The RN: The Silent Treatment?

Where were we? Oh, yes, Tuesday Night Guy wasn't talking to me. I know he was trying to be my friend, but he was, in a word, failing. He was constantly saying things which made me uncomfortable. The last straw was this text conversation we had after the Regularly Scheduled Tuesday Night Activity at the end of February. I got the first text about 2.5 seconds after I walked in the door. Ugh, I just fucking talked to you in person; I don't want to spend all night texting with you. Just stop! Gah!

FYI, this in not helping anything.

I didn't respond further for several days. I took a few days to calm down from the anger this incited, and then wrote another "The RN is NOT happy" text. I was respectful and not blaming, but VERY firm about him sending me this kind of crap. I called him out for not respecting my boundaries and said him not being able to help himself is not an excuse to violate my boundaries. I told him this stuff isn't sweet, it's pushy and reeks of him demanding I response to his sexual interest. I told him no touching of any kind; even friendly physical contact was no longer allowed. He got pouty and said I was painting him with a broad brush from the "other jerks" in my life and said I must hate him. I told him that's not what I said. And then he stopped talking to me for 25 days and didn't show up at any of the Tuesday night stuff.

I wasn't mad he stopped talking me. I felt a little guilty, mostly because I wasn't trying to cause an issue and it seemed like he was missing things because of what I said. It took me a bit, but I got over feeling guilty - I didn't ask him to avoid places where I was or to not come to events. Part of me was actually relieved not to be under the pressure of trying to figure out if he was taking something I said the wrong way.

Then last Tuesday he came to the Regularly Scheduled Tuesday Night Activity. I was a little nervous about how things were going to go, but they went just fine. Until he asked if he talk to me afterwards, then I got really nervous. I put on my big girl panties and said sure. We walked over to a local chain bar and sat down. It was one of the most difficult conversations I've had in a while. The gist of it was, he conceded I was right and he apologized for making me uncomfortable. Of course, he asked to hold my hand while he was apologizing. Great, he's already not listening to what I asked. I said, no, he couldn't hold my hand.

We went back and forth over a bunch of details and then I basically said, "If you wouldn't say it to your friend's wife, then don't say it to me." If you're about to say something to me and you wouldn't feel comfortable saying the same to your friend's wife, then it's not appropriate to say to me. First, this is how I think of a lot of things, pick a category and then find an exemplar in the category everybody understands. Use as a reference to the category. Second, I really hate that telling men to respect a woman as if she belongs to a man they respect works so much better than saying be respectful. But it does, every fucking time.

He texted the next day saying he enjoyed the conversation. Ugh, stop asking for validation. But it was only one text and at least it wasn't the same night. Then Monday at 9am he texts, "Hope you had a great weekend.......and your week gets off to a great start today." Great. Now he's starting to sound like Pajama Guy. I sent him a link to an article I'd run across about Extroverted Inverts indicating he should see #9: Sometimes you're bad at messaging. Then he responds with, "I know.  I understand you more than you might realize 😊  I was just thinking of you this morning on the ride in and thought I'd say hi 😊" I just about lost it, but ... don't text angry.

Stop fucking texting me all the time! Photo Credit.

I wanted to to refer him back to the article for more bullet points. Our communication issues are summed pretty well by several of the bullet from the article: I love being alone (#5), I find friendships needing maintenance exhausting (#8), sometimes I'm bad at messaging (#9), and I don't like compliments (#10). While all of those are true and I'm sure they impact the interactions between us, I think #8 is maybe the most important:

8. YOU FIND FRIENDSHIPS THAT NEED MAINTENANCE EXHAUSTING
The ideal friend for an extroverted introvert is one that isn't demanding.

Friendships that require work, like the kind that need constant attention and communication otherwise that friend gets needy, don't usually last long.

Extroverted introverts are happier seeing each of their friends sporadically, and if months (or even years) go by between hang-outs, it's no big deal... you'll have more to catch up on anyway.

The people I find the most important in my life I talk to less than this guy wants to talk to me. And that, I think, is the real problem. I feel like he's trying to force me into more social contact with him than I want to have. Like asking me out to dinner this Tuesday morning. Good lord, back off! Just because we fixed things up a bit doesn't mean I'm ready to jump back into spending that much time together. I'm pretty sure I didn't want to spend that much time together before we got into ... our spat.

Case in point, the Regularly Scheduled Tuesday Night Activity is canceled on 25 April due to scheduling conflicts; TNG asked me this week, "Is it too early to get on the calendar for the 25th?" Ugh, it's not that it's too early, it's that I don't want to spend time with you. I'm barely okay with talking to you again and you're texting too much and now you want to go something just the two of us? Absolutely not.

