(We don't know where we'll end up ... but we're all starting at single.)

Monday, March 9, 2015

The RN: I am NOT a Toy

I am a person. I have feelings. I have an opinion on almost everything (even if it's apathy). I mostly certainly have an opinion about how I spend my time and what I do with my body.

I have been doing some serious thinking lately (thanks to therapy). I realized many people have stopped asking me to do things. They are assuming I'll do them. There is an ongoing pervasive belief that I don't have plans already. Dear everyone, you are wrong. I do have plans. They may or may not involve you. I do not owe you my schedule. If I have plans and don't tell you about them, that's normal not an affront to you or our relationship. It's my time. I get to decide if I spend it with you or someone else. Your assumption I don't have plans is actually offensive to me.

I don't have to ask you if I want to go do something. I don't need your permission. We don't have that kind of relationship. If you are under the impression we do have that kind of relationship you are mistaken. You do not own my time. I own my time and I can do whatever I want with it. Including not spending it with you. Especially if we just met, but even if you are my best friend. If I want to spend my Saturday night doing laundry and paying bills, then I get to. It's not my job to keep you entertained. This is same attitude street harassers and cat callers display:
It was never about how it makes women feel. It was always about how it makes men feel.

Look, I get it. Commutes can be boring. Cities can be lonely. The desire to go back to some fictional idealized 1950s small town where everyone knows each other and makes small talk all day long can be strong for some people.

However, if you’re an adult, it is your responsibility to entertain yourself and manage your own emotions — hopefully with help from friends and family. It is not the responsibility of random women you do not know to entertain you or smile at you on command.

- Why Dudes Don't Greet Dudes
You aren't entitled to my time, and you certainly aren't entitled to my body. I mean this in a very broad sense and a very personal one. In a broad sense, this means you (both you a person and you society) can't tell me what to do with my body. Whether that means not telling me what to wear or not telling me I should want to have kids. I have already talked about how I don't want kids here and here.

In more personal way, you don't have the right to my body. You aren't entitled to touch me without my permission. Did I invite you to touch my thigh while complimenting my dress? Did I invite you to escort me by putting your hand on my back? Did I invite you to touch me while I slept? No? Then back the fuck off!

I don't think guys understand what it does to us when they touch us without permission. Just because we aren't yelling and screaming at you doesn't mean we are okay with what is happening. If we respect you, we will probably have a conversation about it. But we probably won't really tell you how uncomfortable it made us, because that would just make us more uncomfortable. Your lack of understanding doesn't make it any more okay. It makes me think of the woman in Crash, who got felt up by the cop and then he was genuinely surprised when she shied away from him later when he was actually trying to help. I find it truly sad he is shown as the nice guy who went wrong. Nope. He's an asshole. And encouraging this behavior is damaging to women. This picture series is a little over the top, but not wrong.

I am not a toy. You don't get to play with me when it suits you. I am me. I get to decide about me (hm, this seems to a recurring theme).

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