The RN: Random Thoughts

 This is another one of those posts I started forever ago and couldn't quite form into an actual blog entry. I feel like these people actually get it. They have a positive message about what's going on, or they're catching the clue.

I have always hated that being a woman in very male-dominated field makes people believe I should be into man bashing. That is not all true. I don't condone misandry any more than I condone misogyny.

It's not about what she was wearing.

It's not about what he thinks he's entitled.

It's about her choice.

My belief is that women have been naturally selected to choose high status men based on their behavior first, and then their looks and accomplishments second — as looks and accomplishments tend be products of high status behavior, not the other way around. This high status behavior is a man who is comfortable with his vulnerability, who isn't afraid to express who he is, warts and all, to the world. This plays out in multiple arenas — in the life decisions he makes (Part III), the extent of his courage (Part IV) and the way he communicates to others (Part V).

- Mark Manson

The RN: I am NOT a Toy

I am a person. I have feelings. I have an opinion on almost everything (even if it's apathy). I mostly certainly have an opinion about how I spend my time and what I do with my body.

I have been doing some serious thinking lately (thanks to therapy). I realized many people have stopped asking me to do things. They are assuming I'll do them. There is an ongoing pervasive belief that I don't have plans already. Dear everyone, you are wrong. I do have plans. They may or may not involve you. I do not owe you my schedule. If I have plans and don't tell you about them, that's normal not an affront to you or our relationship. It's my time. I get to decide if I spend it with you or someone else. Your assumption I don't have plans is actually offensive to me.

I don't have to ask you if I want to go do something. I don't need your permission. We don't have that kind of relationship. If you are under the impression we do have that kind of relationship you are mistaken. You do not own my time. I own my time and I can do whatever I want with it. Including not spending it with you. Especially if we just met, but even if you are my best friend. If I want to spend my Saturday night doing laundry and paying bills, then I get to. It's not my job to keep you entertained. This is same attitude street harassers and cat callers display:

It was never about how it makes women feel. It was always about how it makes men feel.

Look, I get it. Commutes can be boring. Cities can be lonely. The desire to go back to some fictional idealized 1950s small town where everyone knows each other and makes small talk all day long can be strong for some people.

However, if you’re an adult, it is your responsibility to entertain yourself and manage your own emotions — hopefully with help from friends and family. It is not the responsibility of random women you do not know to entertain you or smile at you on command.

- Why Dudes Don't Greet Dudes

You aren't entitled to my time, and you certainly aren't entitled to my body. I mean this in a very broad sense and a very personal one. In a broad sense, this means you (both you a person and you society) can't tell me what to do with my body. Whether that means not telling me what to wear or not telling me I should want to have kids. I have already talked about how I don't want kids here and here.

In more personal way, you don't have the right to my body. You aren't entitled to touch me without my permission. Did I invite you to touch my thigh while complimenting my dress? Did I invite you to escort me by putting your hand on my back? Did I invite you to touch me while I slept? No? Then back the fuck off!

I don't think guys understand what it does to us when they touch us without permission. Just because we aren't yelling and screaming at you doesn't mean we are okay with what is happening. If we respect you, we will probably have a conversation about it. But we probably won't really tell you how uncomfortable it made us, because that would just make us more uncomfortable. Your lack of understanding doesn't make it any more okay. It makes me think of the woman in Crash, who got felt up by the cop and then he was genuinely surprised when she shied away from him later when he was actually trying to help. I find it truly sad he is shown as the nice guy who went wrong. Nope. He's an asshole. And encouraging this behavior is damaging to women. This picture series is a little over the top, but not wrong.

I am not a toy. You don't get to play with me when it suits you. I am me. I get to decide about me (hm, this seems to a recurring theme).

The RN: Let Me Be Blunt

Defining women by their ability to reproduce is rude and misogynist.