The RN: More Car Guy

I swear at the beginning of the month I think I have all the time in world to get another post done, and then I inevitably end up frantically writing the next post the last 3 days of the month. Okay, Car Guy. I really need to work on not giving people too much benefit of the doubt. This guy turned into a terrible headache. Maybe I'm too subtle when telling guys people to back off. But I get REALLY PISSED when people ignore what I say about my boundaries.

As you can probably guess, I decided to give this guy a chance. We had some pretty good conversations over text, so I thought maybe he was just throwing out some weirdness on the first date. (Hint, he wasn't, I should have totally not given him a chance.) The first thing I noticed after we met in person was our communication changed. We used to have entire conversations over text and I was fine with that. After meeting in person, he switched to using texts to see if I was near my phone and then would call me. I don't like this. If we are in the middle of a text conversation, there's no need to call me. Unless it's a complicated topic and it's hard to keep up on text, then I'm fine it. (Or if your my sister and you just need to talk.)

Know your audience. Photo credit.

Then he started calling me if I didn't answer texts right away. This is not okay. There are two main possibilities here, 1) I'm not near my phone or it's off/out of battery, or 2) I didn't answer the text on purpose because I'm busy/don't want to talk right now. Okay, or 3) I'm driving and can't text, but maybe could take a call, but this is a special case and I don't spend that much time in my car. This feels pushy to me.

Speaking of pushy, during a phone call he decides we need to have another date. Does it count as a date when you just get together for a few minutes and then he tries to fuck you in his car? Yes, again ... still. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. So, after getting a vague idea of when I might be available he announces to me that he's coming over to my place and we're fucking for hours. Excuse me? First, I did NOT invite him to my house. Second, I had just gotten a rescue dog a few weeks earlier, and had no idea how she would handle having a new person in the house. Especially one who thinks he's going to control me and fuck me, and probably wants to lock her out of the bedroom for "hours". (Public Service Announcement: this is a terrible thing to do to a new dog, the more you know.🌠) Third, I did not agree to any fucking. Fourth, fucking for "hours" is not fun, it's painful. Fifth, I don't want to spend hours with anyone on a Sunday night, that's my "me" time to get ready for the work week.

By now you all know I'm working on keeping my boundaries. Well after the disaster the date with Tuesday Night Guy turned into, I have a new rule: people don't get to come to my house. Friends? Sure. My sister and her family? Absolutely. Random dude I had been on one date with? Nope, not going to happen. I was a little shaky about it, admittedly; it is a new boundary. And he was super confident and sure in his ... ahem ... request. But, I'm going to pat myself on the back, because I said no. Well, okay, I said, "Maybe not at my place." To which he responded, "Don't you trust me?" Um, no, not really. I just met you. And you wanted to fuck in a car. And I live alone now. So, no, actually I don't trust you to come over to my house at all. Which isn't exactly what I said. I told him, "This is not about trust; it's about my safety, no one gets to come over." Which is true, as far he's concerned.

After getting that all worked out we agreed to meet for drinks near my place. I picked a place which was easily walkable from my house, but no too close because safety. After another conversation not long enough to really be a date, he insists on driving me home. Um, what? I already went over how I feel about being forced to "let him be a gentleman". I got really mad about this. DO NOT force me to accept your gentlemanly gesture.

Car Guy: I'll give you a ride home.
Me: No, thanks, I'm only about a 10 min walk from here.
Car Guy: No, really, I'll give you a ride home.
Me: I don't really need a ride.
Car Guy: You're putting me in a position here.
Me: Uh, okay, but this is unnecessary.

Notice, he did not, in fact, even bother to ASK me. I'm putting him in a position?!?! To what, be an asshole? I walked here all by myself. Truthfully, I ended up walking my dog passed the very bar we were in later that night, so safety really wasn't an issue. News flash, I'm an adult and can take care of myself. It's NOT your responsibility to take care of me. You don't get to control my actions. Ugh. So as it turns out this whole thing about driving me home wasn't about my safety or being a gentleman. It was about him trying to get me to ... you guessed it ... fuck him in his car. I was over that before he tried it the first time. GAH!

I walk my dog almost every day. Photo Credit

Somehow after all that, I still let him talk me into drinks again the following Sunday. Which also happened to be the Sunday before Thanksgiving. He asked me what I was going to do over the holiday and said I was spending it at my sister's house. It's family holiday; in my book, you spend it with family. Well, except that time the DLS and I spent it on the beach in the Caribbean, that's okay too.

