The RN: In the Eye of the Beholdee

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. - The Duchess (Margaret Wolfe Hungerford)

Sometimes you get compliment that's not actually a compliant at the time. At another time or in a different place it would be a compliment, but right just then it's not. For me this usually happens at work or school (back in the day). Work and school are places where I need to be taken seriously as an engineer. We've talked about this before: I'm not a total frump, like some girls who are engineers, but I'm not model either.

This is not me.	More my style.	Not me either.

I've been told I'm not good terrible at taking compliments, which is totally true. They kind of embarrass me. Usually because I sort of disagree with them; I'm not that awesome. But that is another topic. I like to look ... nice (not hot or sexy, but nice) for work. I don't mind general comments on how I look at work - those are nice. Some examples of things I like to hear:

• You look <really> nice today.
• Your outfit is great today.
• I like your outfit today.
• I don't know what you did different, but you look great.
• That skirt is really good on you.
• You look really professional today.
• I like your hair up like that.

A few comments that are borderline to get at work (these can be okay, depending on who's around and who's giving them):

• You look hot today.
• I really like what that skirt is doing for you.
• I've been trying to read your shirt all day.

Some compliments I'd rather not get at work:

• That skirt makes me crazy.
• You look ... wow!
• I like the way you move.
• You look good enough to eat.

My issue with the second (sort of) and third (totally) sets of comments is they are (can be) sexual in nature. Now if I was out for the night, or even out with friends, I would have no less of a problem with any of these compliments. But when I'm at work, these aren't compliments. These comments sexualize women at work. In a professional office the last thing I want is to be sexualized, especially because I work with engineers.

Stereotypes aside, I know a lot of engineers that have trouble talking with girls, let alone working along side girls. I literally need for these guys to not think of me as a "datable girl"; I need them to think of me as that engineer down the hall.

Oh, you're not that guy? Cool, but don't say anything in front of those guys that will change the way they look at me. That's right, I have to worry about what the other people in the room are hearing when you "compliment" me. It's not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to say, but I need to work with guys who can work with me. If they hear your compliment and start sexualizing me, they may start sexualizing me. Trust me when I say trying to work with someone who can't stop thinking about you in that way is very awkward and difficult.

I work hard to find a line between nice looking, professional, and conservative. Yes I know I dress pretty conservative at work - that's on purpose. Please don't take it away from me with your well meant compliments.

Otherwise my work environment could turn into this, or this, or worse this.

If you think harassment doesn't take place anymore, I'm telling you are wrong. I have experienced it first hand. Have you ever had a professor ask you to sit on his lap? How about having a manager kiss you? Maybe have a co-worker offer to rip your clothes off you, you know, if you're into that kind of thing? What about a security guard that won't let you through the checkpoint you have to go through daily until he's done flirting with you? I have had all of those things happen to me.

I think one of the most unintentionally offensive things I've ever had said to me was, "If I had a pussy, I'd spend all day sticking stuff in it." Wow, really?!? Actually, if you did have one you would treat it like any girl treats hers. Because only then would you truly understand what we have to go through.

My vagina is not an amusement park!

Also, you have plenty of holes in your body; do spend all day sticking things in those holes? No? You don't? Then why should one more hole be any different?

Sometimes the compliment isn't a compliment in the eye of the beholdee.

The RN: Brain Candy

I was having an argument discussion with a coworker the other week. About ... well technically porn I guess. We were discussing the reading habits of modern women. His sister-in-law had borrowed his eReader and left a bunch of "crap" on it. So, of course, my first question was, "Wait, what did she leave on there? Do you still have a list? I want to know which ones she likes." His response was, "It's all crap."

Duh. I know; that's why we like it. Then I mentioned I liked to call those books Brain Candy - and this is when the argument started. His argument was there's no thinking involved, it can't be "brain" anything. Um, I think you're missing the point. The whole reason it's Brain Candy is exactly because I don't have to think.

Do boys think when they are enjoying Eye Candy? Then why would girls be thinking when they are enjoying Brain Candy?

Eye Candy:

Brain Candy:

Any questions?

The RN: Expectations

It seems like there are so many expectations around us everyday. And many of them revolve around dating and finding "the one". Lately it seems like a lot of my expectations are ... wrong? ... not quite right? ... off?

First, I expect most guys I know aren't assholes. However, it seems like the asshole hat has been going around lately. There's my so-called-friends hitting on me in the most awkward ways. My friends are just that - friends, not friends with benefits. Just plain, old friends. PJ Guy keeps sending me the most random emails. Like I need advice on how to run my life. Or my interests line up with his in anything more than in general ways.

