(We don't know where we'll end up ... but we're all starting at single.)

Monday, January 9, 2017

The RN: Can We Please be Reasonable?

January's dating blog ... started in early December, so only about a month behind on real info...

We left off with me about to go on a first date. It went both better and worse than Tuesday Night Guy (TNG). Better in that Car Guy (this will make sense later) got all the way to date number three; worse in that he's been totally cut off. Yes, that means I still see TNG every Tuesday. Yes, things are still a bit awkward, but I honestly think he's trying to make it not awkward.

Okay, Car Guy. Our first date started off well, but got a bit weird near the end. In retrospect, I can see some red flags indicators things weren't going to go well. Qualifier: we had been talking online and texting for a while before we met in person. First, all of about 5 minutes into the date he asks me if I like him. I was a little taken a back, I mean I did just meet him in person. I stumbled around a bit and was like I just sat down. Hindsight, he was asking if I thought he was hot. Anyone who has been following along knows I don't judge quickly on looks. I judge slowly on how you treat me. This was also the hint (and, yep, I totally missed it at the time) about how insecure he turned out to be.

He didn't have this name tag. It would've helped though. Photo Credit

I'm not trying to judge him for being insecure, but when it ends up leaking all over me; I don't like it. I know we all have issues and insecurities, but there's a difference between having insecurities and being insecure. I have insecurities; for example, I have always thought I have ugly knees. I am not insecure; for example, I don't give a rat's ass if a guy I met 5 minutes ago thinks I'm fuckable likeable. Does this mean I don't care about the date? No. If I didn't care I wouldn't have gone on the date. It does mean if the date doesn't go well, I'm fine, we just didn't work out.

We settled into slightly awkward conversation; it was a first date after all. Things went mostly fine. The next thing I notice, of course in retrospect — I really am out of practice — was his response when I said I wasn't looking for a long-term, serious relationship since I was just getting back into dating. This is true, I'm not looking to marry the next guy I go on a date with. Is there a remote chance the next I meet and go out with will become my husband? Sure, but there's also a chance I'll randomly find a winning lottery ticket laying on the ground too. I'm not searching for a husband; I'm just starting to date again and I want a chance to get out there a little bit. (Irony, getting out there makes me want to stop dating because jerks.)

So, his response to me saying I wasn't ready for a long-term, serious relationship was, "Oh, just a physical relationship, then?" At the time I was like, "Uh, sure." I mean I guess that's what I meant by what I said. Wait. That's not what I said at all. And there's the red flag. What kind of 45 year-old man thinks then next step down from a long-term, serious relationship is hooking up? Car Guy, that's who. (Can you guess yet why I'm calling him Car Guy?) Now I realize my response was probably complicit in the next little fun adventure I'll tell you about, but truthfully I was whole unprepared for a question like that. I mean does no one date causally any more? Like just go out and do stuff together and get to know each other? Without it being a "waste" of time since we're not hooking up or on the path to marriage with 2.6 kids?

There has to be an option between these 2 ...

After a bit more awkward conversation, he says it's late and needs to get heading home. A few things 1) I drove almost an hour through rush hour traffic to bufu suburbia to meet him. 2) I left work almost 2 hours early to make it at what he apparently considered a reasonable time. 3) We had barely been there for an hour. 4) It was not even 7:30pm when he said it was late. I mean, come on. Is there something in the water in suburbia? (Hey sis, I'm thinking you agree 7:30 is late for a Wednesday night?) I hadn't even had dinner yet.

That's when he hits me with, the real reason he wanted to leave, "So, do you want to fuck in my car?" Excuse me?!?!? No, I do NOT want to fuck in your car. I swear this is the stupidest thing these boys (if they were men, they wouldn't be asking about having sex in a car) have asked while I've been dating. Do I look like a 16-year-old? No? How about a college kid with dorm room and a roommate? No? What? I look like a fucking adult who, in fact, owns her own bed? Then stop asking me to fuck you in a car. Jesus Fucking Christ!