Now, I'm going to lay this all out, so it's clear why I got upset at what happened over Thanksgiving. First, if you have been following along for any amount of time, you know I have an issue with men people (friends, coworkers, dates, etc.) trying to control my behavior. Second, as I mentioned in the last blog I very specifically said on our first date I didn't like to be checked in on all the time. Third, I already think this guys is being way too pushy. Fourth, I told him I was spending Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. All this leads to me expecting to spend a long holiday weekend with my sister without being bothered every 10 minutes.

What happens instead? Car Guy. Every 10 minutes. Well, okay, not quite, but still. I got like 27 texts, four phone calls, three voicemails, and two emails. (No, those aren't the real numbers; no, I'm going to go count them.) Not over the course of the whole weekend mind you, this was on Thursday and Friday. When the first text came in Saturday, I sent my break-up text. Which I started writing Saturday morning at 5am when I couldn't sleep through the stress of him constantly trying to get in touch with me. Each attempt to get in touch with me got more panicked and more insistent I respond. The last email said something along the lines of, "Please, I just need to hear from you to know you're okay." No, you don't.

First, I am a 38-year-old woman who has lived her entire life, except the last few weeks, without you even knowing I existed. It's totally realistic to assume I continue to function normally without telling you I'm functioning normally. I did not lose the ability to not die or injure myself just because you haven't hear me say "I'm okay" in the last hour. Second, I told you, repeatedly, I do NOT want to be checked in on. I know there are some people who think this is sweet; I am not one of them. (Did I say that in another blog already? I feel like I have ...) Third, you are interrupting my time with my family. We are not family; we've been on a few dates. This is far too soon into a relationship for you to be this allegedly concerned about my well being. Fourth, by doing this after I specifically asked you not do it, you have just shown me you don't respect my wishes, or me. My response was along the lines of:

Just wow. I thought I was clear I was spending this weekend with my sister. To me spending a holiday with family doesn't include checking my phone; it means spending time with the family I came to visit. I am completely freaked out by the number of messages and phone calls. I do not owe anyone a response to requests for my time or attention. I thought I was clear on how I felt about checking in all the time. I enjoyed the time we spent together, but this isn't working for me. This is over. This is not negotiable. Do not try to contact me again.

So, of course, he responds right away with excuses as why he did it. I have sympathy for what he was going through. He had apparently just had some kind of surgery and was on Oxycontin. That sucks. Doesn't give you a reasons to harass me. You know what's not listed on the common sides effect of Oxycontin? Confusion; disrespecting people's wishes; ignoring people's boundaries; texting consistent, yet "requested you didn't sent this type of texts" texts; random phone use; or a whole host of other things he did. I actually expected the immediate reply. And, if you're going to reply, this is the time. It's not a new conversation and you have a certain expectation to have a chance to explain. Doesn't mean I'm changing my mind though.

What I do mind is the waiting a little while and texting/emailing/messaging me to see if I'm "ready to accept your explanation." I'm not; it's not a good enough explanation for me to change my mind. If I didn't change my mind when you sent the first set of texts explaining what happened, I'm not likely to change it now. I didn't change my mind Saturday when he sent his explanation. I didn't change my mind in December when he texted again. I didn't change my mind over Christmas, when he yet again intruded on family time. By early January, I blocked him on my phone. I kept getting upset when he would say the same tired bullshit over and over again and expect me to think he was worth talking to this time.

Then he sent me a message over social media, on the site we met, in mid January. I got really pissed off. He was pleading to be allowed back in my life. "I unequivocally am "begging" you to let me back into your sphere of potential friendship. I really like your company and would not break your rules for code of conduct." The. Fuck. You. Won't. I already gave you my rule: "This is over. This is not negotiable. Do not try to contact me again." You are clearly fucking ignoring it. So I blocked him on there too. I just want to yell at him, "Get over it! I said NO!"

Now we're caught up to mid Jan. Next month's episode: why I stop talking to Tuesday Night Guy. Or rather, why he stopped talking to me, you know, I after I demanded he respect my boundaries.

The RN: Can We Please be Reasonable?

January's dating blog ... started in early December, so only about a month behind on real info...

We left off with me about to go on a first date. It went both better and worse than Tuesday Night Guy (TNG). Better in that Car Guy (this will make sense later) got all the way to date number three; worse in that he's been totally cut off. Yes, that means I still see TNG every Tuesday. Yes, things are still a bit awkward, but I honestly think he's trying to make it not awkward.

Okay, Car Guy. Our first date started off well, but got a bit weird near the end. In retrospect, I can see some red flags indicators things weren't going to go well. Qualifier: we had been talking online and texting for a while before we met in person. First, all of about 5 minutes into the date he asks me if I like him. I was a little taken a back, I mean I did just meet him in person. I stumbled around a bit and was like I just sat down. Hindsight, he was asking if I thought he was hot. Anyone who has been following along knows I don't judge quickly on looks. I judge slowly on how you treat me. This was also the hint (and, yep, I totally missed it at the time) about how insecure he turned out to be.