I do not want to be your extra-marital affair! Ew! Just stop! I had to block PJ Guy on Google Chat even though I'm on there less than once a week. Every time I logged in he pounces on me with some random topic I was supposed to care about. And he still sends me emails with lists of links. Like I have time to read all that crap. I actually do have life and I don't need your advice on what I should be doing with my life. All under the guise of "I thought you might be interested in ..." Why?!? Why did you think I'd be interested in the stuff you are? Also, hello! Passive-aggressive much? I am perfectly capable of living my own life. I can make my own choices, even you don't think they are the right ones. It's my life - I get to make the choices. And I choose not to spend any time with you. I do not want to be involved with this:

I have enough drama in my life as it is. I don't really think I need to mention how my expectations for my recent dates have been off. Gems is well Gems. He's texted a few more times with things like: "Drinking?" and "Are you alive?" Well, yes, I am, but as far you are concerned maybe not. At least I have started to expect him to behave like that.

CT on the other hand, has always been ... well, nice to me. Until last week. I know it's just a small thing, but I really wasn't expecting it from him. We were texting last Thursday and he was trying to convince me to go over there. But thing is, I was tired, hungry, and I had laundry to do. Which I told him, then he came back with "You can do your laundry an hour later." Well, yes, I can, but I'm pretty sure it won't just be an hour. Plus I was hungry and he doesn't have food I can eat. (Long story, short: he's basically a vegetarian and I'm allergic to most vegetables.) We went back and forth a few more times and then, BAM!, he hits me with, "You don't need everything you own for [tomorrow] just one outfit. You are a drama queen." Apparently this is me:

As I was telling a few people (The Slow Dancer, The Dirty Little Secret, and The Window Shopper to name a few), they all burst out laughing. Because here's the thing: I'm not actually a Drama Queen. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of drama - we all do. But in general I don't make more out of a situation than needs to be made. Yeah, I'm still a little miffed about this one. It actually really hurt my feelings that my having a life and things to do other than going over to his place was enough to insight name calling. Also he never comes to me, so I'm always the one who has to spend the time to get to him.

And I got in a fight with The Ex last week too. He was being a jerk. Sending me pictures of movies he knows scare me. In the middle of the night. After I told him I was trying to go to sleep. Like I said a jerk. I told him to knock it off or I'd stop talking to him. Then, when I stopped talking to him because he didn't stop, he comes back with, "Wow! You weren't kidding about not talking to me anymore." Well no shit! That's what I said. So I responded with, "We're not dating anymore - I don't have to put up with [you] being mean." Then, of course, he starts texting me pictures of the dog I had to leave with him. So course I looked and had to start talking to him again. Sigh. He really does know me that well.

Then there's this: I don't where I'm going in life anymore. The PoolBoy and I were talking about buying houses and growing up (like we both aren't in our mid 30s). I realized I don't know what I want out of life or a relationship anymore. Do I want to spend my life alone or in short term relationships? No. But I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I know I can't keep living like I do now, I'll wear myself out. But will I be in a serious relationship? Will I be married? Will I still be hanging out with people younger than me acting like I'm their age? I just don't know. When I was younger, I thought I'd be married and maybe have kids by now - see how things change? at one point I thought I wanted kids, now I don't even want a dog because it would disrupt my life too much. I have no idea what I want out of life right now. So, how am I supposed to get there if I don't know where there is?

Excellent question; I have no answer ... for now.

The RN: Creepers

I seemed to have entered the creep zone somehow. I touched on some of it in my last blog with some of creepy behavior from some of my so-called friends. It seems like the last couple of months have had a high creep factor.

First Gems - still being creepy. The one and two word text messages continue. My lack of response also continues. I mean really? You can't put together more than a few words? The clear lack of effort and continued expectation that I should respond by putting out are tiring. I mean really, put a little effort into it. Or not. If you don't, I won't.

Next Pajama Guy - you met him last blog as the second example of the Awkward Friend. After that ridiculousness in the airport, he continued to text me craziness for the next week. I think the most annoying was the "Chirp-chirp" texts he sent in the mornings. Which were poorly timed "wake-up calls" usually arriving after I'd already gone to work. Here's what he thought would be a good idea to send me:

• Tuesday's Wake-Up Texts
• Chirp-chirp
• Welcome a New Day with a smile on your lips and Good Thoughts in your Heart. Have a great day!
• Wednesday's Wake-Up Texts
• Chirp-chirp
• Breath
• Let go
• And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. Good morning.

