(We don't know where we'll end up ... but we're all starting at single.)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The RN: I Get to Be in Charge of Me

This started to come up in the last blog, but I get to be in charge of me. I get to decide what to do with my time.  I get to decide what mood I'm in. I get to decide who I see. I get to decide what I eat. I get to decide to what I wear. And I get to decide who I fuck. Even if you don't agree with my choices. They are not your choices to make; they are mine. This is not about feminism, although I suppose in some ways it is feminism. This is about being in charge of myself.

I have the power of choice in my own life.
The last several months, I have been getting madder and madder at seemingly innocuous comments. I know these people mean well, but in the end what they are doing is saying what they want is more important than what is happening with me. One of the most pervasive comments is, "Smile." Why? I'm not in a smiling mood or I would already be smiling. Just because you want me to be happy every time you see me doesn't mean that I actually am. And you know what? That's okay. I don't have to be happy every second. I am allowed to have other emotions.

Sometimes, after I get told to smile, I do smile. Frequently this is because I was in my own head and I'm fine to smile. Other times it just seems easier than arguing about it. This almost always fails, because it leads to the next command, "No a real smile. Not a fake one." Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Leave me alone. I am clearly not in a good mood. Also. You. Are. Not. Fucking. In. Charge. Of. Me.

 I don't have to smile if I don't want to. (Photo credit)
And maybe when you walk by my office and I'm staring at my computer, it's concentration not anger you're seeing on my face. Maybe I'm actually doing my fucking job instead of being eye candy for you. You know because that's what I get paid to do. And maybe if I decide to quit my job to take one that better suits my long term career goals and is 1/5 the commute, it actually has nothing to do you with you. And you really aren't allowed to be mad me for "abandoning you". Because maybe, just maybe, I am making decisions for myself and I get to be the decider. Because I am in charge of me.

Blatantly stolen from Facebook.
And my choices are about making me a happier, better person. And not about making you feel better at the expense of who I am and how I feel.

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