He didn't have this name tag. It would've helped though. Photo Credit

I'm not trying to judge him for being insecure, but when it ends up leaking all over me; I don't like it. I know we all have issues and insecurities, but there's a difference between having insecurities and being insecure. I have insecurities; for example, I have always thought I have ugly knees. I am not insecure; for example, I don't give a rat's ass if a guy I met 5 minutes ago thinks I'm fuckable likeable. Does this mean I don't care about the date? No. If I didn't care I wouldn't have gone on the date. It does mean if the date doesn't go well, I'm fine, we just didn't work out.

We settled into slightly awkward conversation; it was a first date after all. Things went mostly fine. The next thing I notice, of course in retrospect — I really am out of practice — was his response when I said I wasn't looking for a long-term, serious relationship since I was just getting back into dating. This is true, I'm not looking to marry the next guy I go on a date with. Is there a remote chance the next I meet and go out with will become my husband? Sure, but there's also a chance I'll randomly find a winning lottery ticket laying on the ground too. I'm not searching for a husband; I'm just starting to date again and I want a chance to get out there a little bit. (Irony, getting out there makes me want to stop dating because jerks.)

So, his response to me saying I wasn't ready for a long-term, serious relationship was, "Oh, just a physical relationship, then?" At the time I was like, "Uh, sure." I mean I guess that's what I meant by what I said. Wait. That's not what I said at all. And there's the red flag. What kind of 45 year-old man thinks then next step down from a long-term, serious relationship is hooking up? Car Guy, that's who. (Can you guess yet why I'm calling him Car Guy?) Now I realize my response was probably complicit in the next little fun adventure I'll tell you about, but truthfully I was whole unprepared for a question like that. I mean does no one date causally any more? Like just go out and do stuff together and get to know each other? Without it being a "waste" of time since we're not hooking up or on the path to marriage with 2.6 kids?

There has to be an option between these 2 ...

After a bit more awkward conversation, he says it's late and needs to get heading home. A few things 1) I drove almost an hour through rush hour traffic to bufu suburbia to meet him. 2) I left work almost 2 hours early to make it at what he apparently considered a reasonable time. 3) We had barely been there for an hour. 4) It was not even 7:30pm when he said it was late. I mean, come on. Is there something in the water in suburbia? (Hey sis, I'm thinking you agree 7:30 is late for a Wednesday night?) I hadn't even had dinner yet.

That's when he hits me with, the real reason he wanted to leave, "So, do you want to fuck in my car?" Excuse me?!?!? No, I do NOT want to fuck in your car. I swear this is the stupidest thing these boys (if they were men, they wouldn't be asking about having sex in a car) have asked while I've been dating. Do I look like a 16-year-old? No? How about a college kid with dorm room and a roommate? No? What? I look like a fucking adult who, in fact, owns her own bed? Then stop asking me to fuck you in a car. Jesus Fucking Christ!

Since I'm rarely as forward (or angry) out loud as I am in my head, while I declined to fuck him in his car, we still went back to his car and made out a bit. Note: there are far fewer lights in giant suburbia parking lots than there are in urban parking garages, so there's that at least. But cars are cramped and small when trying to take clothes off, and there's usually people walking by. I'm not 20 anymore I don't really enjoy "the challenge" of getting undressed and redressed in a parked car. And while I'm not super worried about getting caught, I also don't want a public indecency ticket I have to report to security at work.

Fine. (Yes, that's the angry fine and something really is wrong.) Whatever. Then we hit the red flags I actually did notice that night. Okay, first one, I didn't see it was related to the whole insecurity thing at the time, but I still didn't like it and it didn't sit right with me. He "made" me promise to see him him again. UGH! No! Stop this! Even if I say what you want to hear, I am in no way going to take this promise seriously. You have coerced me into saying it in the first place. The conversation went something like this:

Car Guy: Did you have a good time tonight?
Me: Yeah, thanks.
Car Guy: Are you going to see me again?
Me: Sure.
Car Guy: Promise?
Me: Uh, yeah, I guess.

Nothing about this exchange made me happy. If you are genuinely interested if I had a good time, then by all means ask me. If you are looking for an ego validation or for me to validate your self worth, that is not my responsibility, especially not on a first date. This type of manipulation is terrible, for both of us. For me, because now I'm uncomfortable and I don't know if I should trust you when you are clearly trying to guilt me into seeing you again. And for you, because you shouldn't trust something I say after you have goaded me into saying it.

