The RN: Love's Day

I meant to post this on or near Valentine's Day, but life. And I somehow missed posting for all February :(

For past 3 years, I've been single on Valentine's Day. Three years ago, I didn't know what to do with myself and was possibly freaking out a little bit. Never fear, TWS to the rescue! We went out on an "Anti-Valentine's Day" date. We went to non-romantic restaurant and saw The Grey. It was awesome and just what I needed.

Best Valentine's Day Movie Ever!

We went out again last year and saw Identity Theft instead of a romance.

Another Great Valentine's Day Movie!

This year we were all set to go out for Valentine's Day again, until my old roommate decided to get married in FL over Valentine's Day weekend. So, I got to travel through Pax to FL for a great wedding.

Originally, The PoolBoy and I were set to fly down on Thursday afternoon and it looked like there would be a break in the weather long enough for us to get out. However, by 9am our flight had been cancelled. Shortly thereafter another friend of mine (let's call her Boobles) texted me her flight from a nearby airport had been cancelled as well ... after she got to the airport. So I told her to get to my house since The PoolBoy and I had decided to rent a car and drive down there. To be fair The PoolBoy was the best man so it's not like we were going to miss the wedding if at all possible.

So at just after noon on Thursday The PoolBoy, Boobles, and I got in a car a drove 16+ hours through the winter storm to get to FL and make the wedding. And it was well worth it. Unfortunately, both Boobles and I both had to work on Friday morning :(

We had only rented the car for 24 hours, so in the middle of working I took a break to return the car. I went across the street to The PoolBoy's hotel to grab the keys from him and take the car back. While I was grabbing the keys and noticing all the groomsmen were luckily hanging out the pool instead of work, one of the other groomsmen gave me a hug hello. And then I was on my way to the airport to return the car. As I was turning in the car, the rental agent wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I stopped and said, "Oh, that's right, it's Valentine's Day." The agent looked at me in shock and asked, "Didn't you get anything for today? A pretty girl like you shouldn't be ignored today." I replied, "Um, I'm here for a wedding ... one of the groomsmen gave me a hug." He told me then that was okay. And I went about returning the car.

That was the only acknowledgement of Valentine's Day I had. Now I'm not really one of those anti-Valentine's Day people (despite what it sounds like at the beginning of this blog), but part of me sees how it can be lonely for those us not in a relationship. And in some ways it was odd to be in the middle of a weekend celebrating my friends' love and be alone on a day where everyone some people are obsessed with love. The last couple of years I have been little like this about Valentine's Day:

Please just leave me alone.

This year it was largely just lost in the crowd of things I had going on. I feel like that's a healthy-ish place to be in. I'm not dwelling on it, but it's not getting to me either. And honestly, I have spent Valentine's Days when I was in a relationship more lonely than I was this year. Cheers, to being in a better place :)

The Rn: Vegas Baby

Las Vegas, Baby!

A couple of weekends ago, a bunch of us went to Las Vegas to celebrate a pair of birthdays. The DLS and her college roommate (DCF) have birthdays about 4 weeks apart and this year was the big 3-0. So clearly a Vegas trip was in order. In all, we had up to 11 people out partying.

My sister (RNSis) and I arrived on Thursday night since we know a bunch of people in Vegas. On Thursday night and Friday, we hung out with a couple of our college friends one of who had to work through most of the festivities (RNCF2) and one who joined us for some of the fun (RNCF1) even though she's pregnant - yeah, my friends are that awesome.

Somehow on Thursday night, while visiting RNCF2 at her job, I got talked into riding a mechanical bull. On a Thursday. At like midnight (or 3am my time zone). While I was the DD. And yet no one was surprised I did it. Hm, not too worried about that. The resulting bruise was less than pleasant, but, meh, it was just a bruise.

On Friday morning, I was digging through my suitcase getting ready to go hang out, when I noticed I may not have done a stellar packing job. And by that I mean I packed 4 bras and 0 pairs of underwear for the weekend. Um, that's not really going to work. Quickly, we added Victoria's Secret to the day's shopping list. Then RNCF2, RNCF1, RNSis, and I all went and got mani-pedis, because we decided to spoil ourselves. Then we grabbed lunch with the addition of RNCF1's dad - because he's awesome. Then we went shopping. Let's hear it for Victoria's Secret's Semi Annual Sale; I was able to grab all the underwear I needed out of the clearance bin.

