I was talking with a friend recently and he said something that struck a chord with me. We were talking about The Ex, because for some reason that relationship always comes up. (Probably because I'm not done healing from it.) While talking I started getting teary eyed, which always annoys me, because, really?, haven't cried enough about this already? I forget exactly what he said, but it was along the lines of it looked like I was crying angry tears and not sad tears.
|Wait ... what?|
At first I was like, I'm not mad - I stopped being mad at him when I forgave him. It not healthy to that mad for that long. I truly bear him no ill will at this point. Still, my friend's words resonated with me. After a while I realized he was right, I am still very mad. I couldn't really put my finger on why I was still mad, but it was clear I was still mad.
Finally, this morning while I was lying in bed trying to decide if I should admit if I was wake or not, I realized who I was still mad at ... me. I'm still furious with myself for allowing someone to treat me like that for so many years. And, I'm still mad at myself for every relationship, dating or friendships, since then where I have allowed myself to be treated ... less than respectfully.
And now for the hardest part ... figuring out how to forgive myself. This is not going to be easy.