Next came the obligatory, "let me walk you to your car." Apparently this is the gentlemanly thing to do, but, good lord, I am a fully functioning adult member of society. My car was almost directly across the aisle from his; I can actually walk like 25 feet without an escort. Maybe it's since I was raised out West and this isn't as common out there. The Ex never did this to for me, maybe that's because he's a jerk. But I find this so annoying most of the time. You want to be a gentleman? That's fine with me, offer to walk to my car. Two things though, 1) don't argue with me if I decline, and 2) announcing you are gentleman and then forcing me to do something is not okay. Any time you announce you are being a gentleman as a reason for your actions, you are, in fact, not being gentlemanly, but I digress.

I'm not even kidding we were parked that close. Photo Credit

Where was I? Oh, yes, then he walked me to my car. I didn't technically decline, but I was like, "It's right there, you could just watch me walk over there." He walked me to my car and started sucking on my face kissing me again. What is this? You want to kiss me goodbye? Fine ... mostly. But do NOT try to restart a make out session while we're standing outside. Especially, if we've just made out and we've mutually decided it's time to leave and I'm trying to get in my car. This makes me feel like you want to show people you own me. Which I am totally not okay with.

I finally get my tongue back and get in my car. I should probably mention before I go on, I stated very clearly during this date I was independent and didn't need to be taken care of. This specifically includes ensuring I got home okay all the time. I get it, it's the whole little sister thing. There is something about me, or my behavior, which makes people think of me as their little sister who needs to be watched after. Let me tell you how tiring this is. I decide to take an Uber home at 11pm because I'm tired? Everybody wants a text saying I made it. The Window Shopper wants to walk home 5 miles at 4am? Well, that's just her being her; no need to worry.

Even though I was now going reverse commute direction and it was late enough for most of the traffic to have cleared out, it took me a while to get home. And before I was even close to home Car Guy had called me to see if I had made it home safely. Needless to say I was not amused. Also, now I'm driving and talking (hands-free) on my phone on the freeway. Yeah, that's a great way to make sure I get home safe. Then he claimed it was a joke ... ha ha, not funny. At the time I had no reason not to believe him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Even after he asked me to call or text him when I made it home.

Now I'm done hindsight ranting about the first date. This got really long, so I'm thinking the second and third date stories need to be in the next blog. Which, I'm starting now, so it should be out later this month. Fingers crossed ...

The RN: Happy New Year!

Photo Credit

I seem to having trouble actually publishing any blogs these last few months. I have started at least 4 separate blogs, but I can't seem to finish them. So, my New Year's Resolution is to publish at least one blog entry a month this year. About actual dating topics (mostly). January's is already started ...

The RN: It Turns Out ... I'm Still Jaded

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been terrible lately about blogging. Even just once a month. Excuses, excuses, excuses, you've heard them all before.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we left off at the movie date. Never heard from the guy again. Didn't really expect to or want to honestly. I think it was likely just not a match on either side. No harm, no foul.

I went on another first date. I met him at my normally scheduled Tuesday night out-of-the-house activity. And I don't know if that was a good thing or not. We met and then a few weeks later we left at the same time and ended up on the corner talking for like 3 hours. At least I didn't have to worry about getting to know him. The next day he messaged me to see if I wanted to go to dinner. I had randomly worked from home that day and was getting a little restless in the house, so I said sure.

Wednesday:
We had a really good dinner and neither of us was really ready for the evening to end, so instead of looking up places open later than the restaurant and hanging out some more, like anyone in their right mind would have done, I let him talk me into coming back to my place. (I know, you don't have lecture me on why this is a bad idea, I already know. And it will become abundantly clear in this blog why this was bad idea.) I wasn't specifically uncomfortable with him being there, or any of the making out (I said making out, you all know I would admit to having sex) that happened, but somehow I still ended the night a bit giddy and a lot annoyed.

I would like to point out it is not attractive to be super self-conscious about what is happening. I get it; it had been a while for him and he was nervous. I understand; it has been a while for me too. This was the first guy I had even so much as kissed in almost 2 years. (Ugh, that sounds like forever.)

I was probably avoiding this for too long.

The first couple few times he said it, I was fine with it. By the time it got to like the tenth time he mentioned it had a been a while, I was starting to get irritated. Like, "I already heard you the last 15 times, please shut up, right now!" irritated. This is, in essence, telling me you think I think you're bad at this. I don't, or at least I didn't until you started telling me I should. This was super unattractive and I had more than enough of it by the end of the night.