$4 a piece? Yes, please!

Next, I had to wash all the undies in the sink, because eew! gross! those were in the clearance bin. Fortunately, TWS's hotel-mate X had randomly grabbed some laundry soap at CVS on the way from the airport. Of course, I was on a time crunch. So undies washed, then me washed ... and shampooed ... and shaved. Because we were headed out to Sapphire for some fun.

Hello there.

Well only the girls, the two husbands went to go gamble while we were busy ogling. We had a blast. We also quickly realized who really spends a lot of money in these places, and let me tell you we weren't it. Apparently, there is a certain ... portion? ... of the population willing to pay large sums of money for male attention. If I wanted a guy to grind on me and grab me, I'd go to a (night) club or get back on OKC. Regardless, TWS and I conspired to get the DLS up on stage with cutest stripper for public lap dance. Don't regret it for a second.

The next day a few of us went to Sephora, and I got talked into buying more makeup. I mean I did want some lipstick, since we sort of skipped that in the first round, but then I got talked into some more eye shadow too. Which, of course, I have used since Vegas, so I shouldn't be complaining about because it's awesome. And I love the lipstick too. As TWS would put it, "Le sigh."

Then we went to an awesome steak house for the big birthday dinner. Great food. Better company. A little drama. Sounds about right.

Then we went to the club for bottle service. It was fun, really fun. Especially watching my sister go out for the first time since she had her first kid. Yeah, that's right, there are normal, child-bearing people in my family; I'm just not one of them. Plus after hanging with her husband all of last summer, it was time to put her through the wringer.

Family torture device.

I made out with a French guy at the club. Who was pleasantly aggressive; if not the best kisser. I may not be big on makeup, but I am pretty sure his goal was to eat all the lipstick off my face. Still, it was nice to have some harmless fun. After a bit of drama (don't slap people in the club; it's not nice) and a bit of miscommunication, X, TWS, RNSis, and I left the club and decided to play in the Casino for a bit. Nothing serious just a few nickel slots to entertain ourselves. Shortly there after we were joined by Lily just hanging out having some fun, still in our club dresses.

And that's how we meet the Canadians. That and the declared craziest line of the weekend, "We're from Michigan; we fuck Canadians all the time." Well, okay then, just like that 4 (of 8 we later found out) Canadians were down without hanging out most the night, like it wasn't already 5am. Gotta love Vegas time. Even though none of us are from MI. A few grew up there, but not all of us.

Something like this, I guess.

A few of those Canadians even got lucky over the course of the weekend. Alas, this was not my year; things didn't quite line up for me to hookup with anyone this time around. I was on the hookup bandwagon last year. Pretty sure I never caught that guy's real name; sorry Mom.

And that pretty much sums up the trip. Most of the drama got worked out before we left, the rest of it got cleared up over the next couple days. Well, except for the part where TWS's ride home from the airport ditched her there. Fortunately, my flight wasn't landing too much later than hers and her place is on my way home from the airport.

It was almost a drama free weekend ... almost.

The RN: Porn is Supposedly Ruining our Relationships ... Again ... Still?

Happy New Year!

So, this was supposed to be the last post of 2013, but I got lazy and now it's the first post of 2014.

It seems like every few months there's a round of posts on FaceBook about how porn is ruining our relationships. The latest round on my news feed started with this one. I get it and sometimes I even sort of agree with it. If you spend all day looking at porn stars and your  girlfriend doesn't even like blow jobs, you're bound to be disappointed. Also, go find a girl who likes to give blow jobs.

I get frustrated with these articles placing all the blame on porn. I do agree there are some guys people out there who really do have an issue with porn, but it's not every Tom, Dick, and Jane. I think the real issue is communication. Porn is porn; it's been around since forever. It's not going away, because people enjoy being turned on.

