(We don't know where we'll end up ... but we're all starting at single.)

Monday, October 31, 2016

The RN: It Turns Out ... I'm Still Jaded

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been terrible lately about blogging. Even just once a month. Excuses, excuses, excuses, you've heard them all before.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we left off at the movie date. Never heard from the guy again. Didn't really expect to or want to honestly. I think it was likely just not a match on either side. No harm, no foul.

I went on another first date. I met him at my normally scheduled Tuesday night out-of-the-house activity. And I don't know if that was a good thing or not. We met and then a few weeks later we left at the same time and ended up on the corner talking for like 3 hours. At least I didn't have to worry about getting to know him. The next day he messaged me to see if I wanted to go to dinner. I had randomly worked from home that day and was getting a little restless in the house, so I said sure.

Wednesday:
We had a really good dinner and neither of us was really ready for the evening to end, so instead of looking up places open later than the restaurant and hanging out some more, like anyone in their right mind would have done, I let him talk me into coming back to my place. (I know, you don't have lecture me on why this is a bad idea, I already know. And it will become abundantly clear in this blog why this was bad idea.) I wasn't specifically uncomfortable with him being there, or any of the making out (I said making out, you all know I would admit to having sex) that happened, but somehow I still ended the night a bit giddy and a lot annoyed.

I would like to point out it is not attractive to be super self-conscious about what is happening. I get it; it had been a while for him and he was nervous. I understand; it has been a while for me too. This was the first guy I had even so much as kissed in almost 2 years. (Ugh, that sounds like forever.)

I was probably avoiding this for too long.

The first couple few times he said it, I was fine with it. By the time it got to like the tenth time he mentioned it had a been a while, I was starting to get irritated. Like, "I already heard you the last 15 times, please shut up, right now!" irritated. This is, in essence, telling me you think I think you're bad at this. I don't, or at least I didn't until you started telling me I should. This was super unattractive and I had more than enough of it by the end of the night.

I was tired and ready for him to leave well before he left. I was ready for him to go so I could go to bed and he's like, "let's start kissing again." When I finally convinced him I needed him to go so I go to bed, I asked, as I would ask anyone leaving my place after having been there a while, if he had his phone, wallet, and keys. To which he responded, "Are you trying to make sure I don't come back?" I was speechless. 1) WTF? Is leaving and then coming back even a thing? 2) Yes! DO NOT come back! I have just told you I'm tired and I'm going to bed. How rude can you get? You think your need to spend another 5, 10, 15 min with me is more important than me sleeping? 3) It's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning I have 5 ¾ hours before I have to be up and at the gym. 4) GET THE FUCK OUT! 5) Why are you still here? I wanted you to leave like forever ago.

My front door does NOT look like this.

I took a deep breath, reminded myself not to be rude, and said, "I am about to pass out. Once you leave you won't be able to wake me up to get your stuff." Which was as polite I could get and no where near the yelling at him that I was doing in my head. Then, he tries to kiss me like another 500 times. Which, frankly, just pissed me off more at this point. Then, then, he fucking says, "I don't always pick up on social cues, but it seems like maybe you don't want me to leave." I seriously almost lost it at this point. But I took another deep breath and said, "No, I really need to sleep, so you have to go." Then I practically pushed him out the door. People, do not do this! Do not make me get overly blunt to get you to leave, just GTFO.

Maybe this is just my problem. Maybe other people play games about saying you should go when they want you to stay, or whatever. But I don't. And maybe it's unfair of me to judge him for not knowing me well enough, but this is a terrible game. When I say leave, you should leave. If anyone is playing a game where you say leave and you don't mean leave; STOP PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW! You're making it horrible for the rest of us. Maybe my mom's idea of rude verse polite is far too nice these days and people aren't picking on my polite ways of telling them to go.

Okay, deep breath. Even after all that I was still pretty giddy when I went to sleep that night. Looking back, I wasn't really happy with how much he pushed that night, but it I was still high on hormones when I went to bed. And, then ... then he proceeded to get himself added to the creepy list.

What? Not everyone has a Minecraft© sized box of Creepers?
Photo Credit

Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down. I get there's NRE and you're excited, but no, this is not anywhere near calm. First let me start with saying, I thought I was very clear I didn't want or need anyone to take care of me. I don't want someone checking up on me all the time; it makes me feel smothered. I understand many girls (and guys) think this is sweet and crave that kind of attention. I am not one of them. Second, I do not check my phone while I'm at work. I get that is also not normal, but it is what it is. If I don't check my phone for my mom (hi, mom) when she texts me, I'm certainly not checking for some guy I've been out with once.