Not super creepy in the content, but really I don't even talk/text/chat with my best friends on daily basis. Why would I want to talk to him on a daily basis?!? And these are clearly more than someone who is a work friend should be sending. It wasn't as much what he was sending as it was that he was sending daily texts every morning. I felt like a toy he had found at the back of his closet and wanted to play with again. 

Except I'm not a toy, and he doesn't ever get to play with me. 

1. I don't mess around with people from work. Period. 
2. Ew, no! He's not my type.
3. Double, triple, ick - he's married ... with kids!
4. Even the thought of it makes my head hurt worse than a saw in my skull.

Since, I found myself surrounded by creeps, I decided to slow down my dating again. I know, I know, I haven't really been doing any lately. But, as I've said before, I'm tired of the short, short game. This did, however, still leave me the opportunity for a first date. He was a friend of an old friend of The Dirty Little Secret.

We had actually met last November, and he had commented on wanting to take me out. But he didn't follow through. So when we ran into each other again a few days ago I gave him a second chance, and a lot of flack about not following though last time. This time we did manage to go out on our first date and then ... nothing. I thought it went pretty well, but he never called or texted. I texted him a couple times, but to no response.

I don't know how exactly that makes me feel. Part of me wants to think there's hope since I thought the date went well. The rest of me is sad the first thing that felt like it might have a chance to be something more than a short game fell off after one date. I can't really complain about him not responding since that's what I'm doing with Gems and Pajama Guy. But I do abide by the Double Text Rule. I sent one text two days later and one text a week after the date. With no response, I know better than to send another.

Sigh. Oh well.

The RN: The Awkward "Friend"

I'm one of those girls who has a lot of guy friends. I'm an engineer; most engineers are guys. I spent a lot of time with guys, many of them are engineers. I'm used to awkward. I'm used to dealing with people who don't have any clue (remember Late Guy?). But I am starting to notice a ... disturbing? ... new category of awkward.

I repeat this is does NOT make me happy.

This new category of Awkward Friends is define by a guy who has been your friend for however long, and is totally fine or maybe a little to touchy-feely, stands a little too close, but in general is a "good" friend. Until he finds out you're no longer with your ex.

Then things begin to change, slowly at first, and then they progress to just awkward. I have two stand out examples. Many Some guys flirt with getting into this category but then notice the awkwardness and move back to friends. Thank goodness!

The first and more obvious (in so many ways) is one my friends from Grad School. We spent a bit of time hanging out together while I was at school. And we've kept in touch here and there over the years. He was always a bit on the creepy side ("You're one of 5 girls I'd consider marrying."), but taken in context it wasn't ever overbearing or much worse than the other crap awkward guys pull.

After I broke up with The Ex, he got creepy really fast. Here's some randomish things he's commented on my Facebook pictures:

• Rawr.
• Love the form fitting outfit. And the form it fits.
• More tongue, please. (To be fair I was sticking my out in this one.)
• Royal purple suits you.
• I'm going to run my fingers through those gorgeous locks the next time we meet.
• I am so glad you grew your hair out again. You know what I'm going to do with it the next time I see you, yes?
• This one prompted my mom to comment, "Ok, [guy], you're scaring me. Tell me you mean braids . . .!"
• Also, this is motivation to never see him in person again. And ... EEEEWWWWW!

So I pretty much stopped talking to him ... and mostly blocked him on Facebook, but you know since we used to be friends he still has all kinds of contact info for me. Blocking him entirely would create quite a bit of drama.

The other guy is an old, "manager type" friend from work about 8 years ago. He travels to near where I live now with some frequency and we used to meet up for dinner and chatting. I was on the "we are friends, we don't see each any more really let's grab dinner" page. Apparently he was not. About 2 years ago he decided it was okay to send me satin pajamas from Victoria's Secret as a Christmas present. Which I sent back with a short note:

"I cannot except this present. It is inappropriate in the context of our friendship."

Last week after working on keeping distance for almost 2 years, I agreed to have dinner with him again on Wednesday. Dinner wasn't bad, we caught up, and things seemed normal. So we went across the way to "get a beer" and things were still fine, but he started to get a little touchy-feely - nothing too bad. Most of it could be considered "gentlemanly".

And then he texted me on Thursday about going to lunch on Friday. Um, no. I barely have time to see my friends living here as it is. You don't get 2 times in one week. The Peach told me I was over reacting. I told her I probably was, but then I don't what I did to encourage the pajamas in the first place and I wanted to stay as far away from that as I possibly could. But agreed to let it go.