Sure porn can create unrealistic expectations. Not every girl can take it raw up the ass 10 seconds after she walks in the door. And even if she can, doesn't mean she wants to. And that's where the communication comes in. So you want her to take it raw up the ass 10 seconds after she walks in the door? Why? What about that turns you on? Maybe, she can will do the part that turns you on. Maybe. But you need to communicate to find the line. You need to know yourself and be okay with talking about what you want. Otherwise, you can't expect your partner to know what you want.

I've made this mistake. I'm sure many people have made this mistake. I know I made it with The Ex. Shocking, I know, but The Ex and I had communication issues. Lots of them. I feel like every time I tried to talk to him about my needs we ended up arguing. Sex related or not, this was us:

"I'm right; you're wrong!"

But, I digress. Okay so I can see how porn can create possibly unrealistic expectations for sex within a relationship. But that doesn't make porn bad. It just means you have to have realistic expectations. Of yourself and of your partner and of your relationship.

I think we need to look at the other side of the equation though. Porn, by far, is something we associate with guys. Guys watch porn and get unrealistic ideas, or so the story goes. But it's not just porn that's creating unrealistic expectations. So assuming we agree porn is influence guys; what is influencing girls to have unrealistic expectations? My answer: romance novels/trashy novels/brain candy.

To over simplify, the plot of every one of these books is: 

• Boy and girl meet
• Boy and girl hate each other and fight all the time, but only because they secretly are perfect for one another
• Boy and girl separately realize how much they love the other one, but refuse to admit to themselves and others because they are both convinced the other one hates them
• Somehow something happens and one admits feeling, the other follows after some delay from zero to decades, depending on the "plot"
• Boy and girl live happily ever after
• Some optional amount of plot and side stories to make the story fit into a subcategory

We have girls being told love is almost immediate, it over rules all adversity, and you should be treated "like a queen" and everything wrong is his fault. Talk about unrealistic expectations. This isn't the way real relationships work. No one is always wrong and no one is always right. These books are showing girls whatever they do is the right choice and in the end the guy will discover she was right even if he didn't think so to begin with.

Oh, I almost forget the whole "electric touch" thing in romance novels. The first time (and every other time) said boy and girl touch, even in the slightest non-sexual way, they both feel a buzz or heat or tingles or some other such crap, which they have never felt with anyone else - ever. So now on top of everything else your both supposed to be able to tell the first time you touch someone. Some books even start this before the touching, when you see your match across the room/street/party/whatever. COME ON! That shit is not real! I'll give you butterflies of excitement at a new relationship, even a new hookup, or a first date. But to feel unprecedented heat or electricity without actually knowing the person? I don't believe it.

Months ago TWS and I were talking about something completely unrelated to this when she said:

• "i turned around and poof! he was there and i knew it was forever" 
  GO FUCK YOURSELF. ... even if it appears that easy, it never is. stop lyin ho.

My thoughts exactly! Real life is hard and so are real relationships. Nothing is as easy as these books are making it seem. Now some are more realistic than others, but in the end they are still the same story. I understand this is supposed to a fantasized version of life to make girls the reader happy, but I feel like we are being set up for failure. It's like the movie He's Just Not That Into You, where the whole movie is talking about sometime he just doesn't like you back. *Spoiler Alert* But then at the end of the movie, he is that into her and she gets the guy. That's not what really happens. In reality you had what you thought was a great date, and then he never texts you back.

But I maintain: porn is not ruining our relationships. And neither are romance novels. We are ruining our relationships. We are ruining them by having unrealistic expectations, by not communicating with each other, and by not actually trying to make them work. 

Or by trying too hard to make them work ... but that's another topic.

The RN: Talk Dirty to ... WTF? Seriously?

Okay, I'm not a prude, but good lord what has happened to respect lately?

I was a little under the weather last week and feeling a bit mopey. But I pulled up my big girl pants and went out with friends on Friday night. One of my friends was having Happy Hour, which of course lasted more like 8 hours.

So I was out having fun with friends after a long week of work and not feeling great. It was a nice evening out, pretty calm for our crowd and just what I needed:

Approaching "Whooooa Girl"

One text message in a relatively short conversation later this was me:

"McKayla is not impressed."

So what kind of conversation could my night turn so bad? This kind:

Yes, that's so bad I don't even want to tell you who it is.

