).
• I've been given numbered lists of questions to answer.
• Seriously, I hate essays please don't make talking to you into a chore.
• One guy said all he knew about Computer Science was "... that department always smells like a men's locker room."
• Um, really? That is supposed to make me want to talk to you? Did you just miss the part where I said I studied CS in school? So ... you think I smell like a men's locker room?
• And one of my favorites: "P.S. I wouldn't have used so many parenthetical comments, but this thing doesn't allow footnotes."
• Wait, you need footnotes to introduce yourself? Also, there were triply nested parenthesis ... ugh!
• Also, I've been challenged on my nerdiness, "You say you're nerdy, but you don't look or seem nerdy. Let's hear what nerd qualities you have before I hand out the nerd goddess title :)"
• Wait, did you actually read my profile? People are more likely to stop a conversation to inject how nerdy I am, and this guy wants me to "prove" that I'm nerdy? Let me just find my nerd card ... I think it's in here some where ... oh yes it was hiding between Star Trek and Big Bang Theory.

I'm not convinced this is going to work out any better than other attempts at dating, but at least there is an entertainment factor. At least I don't have to worry about offending these guys when I start laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

Introducing: The Dirty Little Secret

Hi all! The DLS here and I am probably overdue on this, LE SIGH. Perhaps that's the first of my "dirty little secrets" to dish: I'm consistently inconsistent. If you like unpredictable, I'm your girl, and my experience with OKC and the persona quiz captures that sentiment perfectly.

I joined OKC almost 2.5 years ago, right before my last serious relationship, before a lot of heartbreak, tears, and growth. To be fair, I cannot say I have ever done it with any consistency (ha!) and in fact, I deactivated once, then came back to support a girlfriend only to ignore it for a year. So despite achieving online dating level "experienced", I'm a relative novice when it actually comes to moving forward from online to in-person. But I digress (another "secret"?)...

Apparently, I took the persona quiz way back when and was The Sonnet. Imagine my delightful surprise when upon retaking it recently I was dubbed "The Dirty Little Secret" or the "finger" of the dating world! Now on first thought, I not sure I'd want to be associated with an appendage, especially in a romantic/sexual sense, but "innocent but fundamentally sexual" just fit. Reading my description, I felt as if I was overhearing a best friend talking about me, uncomfortable at first, but then settled, like putting on your favorite tee and yoga pants to curl up on the couch after a long day.

I am not sure what I want out of this project - more aptly, what I want to admit I want - for now I'll say, I want love but I want my "freedom". My mate will ultimately have to get that. I do know this much: I am The DLS and proud of it.

Smooches,
The DLS

P.S. More secrets to come...