I was tired and ready for him to leave well before he left. I was ready for him to go so I could go to bed and he's like, "let's start kissing again." When I finally convinced him I needed him to go so I go to bed, I asked, as I would ask anyone leaving my place after having been there a while, if he had his phone, wallet, and keys. To which he responded, "Are you trying to make sure I don't come back?" I was speechless. 1) WTF? Is leaving and then coming back even a thing? 2) Yes! DO NOT come back! I have just told you I'm tired and I'm going to bed. How rude can you get? You think your need to spend another 5, 10, 15 min with me is more important than me sleeping? 3) It's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning I have 5 ¾ hours before I have to be up and at the gym. 4) GET THE FUCK OUT! 5) Why are you still here? I wanted you to leave like forever ago.

My front door does NOT look like this.

I took a deep breath, reminded myself not to be rude, and said, "I am about to pass out. Once you leave you won't be able to wake me up to get your stuff." Which was as polite I could get and no where near the yelling at him that I was doing in my head. Then, he tries to kiss me like another 500 times. Which, frankly, just pissed me off more at this point. Then, then, he fucking says, "I don't always pick up on social cues, but it seems like maybe you don't want me to leave." I seriously almost lost it at this point. But I took another deep breath and said, "No, I really need to sleep, so you have to go." Then I practically pushed him out the door. People, do not do this! Do not make me get overly blunt to get you to leave, just GTFO.

Maybe this is just my problem. Maybe other people play games about saying you should go when they want you to stay, or whatever. But I don't. And maybe it's unfair of me to judge him for not knowing me well enough, but this is a terrible game. When I say leave, you should leave. If anyone is playing a game where you say leave and you don't mean leave; STOP PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW! You're making it horrible for the rest of us. Maybe my mom's idea of rude verse polite is far too nice these days and people aren't picking on my polite ways of telling them to go.

Okay, deep breath. Even after all that I was still pretty giddy when I went to sleep that night. Looking back, I wasn't really happy with how much he pushed that night, but it I was still high on hormones when I went to bed. And, then ... then he proceeded to get himself added to the creepy list.

What? Not everyone has a Minecraft© sized box of Creepers?
Photo Credit

Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down. I get there's NRE and you're excited, but no, this is not anywhere near calm. First let me start with saying, I thought I was very clear I didn't want or need anyone to take care of me. I don't want someone checking up on me all the time; it makes me feel smothered. I understand many girls (and guys) think this is sweet and crave that kind of attention. I am not one of them. Second, I do not check my phone while I'm at work. I get that is also not normal, but it is what it is. If I don't check my phone for my mom (hi, mom) when she texts me, I'm certainly not checking for some guy I've been out with once.

Thursday:
He texted me in the middle of afternoon on Thursday to see if he "was the only one distracted from work today." Um, I'm kind of glad I didn't this text right away, because my gut reaction was, "Yes." I was tired; I didn't get enough sleep the night before, because someone wouldn't leave my house. And also, I compartmentalize my life pretty well. I don't really allow myself to swoon over anyone while I'm at work. I need to think about and concentrate on my work. Now this alone didn't put him in the afore mentioned Creeper Box. He also texted me the minute I got home (pretty sure this timing was a coincidence) asking if he could come over and see me again. Dude, I already essentially said no to this when I said I might be able to get together again Sunday. At least to me, this would imply Sunday is the first day I can see you again. And since it was such a chore for me to get him out the door the night before, I really didn't want to deal with that again on top of everything else.

Busy, can't talk. Definitely can't swoon.

Friday:
Next he invited me to happy hour with "all his friends" on Friday. Dude, we have been on one date, I'm totally not ready to meet your friends. I'm going to pause here a second, because this one really bothered me. This is an important distinction: I want to meet your friends because you are excited about me meeting them, not because you want to show me off to them. Yes, he actually used those words at one point. When you want to show me off to them, you are treating me like a trophy; "Look, here's what I won." I am a person; you didn't win me. You're not a great hunter for having "captured me." This make me feel like I don't matter. This is about you showing off to your friends. This is not something nice people do; this is something Nice Guys do. I want to meet your friends when you are interested in seeing how these two parts of your life fit together. I want to be part of what works in your life and you're nervous about how this meeting is going to go. If you are showing me off, I'm not what's important; impressing your friends is what's important. Nobody likes to feel like that. I think the best way I have heard this described is, "You like the idea of me more than you like me."