When you tell me I am only worth my ability to reproduce, it's merely a fancy way of saying you only want me around so you can fuck me. Oh you don't think that's what you're saying? How exactly am I going to get pregnant? Someone is going to have to fuck me for me to get pregnant. Stop hiding behind your sanctimonious bullshit and realize what you're saying!

The RN: I'm Disinclined to Acquiesce

Happy Fucking New Year!

My New Year's Eve might have gotten started off on the wrong foot.

Long story short: my old company is likely paying me a bonus for a patent I helped author while worked there which didn't get awarded until this past summer. The company may have some other employees involved in the process which made what should have taken maybe 3 or 4 years actually take 9 years, almost to the day.

So, of course, Pajama Guy, remember him?, just has to be the one person still at the old company and driving them to pay the rest of us our bonuses. According to him everyone but me has already gotten their bonuses. Somehow my bonus got all messed up making this yet another situation Pajama Guy is now using to force me to talk to him. He has a habit of calling but not leaving voice mails and texting me to call him until I either call him back or answer my phone. And he won't give me all the information unless I actually talk to him on the phone.

This has been going for quite a while now. When he found out the patent had been awarded he called me. Twice. In the middle of my nephew's family birthday dinner. Which I didn't answer because I was in the middle of fucking family birthday dinner and that shit is rude! Then he started texting me to call ASAP. So I looked at my sister and nephew and excused myself to go call him. Because I knew the patent was hanging out there and there might actually be something I need to do before some government deadline to help us get the patent. Nope, nothing time sensitive, nothing I actually had to do, just him forcing me to call him.

Really not amused by the forced phone calls.

I get it. It's exciting; we had just won a patent. But maybe that doesn't require me to talk to you this instant. Maybe you could have just sent me an email or text actually fucking telling me what is going on instead of forcing me to call you. Maybe I wasn't answering my phone because I was fucking doing something important. In fact, I consider my nephew's family birthday dinner more important than having a patent awarded. So I stepped aside and called him. When he answered I stated, "You have 30 seconds. I am at my nephew's birthday dinner." Aka, I have a fucking life that actually doesn't involve catering to your every fucking whim.

Here's the thing - he's not entitled to my time. He doesn't get to choose if and when I talk to him. Okay, so maybe I'm still working on this part. But he's trying to control it. Just the other week he was playing the "call but don't leave voice mail" game. I finally answered because I was near my phone (usually not a given during the work day) and I was sick of playing his games. I was tired. I was at work. I really didn't want to talk him at all, but possible bonus check. So I was less than enthusiastic when I answered the phone. This, apparently, wasn't good enough for him. The first thing he said was, "What's wrong?" What's wrong?!? You're calling in the middle of the fucking work day when you know I'm not near my phone and expecting me to be ... what? Happy? Did he really think I was going to answer the phone with "Hey, Pajama Guy, I haven't been happy to hear from you for years now, but I changed my mind. Let's fuck tonight!" Not fucking likely! My response was, "I'm at work. What do you want?" Then he asked if I wanted him to call back later in the day. NO!

All of it! All of the NO!

I don't want you to be calling right now. I definitely don't want to talk to you more than once in a day. Just ask or tell me whatever the hell you think you need to say so I can get off the damn phone and get back to work. Ain't nobody got time for this. It turned out he might have partially figured out what the hold up with the bonus was and could I possibly send him some documentation to help clear up the issue the company was having. Sure, some info I don't particularly mind sharing for the chance at a bonus check? Yep, that's fine. What is not fine is that you already fucking sent email about this 5 minutes before you started calling me. Ask for the documentation in the god damn email you sent me! Seriously, STOP FORCING ME TO TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE!!!!