Then on Friday he started texting from the airport about some chick hitting on him there. And about how he decided to hide in the bathroom. And then HE KEPT TEXTING ME FROM THE BATHROOM and telling me about it. UGH! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS! So I stopped responding and he only sent like 6 more texts.

I guess we're back to the part about how I'm too nice to guys ...

The DLS: Hope Springs...A Trap

This morning while putting pen to paper for my own peace of mind - a thing I do to sort out the whirling dervish in my head - I curiously found myself writing a blog-like entry instead...I debated voicing these thoughts semi-publicly given their subject matter. Perhaps this is more human nature than a secret, but in some ways I am deeply private and it takes a certain courage to say: Dirty Little Secret #6: Sometimes I have pretty dark/deep/self-deprecating thoughts. Things so easy to think yet hard to say aloud for fear they might become real. The words of that voice in your head - let's call it Iago - that makes you doubt yourself...and others. Usually I am good at telling Iago to "fuck off," but sometimes I lose that battle and give in to all the "truths" it tells me.

I have been alone for a LOOONNNGGGG time, and (spoiler alert: until recently) I haven't met someone even slightly inspiring in the LOOOOOOONGEST time. Normally, this bothers me little or not at all, but every once in a while, I have some spark that triggers an internal meltdown, releasing all the unspeakable things. For one, I miss My Ex, or at least I miss the idea of us - the laughter, good plans, great sex. He was in some ways my greatest joy, yet the catalyst of some of my deepest sorrows - we don't work, we won't work. Yet, I haven't felt things like I did with him...probably ever since. I rarely meet people who make me look twice, and I KNOW when someone is special;.it's a palpable gut feeling, but that still doesn't mean things will work out. Men roll off me like water off a duck...

Recently a blip popped up on RADAR I thought was busted from the last crash and burn in my love/social life. I hardly noticed the blip, but then it was right in the center screen, blinking bright green, impossible to ignore. Outside factors and complications aside, the more I learned about him the more I wanted to ask and know. And the chemistry is/was off the charts - head spinning, can't think straight let alone at all, giddy "love" drunkenness - yet he hasn't really followed through...like most men I've encountered for the last couple years. And this spark, this ember, this hope I didn't want was brought to life to die, in all likelihood, before even being fully born.

It doesn't seem fair - I know, I know, life by default isn't, but still - I was fine on my own, this is always when guys pop up, and now I just can't help wonder "what if?" One can argue "If it's meant to be, it'll work out," and this is my overall philosophy - when I can push Iago aside - but it's hard to have one night, a glimpse and then nothing...well, a few text convos and likely empty promises, so next to nothing. I think of things I would have done differently - orgasm? yes, please; stay the night? absolutely. I wonder if he's just that busy, if I did something wrong or if there really IS something inherently wrong with me..."unlovable" whispers Iago.  A thought that haunts me from time to time, an Achilles heel of pain.

One of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, captures the essence perfectly: "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." Or in other words: Hope is a tease...a trap. Mainly because we need hope to be able to dare to risk all and do great things, to hang in when times are tough or we're stuck in life's doldrums. I know many of my single friends share similar frustrations and sentiments - The Window Shopper and I have discussed this in-depth on more than one occasion, in fact she wrote about it eloquently, yet briefly in her personal blog. The crazy, weird, maybe even obvious thing is, they're fabulous. WE'RE fabulous, flaws and all. We're single because we know it's worth waiting for our "lobsters." We're not waiting for someone(s) to complete us, we're learning to be whole ourselves first and hoping - there's that nasty word again - that we'll find someone(s) to join us on our grand adventures. Like romping around with complete abandon on a playground in near total darkness after dancing like a fool all night at the beach bar. I hope I never outgrow that lust for life...

Deep thoughts, 
By The DLS

The RN: Must be a Full Moon

"This month's full moon, which rises on Tuesday (Aug. 20), is not just a Blue Moon — it's also the Full Sturgeon Moon, the Full Red Moon, the Green Corn Moon and the Grain Moon."
   - The Huffington Post

My only thought when reading the post was, "Well at least I was right it being a full moon this week." Here is it only Wednesday and I have had three (yes three) guys message me about hooking up. Maybe I do need fewer hookups. I barely have time for the rest of my life without spending the night elsewhere during the week.

My horoscope had this to say this morning, "Any romantic involvements you currently have will have an intensity right now that can either be positive or negative." So it seems like at three of my involvements have intensified. The jury's still out on whether this a good thing or a bad one.

And just in case you were wondering, nope, haven't gone over to anyone's house. Although I'm tempted, this week is just a little too busy. So far ...