Saturday:
I was watching football with some friends. I wasn't ready to call this a total loss yet, so I texted him and asked how his happy hour had gone. We chatted back and forth, I talked about my 10 mile race the next day and I mentioned my quads were sore from my personal trainer on Thursday morning. So, he immediately went into problem solving mode. Which I get is a guy thing, but I was just making small talk. He sends me an article about why runners might have sore quads; keep in mind I had already said I was sore from my PT on Thursday, my legs were not sore from running. (P.S. I later realized my PT intentionally worked my quads on Thursday so I wouldn't push myself during the 10 miler, since I had a half marathon the next weekend. Sneaky bastard, I'm on to him now.) Next, he offers to come over and massage my quads. At this point I starting asking the people watching football with me if I'm being crazy or if this is too much. General consensus? It's too much after only having had one date. Okay, good to know; I'm not alone in my thinking. I feel like this was a ploy to 1) get back into my house, and 2) get his hands back on me in an "oops, I didn't mean to try stick my fingers in your vagina" kind of way. This is where my BACK THE FUCK OFF really started to kick in. I find it hard to believe the making out we did 3 days earlier was so amazing he's now desperate to get his hands back on me. I'm more than willing to believe he hadn't made out with anyone in a long time and just wanted to get his hands back on someone and he thought since we just had, I'd still be willing. And that's where he lost me. Maybe because I'm just that jaded.

Jaded Dragon, Jaded Dater

So, I talked to him the following Tuesday and said we had to slow things way down. And he said he was fine with that. And then, I really think this is all me here, I kept feeling pressure to spend time with him. I finally sent him a text (because I didn't think it was fair to drag it out any longer and I didn't want to see him again that week) saying I couldn't date him. We could be friends, if he wanted, but I wasn't as emotionally ready to date I thought I was and all I could offer was friendship. And then he asked me to dinner and wine the next night. I was like OMG! And he's already invited me to a party at his friend's house in December. Don't worry, I'm not going. I don't want to make it awkward (probably it's too late for that because he's made it awkward for me), but at this point all I really want to do is see him at the regularly scheduled Tuesday night out-of-the-house activity, and that's all. I haven't exactly said it that plainly to him, but I realize whatever it is he wants, I can't give it to him.

I was hoping my first real foray back into dating would have been a little more smooth, but this seems like par for my course. So, clearly I have another first date with a different guy on Thursday. Everybody wish me good luck.

The RN: Dating Again?

Let me start with, "Sorry I've been so bad about writing blogs lately." July and August were insane:

• High-school reunion, on the other side of the country
• Talked my sister into her first 5K, yay me!
• Spent nearly two-weeks moving
• The PoolBoy and I were roommates for 8 years, the last 6 of which we were in the same place. There were far too many tangled ownership issues - we literally forgot who owned what.
• And my parents came to help, thank goodness I needed the extra hands
• Had surgery (maybe more on this later), mom stayed for this too
• PoolBoy and I spent nearly two weeks visiting a former roommate in Australia and New Zealand

So, it's been a little busy the last 6-7 weeks around here. And blogging got lost in the shuffle. Sorry.

Apparently, I have officially started dating again. I went on a first date last weekend. It was ... alright. I think I'm out of practice. So I met him at a Happy Hour/Birthday Bar Crawl thing the weekend before through a Meetup group I joined recently. It was the Meetup Organizer's birthday and he turned the normal Thursday Happy Hour into a Saturday Bar Crawl for his birthday. Perfectly normal thing to do.

Happy Hour, Bar Crawl, same difference.

The Date (he's too new to have a nickname yet) and I talked a bit at a couple of the bars on the crawl were he indicated his interest and I said sure I'd go on a date with him. But I didn't really think anything of it, I mean not every guy I talk to actually gets a hold of me for a date. Plus we all know I'm not usually thinking about being date-able, especially lately. Since, I had been back from Australia for all of 14 hours, I only went to three of the bars and then headed home. This also lead to him being a ... bit more intoxicated than I was. So I really wasn't sure how serious he was about the whole thing. I didn't give him my number, not because I wouldn't have, but because he never actually asked me for it. Although I will allow for the fact it seemed at least half the people at the bar crawl thought I couldn't possibly leave that early. Surprise, I don't stay out later than I want to, even if the means leaving at 6pm on Saturday. It's one of my new take-care-of-yourself policies, don't do things I don't want to do/leave when I'm no longer having a good time.

The point being, he probably thought he had more time to ask for my number. Nonetheless, the following Sunday (8 days later, not the next day) he messages me via Meetup to see if I wanted to see a movie. Feeling a little tired of unpacking and organizing, I was fine going even with the short notice. And I do mean short notice, I had approximately 7 minutes to get ready and leave my house to not be late. In case you were wondering, I was 3 minutes late, but he had built in a 15 min buffer so everything was fine.

I was really close to being on time.