Thursday:
He texted me in the middle of afternoon on Thursday to see if he "was the only one distracted from work today." Um, I'm kind of glad I didn't this text right away, because my gut reaction was, "Yes." I was tired; I didn't get enough sleep the night before, because someone wouldn't leave my house. And also, I compartmentalize my life pretty well. I don't really allow myself to swoon over anyone while I'm at work. I need to think about and concentrate on my work. Now this alone didn't put him in the afore mentioned Creeper Box. He also texted me the minute I got home (pretty sure this timing was a coincidence) asking if he could come over and see me again. Dude, I already essentially said no to this when I said I might be able to get together again Sunday. At least to me, this would imply Sunday is the first day I can see you again. And since it was such a chore for me to get him out the door the night before, I really didn't want to deal with that again on top of everything else.

Busy, can't talk. Definitely can't swoon.

Friday:
Next he invited me to happy hour with "all his friends" on Friday. Dude, we have been on one date, I'm totally not ready to meet your friends. I'm going to pause here a second, because this one really bothered me. This is an important distinction: I want to meet your friends because you are excited about me meeting them, not because you want to show me off to them. Yes, he actually used those words at one point. When you want to show me off to them, you are treating me like a trophy; "Look, here's what I won." I am a person; you didn't win me. You're not a great hunter for having "captured me." This make me feel like I don't matter. This is about you showing off to your friends. This is not something nice people do; this is something Nice Guys do. I want to meet your friends when you are interested in seeing how these two parts of your life fit together. I want to be part of what works in your life and you're nervous about how this meeting is going to go. If you are showing me off, I'm not what's important; impressing your friends is what's important. Nobody likes to feel like that. I think the best way I have heard this described is, "You like the idea of me more than you like me."

Saturday:
I was watching football with some friends. I wasn't ready to call this a total loss yet, so I texted him and asked how his happy hour had gone. We chatted back and forth, I talked about my 10 mile race the next day and I mentioned my quads were sore from my personal trainer on Thursday morning. So, he immediately went into problem solving mode. Which I get is a guy thing, but I was just making small talk. He sends me an article about why runners might have sore quads; keep in mind I had already said I was sore from my PT on Thursday, my legs were not sore from running. (P.S. I later realized my PT intentionally worked my quads on Thursday so I wouldn't push myself during the 10 miler, since I had a half marathon the next weekend. Sneaky bastard, I'm on to him now.) Next, he offers to come over and massage my quads. At this point I starting asking the people watching football with me if I'm being crazy or if this is too much. General consensus? It's too much after only having had one date. Okay, good to know; I'm not alone in my thinking. I feel like this was a ploy to 1) get back into my house, and 2) get his hands back on me in an "oops, I didn't mean to try stick my fingers in your vagina" kind of way. This is where my BACK THE FUCK OFF really started to kick in. I find it hard to believe the making out we did 3 days earlier was so amazing he's now desperate to get his hands back on me. I'm more than willing to believe he hadn't made out with anyone in a long time and just wanted to get his hands back on someone and he thought since we just had, I'd still be willing. And that's where he lost me. Maybe because I'm just that jaded.

Jaded Dragon, Jaded Dater


So, I talked to him the following Tuesday and said we had to slow things way down. And he said he was fine with that. And then, I really think this is all me here, I kept feeling pressure to spend time with him. I finally sent him a text (because I didn't think it was fair to drag it out any longer and I didn't want to see him again that week) saying I couldn't date him. We could be friends, if he wanted, but I wasn't as emotionally ready to date I thought I was and all I could offer was friendship. And then he asked me to dinner and wine the next night. I was like OMG! And he's already invited me to a party at his friend's house in December. Don't worry, I'm not going. I don't want to make it awkward (probably it's too late for that because he's made it awkward for me), but at this point all I really want to do is see him at the regularly scheduled Tuesday night out-of-the-house activity, and that's all. I haven't exactly said it that plainly to him, but I realize whatever it is he wants, I can't give it to him.

I was hoping my first real foray back into dating would have been a little more smooth, but this seems like par for my course. So, clearly I have another first date with a different guy on Thursday. Everybody wish me good luck.

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