After having a conversation at work about this today. I am changing my line. This one crosses the line from slut to whore. Don't make me feel like a whore. I am NOT at your beck and call. I am my own person and will not allow myself to be treated like this. End. Of. Story.

The RN: In the Eye of the Beholdee

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. - The Duchess (Margaret Wolfe Hungerford)

Sometimes you get compliment that's not actually a compliant at the time. At another time or in a different place it would be a compliment, but right just then it's not. For me this usually happens at work or school (back in the day). Work and school are places where I need to be taken seriously as an engineer. We've talked about this before: I'm not a total frump, like some girls who are engineers, but I'm not model either.

This is not me.	More my style.	Not me either.

I've been told I'm not good terrible at taking compliments, which is totally true. They kind of embarrass me. Usually because I sort of disagree with them; I'm not that awesome. But that is another topic. I like to look ... nice (not hot or sexy, but nice) for work. I don't mind general comments on how I look at work - those are nice. Some examples of things I like to hear:

• You look <really> nice today.
• Your outfit is great today.
• I like your outfit today.
• I don't know what you did different, but you look great.
• That skirt is really good on you.
• You look really professional today.
• I like your hair up like that.

A few comments that are borderline to get at work (these can be okay, depending on who's around and who's giving them):

• You look hot today.
• I really like what that skirt is doing for you.
• I've been trying to read your shirt all day.

Some compliments I'd rather not get at work:

• That skirt makes me crazy.
• You look ... wow!
• I like the way you move.
• You look good enough to eat.

My issue with the second (sort of) and third (totally) sets of comments is they are (can be) sexual in nature. Now if I was out for the night, or even out with friends, I would have no less of a problem with any of these compliments. But when I'm at work, these aren't compliments. These comments sexualize women at work. In a professional office the last thing I want is to be sexualized, especially because I work with engineers.

Stereotypes aside, I know a lot of engineers that have trouble talking with girls, let alone working along side girls. I literally need for these guys to not think of me as a "datable girl"; I need them to think of me as that engineer down the hall.

Oh, you're not that guy? Cool, but don't say anything in front of those guys that will change the way they look at me. That's right, I have to worry about what the other people in the room are hearing when you "compliment" me. It's not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to say, but I need to work with guys who can work with me. If they hear your compliment and start sexualizing me, they may start sexualizing me. Trust me when I say trying to work with someone who can't stop thinking about you in that way is very awkward and difficult.

I work hard to find a line between nice looking, professional, and conservative. Yes I know I dress pretty conservative at work - that's on purpose. Please don't take it away from me with your well meant compliments.

Otherwise my work environment could turn into this, or this, or worse this.

If you think harassment doesn't take place anymore, I'm telling you are wrong. I have experienced it first hand. Have you ever had a professor ask you to sit on his lap? How about having a manager kiss you? Maybe have a co-worker offer to rip your clothes off you, you know, if you're into that kind of thing? What about a security guard that won't let you through the checkpoint you have to go through daily until he's done flirting with you? I have had all of those things happen to me.

I think one of the most unintentionally offensive things I've ever had said to me was, "If I had a pussy, I'd spend all day sticking stuff in it." Wow, really?!? Actually, if you did have one you would treat it like any girl treats hers. Because only then would you truly understand what we have to go through.

My vagina is not an amusement park!

Also, you have plenty of holes in your body; do spend all day sticking things in those holes? No? You don't? Then why should one more hole be any different?

Sometimes the compliment isn't a compliment in the eye of the beholdee.

The RN: Brain Candy

I was having an argument discussion with a coworker the other week. About ... well technically porn I guess. We were discussing the reading habits of modern women. His sister-in-law had borrowed his eReader and left a bunch of "crap" on it. So, of course, my first question was, "Wait, what did she leave on there? Do you still have a list? I want to know which ones she likes." His response was, "It's all crap."

Duh. I know; that's why we like it. Then I mentioned I liked to call those books Brain Candy - and this is when the argument started. His argument was there's no thinking involved, it can't be "brain" anything. Um, I think you're missing the point. The whole reason it's Brain Candy is exactly because I don't have to think.