Here's the thing, I didn't really mind the last minute "can you do something?" But, I didn't really get ... anything out of the date. Let me explain. We drove separately, met at the theater, didn't get any snacks (Boo! At the movies and no popcorn), went to our seats, watched a movie, and then left in separate cars. We had maybe 10 minutes of talking at our seats before the loud ads started for the movie. So ... like ... I didn't really get to know him any better in any meaningful way. I mean he picked a good movie to see. I was laughing out loud ... a lot. I enjoyed seeing the movie, but ... without any conversation the date didn't do anything to help me get to know him. So, it kind of felt like it was ... useless. If we had lunch after the movie or something, then we would have had a chance to talk and maybe get to know each other better ... or something.

So basically this date did nothing to help me decide either he's awesome and I want to spend more time with him or he's creepy, annoying, enraging, or whatever and I don't want to spend more time with him. Like I said it was kind of pointless as a date. I got to see a good movie, but, you know. I guess if he asks me out for second date I'll go if it's not seeing a movie without any other plans. Because while seeing a movie on his dime is nice, it doesn't seem right to go keep seeing movies and not know if I like him or not.

The whole thing just seems weird to me. Maybe I really am that out of practice, but how am I supposed to decide if I like him, if I'm not getting to know him?

The RN: Participation Trophy Temper Tantrums

I generally try not to be political and I try to stick to topics at least partially related to dating. You know, since that's what we started this blog to talk about. But, well, let's face it, my dating life recently (does 2 years count as recently?) has been a little lack luster. So today I'm going to get a ... little political. Hopefully not boring political, but political nonetheless.

First, I'd like to state my heart goes out to all the victims, those close to them, and their losses in the stories I am about to talk about.

Photo Credit

I'm noticing a ... trend in ... a lot of headlines lately. Someone is always shooting up something and killing a lot of people. And to me (maybe these are just the stories I remember) it seem as though many of these shootings have to do with young men (stereotype, I know) shooting up people because they didn't get their way. Girls won't sleep with you? Shoot them up. Don't like your job? Shoot them up. Don't want to do your job? Shoot them up. Paranoid the police are watching you? Shoot them up. Family won't give you the bible you want? Shoot them up. Wish you were Batman? Go to a theater, and shoot them up. Don't want to be gay? Go to the club, and shoot them up. Columbine, Sandy Hook, Northern Illinois University, Virginia Tech, the list goes on.

My intention here is not to be callous about any of these events. Merely to point out how many of them there are. Did a single one of you need to look up the list at the end? While these events have started some important conversations in our country, and made us all look at things in a hard light, I can't help but think, these incidents all seem to stem from one person feeling like another person, or group, was not giving said person enough ... respect, opportunity, sex, you name it.

I'm reminded of a two-year-old's temper tantrum in a grocery store, "BUT, I WANT THE CANDY BAR! YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO ME! IT'S NOT FAIR! I SHOULD GET IT BECAUSE I WANT IT; I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU TO WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME! I EARNED IT JUST BY WANTING IT!" (Hello? Stanford rapist, anyone?) I'm not sure if there is a common root to all this violence, but I don't see how rewarding people for showing up, having a "ceremony" for graduating every grade, and having a free, trophy girl at the end of every video game level can help.

Real life doesn't work that way. You don't get a promotion and raise for showing up to your job every day. You don't even get a promotion and raise for doing your job well everyday. You have to show the company you are worth more than they are paying you. Do your job so well the company is concerned you'll decide to work somewhere else, and they reward you to keep you working there. You have to work for it and you have to earn it. Just showing up is not enough in real life.

A graduation "ceremony" at every grade level ceases to be a ceremony:

ceremony (n): the ritual observances and procedures performed at grand and formal occasions.

When you do it every year, no one thinks it's grand; it's normal. Nothing happening that often is treated as formal; it's run-of-the-mill, everyday ... the same. You're not making every year special; you're making no year special. You are teaching us as a society we should be rewarded for showing up. Not for giving our best, not for truly accomplishing something, just for showing up. And then the harsh reality of life outside of school sets in ... and no one is prepared. No one has been told, "No." No one has learned how to deal with disappointment, failure, other people ... their own emotions. It's quite sad, to have been so cruel as to take away the ability to live life by cushioning every blow. Real life is mean ... and wonderful.

In the real world, girls (pardon the CIS-gender perspective here) don't just fall into your lap because you jumped over the lava and beat the dragon. (I'll always be a Mario fan.) We are complex creatures in our own right. We also have hopes and dreams and goals we're trying to accomplish. We have our own lava to jump over and our own dragons to beat. We are not your prize; you are not our prize. We won't sleep with you just because you showed up. You have to earn our affection. Don't try to take our controller away (OMG, this analogy is never ending ... sorry ... kind of), we want to jump over our own lava and beat our own dragons. We like the challenge. We like the sense of accomplishment, just like you do. Want to start a 2-player game? Now you're talking.

Working together? I can get behind that.