Since I'm rarely as forward (or angry) out loud as I am in my head, while I declined to fuck him in his car, we still went back to his car and made out a bit. Note: there are far fewer lights in giant suburbia parking lots than there are in urban parking garages, so there's that at least. But cars are cramped and small when trying to take clothes off, and there's usually people walking by. I'm not 20 anymore I don't really enjoy "the challenge" of getting undressed and redressed in a parked car. And while I'm not super worried about getting caught, I also don't want a public indecency ticket I have to report to security at work.

Fine. (Yes, that's the angry fine and something really is wrong.) Whatever. Then we hit the red flags I actually did notice that night. Okay, first one, I didn't see it was related to the whole insecurity thing at the time, but I still didn't like it and it didn't sit right with me. He "made" me promise to see him him again. UGH! No! Stop this! Even if I say what you want to hear, I am in no way going to take this promise seriously. You have coerced me into saying it in the first place. The conversation went something like this:

Car Guy: Did you have a good time tonight?
Me: Yeah, thanks.
Car Guy: Are you going to see me again?
Me: Sure.
Car Guy: Promise?
Me: Uh, yeah, I guess.

Nothing about this exchange made me happy. If you are genuinely interested if I had a good time, then by all means ask me. If you are looking for an ego validation or for me to validate your self worth, that is not my responsibility, especially not on a first date. This type of manipulation is terrible, for both of us. For me, because now I'm uncomfortable and I don't know if I should trust you when you are clearly trying to guilt me into seeing you again. And for you, because you shouldn't trust something I say after you have goaded me into saying it.

Next came the obligatory, "let me walk you to your car." Apparently this is the gentlemanly thing to do, but, good lord, I am a fully functioning adult member of society. My car was almost directly across the aisle from his; I can actually walk like 25 feet without an escort. Maybe it's since I was raised out West and this isn't as common out there. The Ex never did this to for me, maybe that's because he's a jerk. But I find this so annoying most of the time. You want to be a gentleman? That's fine with me, offer to walk to my car. Two things though, 1) don't argue with me if I decline, and 2) announcing you are gentleman and then forcing me to do something is not okay. Any time you announce you are being a gentleman as a reason for your actions, you are, in fact, not being gentlemanly, but I digress.

I'm not even kidding we were parked that close. Photo Credit

Where was I? Oh, yes, then he walked me to my car. I didn't technically decline, but I was like, "It's right there, you could just watch me walk over there." He walked me to my car and started sucking on my face kissing me again. What is this? You want to kiss me goodbye? Fine ... mostly. But do NOT try to restart a make out session while we're standing outside. Especially, if we've just made out and we've mutually decided it's time to leave and I'm trying to get in my car. This makes me feel like you want to show people you own me. Which I am totally not okay with.

I finally get my tongue back and get in my car. I should probably mention before I go on, I stated very clearly during this date I was independent and didn't need to be taken care of. This specifically includes ensuring I got home okay all the time. I get it, it's the whole little sister thing. There is something about me, or my behavior, which makes people think of me as their little sister who needs to be watched after. Let me tell you how tiring this is. I decide to take an Uber home at 11pm because I'm tired? Everybody wants a text saying I made it. The Window Shopper wants to walk home 5 miles at 4am? Well, that's just her being her; no need to worry.

Even though I was now going reverse commute direction and it was late enough for most of the traffic to have cleared out, it took me a while to get home. And before I was even close to home Car Guy had called me to see if I had made it home safely. Needless to say I was not amused. Also, now I'm driving and talking (hands-free) on my phone on the freeway. Yeah, that's a great way to make sure I get home safe. Then he claimed it was a joke ... ha ha, not funny. At the time I had no reason not to believe him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Even after he asked me to call or text him when I made it home.

Now I'm done hindsight ranting about the first date. This got really long, so I'm thinking the second and third date stories need to be in the next blog. Which, I'm starting now, so it should be out later this month. Fingers crossed ...

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