Do boys think when they are enjoying Eye Candy? Then why would girls be thinking when they are enjoying Brain Candy?

Eye Candy:

Brain Candy:

Any questions?

The RN: Expectations

It seems like there are so many expectations around us everyday. And many of them revolve around dating and finding "the one". Lately it seems like a lot of my expectations are ... wrong? ... not quite right? ... off?

First, I expect most guys I know aren't assholes. However, it seems like the asshole hat has been going around lately. There's my so-called-friends hitting on me in the most awkward ways. My friends are just that - friends, not friends with benefits. Just plain, old friends. PJ Guy keeps sending me the most random emails. Like I need advice on how to run my life. Or my interests line up with his in anything more than in general ways.

I do not want to be your extra-marital affair! Ew! Just stop! I had to block PJ Guy on Google Chat even though I'm on there less than once a week. Every time I logged in he pounces on me with some random topic I was supposed to care about. And he still sends me emails with lists of links. Like I have time to read all that crap. I actually do have life and I don't need your advice on what I should be doing with my life. All under the guise of "I thought you might be interested in ..." Why?!? Why did you think I'd be interested in the stuff you are? Also, hello! Passive-aggressive much? I am perfectly capable of living my own life. I can make my own choices, even you don't think they are the right ones. It's my life - I get to make the choices. And I choose not to spend any time with you. I do not want to be involved with this:

I have enough drama in my life as it is. I don't really think I need to mention how my expectations for my recent dates have been off. Gems is well Gems. He's texted a few more times with things like: "Drinking?" and "Are you alive?" Well, yes, I am, but as far you are concerned maybe not. At least I have started to expect him to behave like that.

CT on the other hand, has always been ... well, nice to me. Until last week. I know it's just a small thing, but I really wasn't expecting it from him. We were texting last Thursday and he was trying to convince me to go over there. But thing is, I was tired, hungry, and I had laundry to do. Which I told him, then he came back with "You can do your laundry an hour later." Well, yes, I can, but I'm pretty sure it won't just be an hour. Plus I was hungry and he doesn't have food I can eat. (Long story, short: he's basically a vegetarian and I'm allergic to most vegetables.) We went back and forth a few more times and then, BAM!, he hits me with, "You don't need everything you own for [tomorrow] just one outfit. You are a drama queen." Apparently this is me:

As I was telling a few people (The Slow Dancer, The Dirty Little Secret, and The Window Shopper to name a few), they all burst out laughing. Because here's the thing: I'm not actually a Drama Queen. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of drama - we all do. But in general I don't make more out of a situation than needs to be made. Yeah, I'm still a little miffed about this one. It actually really hurt my feelings that my having a life and things to do other than going over to his place was enough to insight name calling. Also he never comes to me, so I'm always the one who has to spend the time to get to him.

And I got in a fight with The Ex last week too. He was being a jerk. Sending me pictures of movies he knows scare me. In the middle of the night. After I told him I was trying to go to sleep. Like I said a jerk. I told him to knock it off or I'd stop talking to him. Then, when I stopped talking to him because he didn't stop, he comes back with, "Wow! You weren't kidding about not talking to me anymore." Well no shit! That's what I said. So I responded with, "We're not dating anymore - I don't have to put up with [you] being mean." Then, of course, he starts texting me pictures of the dog I had to leave with him. So course I looked and had to start talking to him again. Sigh. He really does know me that well.

Then there's this: I don't where I'm going in life anymore. The PoolBoy and I were talking about buying houses and growing up (like we both aren't in our mid 30s). I realized I don't know what I want out of life or a relationship anymore. Do I want to spend my life alone or in short term relationships? No. But I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I know I can't keep living like I do now, I'll wear myself out. But will I be in a serious relationship? Will I be married? Will I still be hanging out with people younger than me acting like I'm their age? I just don't know. When I was younger, I thought I'd be married and maybe have kids by now - see how things change? at one point I thought I wanted kids, now I don't even want a dog because it would disrupt my life too much. I have no idea what I want out of life right now. So, how am I supposed to get there if I don't know where there is?

Excellent question; I have no answer ... for now.