Oh, right, New Year's Eve, that's what I was talking about. So on New Year's Eve Pajama Guy sent me a text, well 3 actually. And it set me off. By that I mean, I lost it. Big time. I almost hung up on my sister. I sort of tried to hang up on my mom, but I was too upset to hit the button on my phone. She was trying to be helpful, but I wasn't ready to hear solutions just yet. I was crying and screaming and raging for over two hours. I lost my voice. My face was puffy and swollen for days. My sinuses got so swollen I got a sinus infection. I had no idea how to respond. I actually waited two days until I was seeing my therapist so my therapist could help me write a response. Here's what set me off.

Oh look, now he's trying to force me to talk to The Ex.

Now this might not seem that bad. Sometimes I think I over reacted, although my therapist tells me my anger is healthy. Here's the thing though. I don't want to talk to The Ex. I haven't talked to The Ex since I finally got off the title of his house in September. I also don't want anyone else to talk to The Ex on my behalf (that's almost as bad as me talking to The Ex). I also don't want Pajama Guy to know I'm not talking to The Ex. It's not his God Damn business if I'm not talking to The Ex. Pajama Guy and I aren't friends. We were friends, but he fucked that up, by, you know, sending me silk pajamas in the mail. It was totally inappropriate. I was upset when I saw a package from him. I was even more upset when it seemed like there was clothes in the package. Clothes that didn't seem like a T-shirt or something (not that I would have been happy about a T-shirt) since it crinkled like it was wrapped in plastic. I was horrified and nauseous when I actually opened the package. I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I sent them back to him. At his house. With a note saying it was totally inappropriate for him to have sent them to me.

He apologized. I mostly accepted the apology, but didn't really talk to him for a few years. Then I gave him another chance (remember how I'm too nice to guys?) and he fucked that up too. We went to dinner. We were talking and the place was closing. So we went across the street to a bar to keep talking (we hadn't talked in years we had stuff to catch up on). He touched me. NO! Not in a gross way, but in a I-have-the-right-to-touch-you way. NO! He put his hand on the small of my back and lead me, like we were on a date. NO! We are not on a date. NO! You are not allowed to assume that level of comfort with me. NO! You will not be given another chance. Oh, wait, I still sort have to talk to you since we have a patent application outstanding. Fuck!

I would be uncomfortable with any current or former coworker touching in me in such a manner. That is a level of intimacy I am not comfortable extending to my coworkers. At the time I ignored it and tried to create more physical space between us. It worked for the most that night. But I have been uncomfortable about him ever since. And I realized I don't really want to have anything to do with any more. But again, here is another man in my life using money to control me. (In case you missed it, that was one of The Ex's favorite things to do.)

So then last week, I get another package in the mail from Pajama Guy. Fortunately it's was too small to silk pajamas, but I was still really uncomfortable and nervous. It was a nerdy girl lego. And I'm really annoyed that I actually, really like it. I like it a little less since Pajama Guy sent me a text with a lego guy and a cup of lego coffee a few days ago. He is using this whole bonus check thing to try to entice me into a friendly conversation. I am currently refusing to respond to anything not directly related to the bonus or the patent. He doesn't seem to be catching the clue, but if this alleged bonus check ever arrives and I stop talking to him he should hopefully notice then.

In the meantime, I am disinclined to acquiesce to any attempts to control my behavior.

The RN: Where are the Real Men?

So, I started writing this, I think at the end of last year and then never got around to framing it into an actual post. But in the face of all the ridiculous expectations and disrespect I was going through at the time, I collected a couple of quotes about how men are being demasculinized by our society and it's having a negative effect of the dating scene. I want a masculine man. I don't want a mean or cruel one, but I do want one who knows what he wants and doesn't use some cray scheme to get it.

Without further ado, here are the quotes:

By her lights, things only get worse in higher education. "This PC gender politics thing—the way gender is being taught in the universities—in a very anti-male way, it's all about neutralization of maleness." The result: Upper-middle-class men who are "intimidated" and "can't say anything. . . . They understand the agenda." In other words: They avoid goring certain sacred cows by "never telling the truth to women" about sex, and by keeping "raunchy" thoughts and sexual fantasies to themselves and their laptops.
...
And men aren't the only ones suffering from the decline of men. Women, particularly elite upper-middle-class women, have become "clones" condemned to "Pilates for the next 30 years," Ms. Paglia says. "Our culture doesn't allow women to know how to be womanly," adding that online pornography is increasingly the only place where men and women in our sexless culture tap into "primal energy" in a way they can't in real life.

- Ms. Paglia

We need to stop this whole idea where just because we aren't putting down women means we have to be putting down men. Also, keeping your more base fantasies to yourself just leads to a bad sex life. How can your partner satisfy you if she doesn't know what you really want?

Males have been told to be sensitive and non-threatening at all times. The is often in direct opposition to their ravishing urges toward their female partners. The resulting guilt of wanting to ravish, and it's incompatibility with sensitivity, leads to the stifling of all aggressive urges in the males, even the desired ones. It keeps the male expression somewhat repressed, and often keep the female from feeling sexually desired. The male partner feels he can't express himself, and the female partner perceives her males partner is holding back his desire for her.
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Dr. Logan? If I get your message correctly, you're suggesting I tell my husband he can do whatever he needs to express his desire for me without necessarily restraining his expression?
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I'm not suggesting you let him become abusive or even rough with you, not that he set aside a basic recognition of his strength, his body size, and various other factors in relation to you. ... Instead - I am suggesting that, as a couple, you define the parameters of your sexual expression in ways you might be currently avoiding. Let me ask you a question. Do you you ever feel your husband is holding something back during intimacy?
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Sometimes.
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Aren't you curious what it is? Ask yourself what it would be worth to you to know this information about your partner. It could be fear of being hurt holding you back. It could be his fear of hurting you keeping him from his expression. Talk to him and find out. Like everything else in a relationship sexual expression is an agreement. Honest communication is the path to change.

- Dating Dr. Notorious

Another great line from Dating Dr. Notorious which has always struck a cord with me: "It's funny, she thought, fighting the urge to cringe away from his hands. When the right guy put his hands on you, it was amazing. When the wrong guy did it, the actions could give you the creeps." I especially thought of that line when I was dealing with the guy I had to kick out of my life.

The RN: The Wedding Date

So, back in August I met a guy ... kind of. He doesn't live in the same state (something like a 6-7 hour drive) and he left on a wander-about-Asia-for-however-many-months trip at the beginning of November. But thing is when he was visiting other people near me, we went on a couple of really great dates.

He was nice. He was polite. He didn't treat me like an object. He was a perfect gentleman. It has been so long since I went on a date like that. We went on two dates like that and it was pretty awesome. I am definitely smitten, but, realistically, I don't know this has any chance.

But it sure was nice to be treated with such respect. And I think it started a small change in me. Last week for the first time in I can't even remember how long, I wanted to be in a relationship. To be fair it only lasted for a about 5 minutes, but the thought of having someone I could just lay in bed with and be lazy with sounded really great there for a few minutes.

I am still scared. I still don't know what I want. I still get exasperated in dealing with the guys I meet. But for the first time in a long time, I have a seed of hope. Someday, maybe I won't be single.

The RN: I'm Single; Deal with It

So, here's the thing: I'm single.

Have been for a few years (3 years, 18 days, not that I'm counting or anything). And that's okay. There's actually nothing wrong with being single. It's not a crime. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not letting life pass me by just because I don't have a man.

NEWS FLASH: There is nothing wrong with this!

P.S. This kid is awesome.

Despite the fact that some people can't deal with their kids not having someone in their life, being single is actually okay. It doesn't mean we're not trying; although we maybe on a break. It doesn't mean we're gay; although we may be experimenting out of sheer desperation. It doesn't make us bad people; although sometime we do bad things (don't we all?). It means we haven't settled down yet. Maybe we're still getting over our own issues.

Maybe we just haven't met Mr. Right yet. It's okay to be single. I don't need a man despite having heard this on repeat all last week.